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Our Breaking Up Experts

MJ Acharya

MJ Acharya

Author, blogger and healer of broken hearts

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Mike Riley

Mike Riley

Co-author of How To Heal A Broken Heart In 30 Days

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Melissa Kantor

Melissa Kantor

Author of the young adult novel The Breakup Bible

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Q&A

If you have questions about this change, you're in the right place. Our editors, experts, and community of change optimists have answers!

eluetzow

Question:How do you get over your first love and move on from the heartbreak?

I am 22 years old and am going through my first real heartbreak and break up. I had been with my boyfriend for 10 months and he was my first real boyfriend, the first person I said l love you, my first "everything". I dated guys before but I felt love was something shouldn't be taken lightly so I waited for what I thought was something real and lasting. My boyfriend was amazing and yes I know we are young but I thought this was someone I could really make things happen with and apparently at one time so did he. Well I had opportunities and plans to move to Sydney Australia (orginally from USA) for 6 months. He knew this when he meet me, yet wanted to make things work and stay together no matter what cause he was so sure I was the one he wanted in his future. Three weeks before I left he started changing and becoming closed off. Two weeks before I left I found out he cheated on me with this girl in our apartment building. We didnt end it there cause he so passionately begged me to work it out. He seemed to be having this break down, and nothing I could do to help or understand. He just started dental school and joined the navy, all these changes so fast. Once I was here in Australia he began sleeping with her. Thats when I ended it with him. Ever since then I have off and on contact with him (I know your not supposed to but I cant seem to truly believe everything that happened, all seems like bad dream). I felt I went to sleep next to my best friend and lover and woke up to my worst nightmare. Its been almost three months since I found out about his cheating ways and am still a mess. My friends are getting annoyed and I still cant seem to let go of what we had. Every guy I dated has cheated on me, but when it came to him I cant seem to get over it like I did before. I know I am young and unexperienced but I am at the lowest I can feel and in need of some solid advice of how to move on. I have all these questions, none of which he can answer or anyone else at that matter and I still feel in shock. I tried to date other people, move on and embrace where I am yet I just miss him more and still feel in love with him or the man he was. He has changed so much. I just dont want to be heartbroken any longer. Is there anyone who can help?

Asked by eluetzow on 9/25/08 10 Answers»
eluetzow

Answer:

I am so touched by all the answers. Thank you for your kind words and wisdom. I will do my very best to follow them. I am just torn at moment whether to cut him out of my life or keep up the current contact we have. I saw in the tips that we need to cut contact but he still messages me, sends me gifts, and wants to be friends. I am scared on what to do next.....

Answered by: eluetzow on 9/25/08
VictoriaB

Answer:

As Kristen says, you're not alone in the heartbreak department. And if you love again, which I'm sure you will, you may experience it again, but, yes, the first heartbreak and betrayal are the worst--coming off the seemingly endless high of being in love and feeling you've found the one.

I don't think he's a bad person, just probably not as grown up as you would like ... handling a heart is an awesome responsibility, not something every young man is up to, at first.

I also think what you're experiencing is worse because it was not on your terms and it came out of the blue. What you need now is some closure. Why don't you write him a letter, expressing everything that is in your heart and "release him."

Even if you don't send the letter you will feel better for having gotten all those emotions out on paper.

If we had a hug, we'd send it to you.

And now, because I'm such an old movie nut and things like this always pop into my head, I'll leave you with something the wizard said to the tin man in "the wizard of oz" 'hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable' and 'A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others'

Take heart that you friends and family love you and care for you, more than you may know and realize that happiness is wherever you are.

Answered by: VictoriaB on 9/25/08
kristen

Answer:

I am so sorry you're going through this. Being in love and having a broken heart seem like the worst thing in the world when you're in the midst of it, and it seems like nothing will ever make it better. And yes, the first is always the worst.

Take heart in the fact that no one (that I know of, anyway) has had their heart broken and not come out the other side. When I was your age, I was very much in love with someone that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Similarly, I had a chance to move forward while he stayed behind. It seems like a bit of insecurity and lack of faith on your bf's part that he would pull away and start shacking up with some other girl. My gut is that he broke up with you before you could break it off with him—he probably is intimidated by the fact that you're out there, living your life, while he's trying to deal with all his own changes at home.

This time of your life should be about you pursuing your dreams and making the most of each day and the experiences it brings. That may or may not mean dating someone right now. I'd like to encourage you to find strength to stand on your own. Surround yourself with friends and positive energy. Get plugged into community—volunteer, attend religious services if that's important to you. You're so courageous to have made the choice to move halfway around the world...do you really want to spend the time you have there thinking about some guy who didn't respect you enough to be mature and talk to you rather than just walk away?

You are worth so much more than that, even if you don't believe it, I believe it for you. We're always here to help you...please come back and let us know how you're doing.

Answered by: kristen on 9/25/08
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