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Question:I don't know to stay with him or leave?

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years.. Right now I am having an issue if i stay with him or not.. in the summer he completely broke my heart when he told me he is not sure if he still loves me and he put me through hell.. He never compliments me. There is a part of me that wants to leave and then again there is another part of me that wants to work things out.I am a single mom of a little girl.. He really broke our relationship in the summer i just dont know if i can get past what he did once.

Please help any advice.

Asked by muskokagal on 11/13/08 1 Answer»
Brenda Della Casa


Dear Musskokagal:
I am so sorry you have had to go through the pain and agony of having someone you love say those words to you and mistreat you. It sounds like you feel betrayed and deeply disappointed by what he did this summer and it has left you feeling unsafe, hurt, disillusioned and worried about whether or not you can move forward. I am so proud of you for having the courage to reach out and ask for support.

You mention that your boyfriend never compliments you and I am going to assume that this statement has a lot more packed into it than just needing to hear you look nice or that he thinks you’re charming and smart. I am going to assume that you feel unappreciated, unnoticed in the ways that you feel you have a right to be and that much of what you give is unreciprocated. Without going further and assuming too much, I want to ask you, why you want to stay with him?

What are ten reasons you want to be in a relationship that have to do with who he is and what he brings into your life? For example: Does he support your dreams and goals, show empathy when you are feeling wounded? Is he trustworthy and stable or do you stay because you have invested two years already or have fears about going at it alone? After you have come up with the ten reasons, write down the things that you don’t like about the relationship.

Then, if you have the means and both of you are committed to the idea, think about the possibility to going to a couple’s therapist together and working through your issues as a team with an objective professional. If an affair was involved, I would suggest that you make sure your counselor has experience in infidelity and you pick up the book, “Not Just Friends,” by Dr. Shirley Glass. In addition, if there was emotional or physical infidelity, know that it is 100% natural to feel a wide range of things and feel as though you are on an emotional rollercoaster. You can email me at Cinderellawasaliar@gmail.com if you would like more information privately.

Some things to think about: Your boyfriend said that he is not sure if he still loves you. Did he say why? Was there another person involved? Has he come to you and told you he realizes that he does and is sorry or are you sitting there in limbo, campaigning for his love and attention? What has he done to "right" the wrongs he has done in the past? How has he developed and grown as a man and a partner since?

You don’t have to make a decision about everything at once. What is important is that you know and understand (and convey to your daughter) that you are worthy of love, support, respect, romance and a partner worthy of trust. Whether that means demanding that your partner see a therapist with you, be transparent or that you and he take a “break” for a little while, your needs matter as much as his.

Good Luck to you,
Brenda Della Casa
Author, Cinderella Was a Liar

Answered by: Brenda Della Casa on 11/21/08
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