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Our Breaking Up Experts

MJ Acharya

MJ Acharya

Author, blogger and healer of broken hearts

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Mike Riley

Mike Riley

Co-author of How To Heal A Broken Heart In 30 Days

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Melissa Kantor

Melissa Kantor

Author of the young adult novel The Breakup Bible

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jjjsss

Question:I HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR 5 YRS, ONE THAT I THOUGHT WAS VERY SPECIAL AND REAL, I JUST GOT INFORMED BY HIM THAT HIS HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART HAS SHOWED BACK UP IN TOWN AND AFTER 20 YRS OF NOT SEEING HER WANTS TO TRY TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER. i

Asked by jjjsss on 12/15/09 3 Answers»
MJ Acharya

Answer:

Hi,

Personally, I don't think that I would be nice about it. You are being asked to remain in his life and watch the man you love try to win the affections of another woman. And he wants you "in his life?" It still sounds to me as if he wants to take a shot with this woman and if it doesn't work out, he'll come back to you. This means that he sees you as second best - which probably means that he is not in the mindset to marry you. You may have been with him through thick and thin, however, he either doesn't appreciate it, or doesn't realize what he's missing out on if you're no longer in the picture.

My advice to you: Disappear for awhile. Erase him, don't chase him. In other words, cut ties from Facebook, MySpace, IM Buddy-Lists and email. Don't answer the phone when he calls and don't call him. Make a timeframe for yourself to do this - whether it's a week or a month. TRUST ME - he WILL panic when he realizes that he no longer has his safety net and MAYBE, just MAYBE this will jar him into the realization that he has taken you for granted. But you HAVE to do the work to commit to no contact. Go here to download my free report on using no contact to move forward with your life: Link

And if he doesn't come back to you, then at least you're on your way toward getting over him and moving forward.

As far as how to tell him. Call him, meet him or email him. Tell him exactly how you feel and don't hold back. If he truly cares for you, he'll listen...but it doesn't mean that he'll want to be with you. Also, don't tell him that you're going to disappear for awhile. This is crucial! Just do it on your own.

Don't panic about disappearing for awhile. You can always call him in a week or in a month to "check in." But again, if he's still chasing this girl and not interested in you, then you'll have to do the work to get over him.

Take care,
Melysha Acharya
The Breakup Workbook

Answered by: MJ Acharya on 12/17/09
jjjsss

Answer:

YOU ASKED WHY HE WOULD PREFER HER OVER ME? HE TOLD ME THAT HE SHOULD HAVE MARRIED HER, BUT HE BROKE HER HEART AND LET HER GO. SO MAYBE ITS BECAUSE HE WANTS TO SEE MAYBE WHAT HE MISSED, I AM NOT SURE. BUT I HAVE BEEN BY HIS SIDE THROUGH THICK AND THIN, BUT NOW HE TELLS ME HE CAN'T LET ME GO, HE WANTS ME TO BE A PART OF HIS LIFE. THIS IS VERY CONFUSING TO ME. HOW DO I IN A NICE WAY LET HIM KNOW THAT HE CANT HAVE HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TOO?

Answered by: jjjsss on 12/15/09
MJ Acharya

Answer:

Wow. What a shock to your system! You must be devastated. And if it doesn't work out, I wonder if he'll try to come back to you then? This is a terrible situation to be in. Did he say why exactly he would prefer to be with her over you? Not that it would help any, but at least it could offer a little bit in the way of closure. I know what it's like to think you have a real connection with someone, only to find out that their head and their heart are somewhere else. So right now, we have to get you to a point where you accept the breakup - and then we'll have to get you on the road to healing.

Keep your chin up.

MJ Acharya
author of The Breakup Workbook

Answered by: MJ Acharya on 12/15/09
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