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esthechica

Question:The guy I was dating for 3 months left two weeks ago.

He was offered a promotion of sorts that would take him across country and then abroad. The only thing he said about the relationship was that he would really miss me, but was not sure of a total commitment between us. I told him to stay in touch, but he has not done this with other breakups. I was not about to push him to stay, since I don't believe in clinging. I think relationships are voluntary and I wanted him to do what was best for his life. Still, it hurt that he chose to go. We had a good ending, except right before he left, he promised to call and didn't and did not return my email to him. He said he wouldn't make any promises, he did not blame me or us. We agreed we hate a good relationship and physical connection. But the total cut-off has left me hurt and with questions, and I miss him terribly. I did not understand it. Friends have offered conjectures, mostly that he was self-protective, some say he was being deceptive possibly. I would like to believe the former, but without closure from him, the questions loom. He was younger, had just moved to my town, and did not have family or friends here. I am divorced with kids and grounded here. On the heels of this, I have just been informed of a job lay off, which was not handled nicely and hurts too. I have other alternatives for work, but the two events so close together has left me grieving, sad and angry. What are some suggestions for getting through this rough period and find some closure on the relationship?

Asked by esthechica on 10/9/08 4 Answers»
Forseer

Answer:

I'm sorry that you had to go through this esthechica. It was a selfish act on his part. And as alicika said, some guys just go silent because it's easier for them that way. I hope you that you can find closure and move on. I wish you all the best :)

Answered by: Forseer on 11/29/09
esthechica

Answer:

Thank you for the kind, sage advice. Yes it sucks! The real bummer is, before this, even though it sounds cliche, we got along great, no drama, that is why it was special to me - it evolved at its own speed. He told me he had strong feelings and wanted a serious relationship. Then the offer, he weighed his choices, and said he'd kick himself if he didn't take it. Who was I to hold him down? People have to follow their dreams. I expressed it to him, and we agreed the relationship would end, but I had hoped we could occasionally be in touch. He expressed he didn't want to "wonder what I was doing." But his walk out the door promising a call and no answer to my email saying goodbye and how sad I was really put an unnecessary twist on the end, leaving me hurt and confused. The contradiction is what got me questioning if there was more, and if he indeed just wanted to end the relationship and move into his future. I saw no need to alienate each other. But perhaps you are right and people just do the "easiest" thing to save themselves instead of the right thing.

So I will walk on and take all of your suggestions. I know I will get through it all. Thank you Kristen and Alicia. :) I'll let ya know how it goes.

Answered by: esthechica on 10/9/08
aliciak

Answer:

That's so hard, and I've totally been through the lack of closure thing. All you want is a response, no matter what it is! I've seen a lot of guys go silent like that though...it's easier for them. Unfortunately, if you can't drive on down to his apartment and knock on the door, you have to try to move on without the closure you want. Maybe try writing out what you're feeling as a way to get through it?


Answered by: aliciak on 10/9/08
kristen

Answer:

Well, I won't pretend to know what's going on in his mind or offer possibilities as to why, but I do understand completely your desire for closure. With that said, I think the thing you can do (since you can't force him to respond) is bring about that closure by deleting him from your phone, email address book, etc. Maybe write him a letter so you can get all your feelings out—then burn it, bury it or toss it in the trash! You've got so much to do besides focusing on the "what ifs."

I realize that sometimes these things sound like platitudes in the midst of pain. I want to acknowledge and affirm for you that yes, this is a bummer! It's awful to give your all in a relationship or a job and not have it work out.

You have every right to feel grief, sadness and anger. It's always hard to move forward when life keeps hitting from all sides. I've no doubt that the simultaneous breakup and job loss have you reeling and wondering. The key is not to get trapped in those feelings! Allow yourself a specific period of time to feel them and then move forward. Choose to use positive language. Choose to believe you can bounce back. As Ariane always says, remember the changes you have been successful in before. I'm certain you have had times where you thought you wouldn't get through whatever life was throwing at you—but you did, and you're stronger now because of it!

I hope to hear from you again—let us know if you've found new work that you love, or if you're at least moving forward day by day. We're here for you.

Answered by: kristen on 10/9/08
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