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Our Breaking Up Experts

MJ Acharya

MJ Acharya

Author, blogger and healer of broken hearts

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Mike Riley

Mike Riley

Co-author of How To Heal A Broken Heart In 30 Days

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Melissa Kantor

Melissa Kantor

Author of the young adult novel The Breakup Bible

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If you have questions about this change, you're in the right place. Our editors, experts, and community of change optimists have answers!


Question:Was it really me? I am beating myself up for not seeing the signs or even going into the relationship in teh first place.

I broke up a few weeks ago with my live-in boyfriend of four years. It was my decision after we had an argument and he said things like 'You will never change', 'I'm not happy', 'I have to walk on egg shells around you'. Now I'm wondering if I made the right choice. This thought is further brought on by the fact that he has not contacted me since and neither have I. I wonder if he ever cared at all. Was it all really my fault? But there were a lot of things I was unhappy with him about and brought them up with him but he never saw why he should change or try to compromise. Anothter thing is I had trust issues. I never had proof but I always felt like he was not being faithful to me - always out with 'the boys', not taking me out with him, text messages at strange hours. How can I put my mind to rest about this decision, or even think about trying again? I also believe he's mad at me because I made him leave his home to come live with me and then I left. All these thoughts compund the fact that he hates me and he wishes he never met me. But I'm rambling...I'm sure you understand why I need peace.

Asked by Anonymous on 7/9/08 3 Answers»


Tracey, it's always easy in the aftermath of a breakup to wonder what the other person is doing/thinking/feeling. I'm proud of you for NOT contacting him!
Try to focus less on whether he cared and what he might be feeling...and focus on the lessons YOU can learn from this relationship. This is a time to focus on the trust issues you say you have, as well as what you really want before you go into another relationship.
Rest, breathe, find support (here and with friends/clergy/counseling as needed) as you work through this breakup. As you were together for four years, it's going to take time—lots of it—to move past it. Allow yourself that time!

Answered by: kristen on 7/10/08


Hey Tracey,
I left my live in boyfriend of almost two years. He was pretty psychotic off and on. When it was good it was awesome, but he would get mad at me for silly little things and not talk to me for days at a time......he also had the text messages at weird times....I checked his phone once and he was texting his ex wife that she was still the love of his life! He was drunk at the time, I wanted to make it work and I let it go. It got to be too much with his drinking and temper and I moved out. He still kept texting me, and it's hard to say no, so I was meeting him and hooking up with him. My friend just found out that now 5 months later WHILE he is still hooking up with me, he is having some other girl move into his house! Yes, the red flags are usually there, but we all make mistakes. I changed my number so he can't contact me anymore. I say good for you for not contacting him, and thank god he hasn't contacted you, it's probably a blessing in disguise. I'm trying to look at mine as a learning experience. Don't beat yourself up. Pat yourself on the back for getting out of there! I know I am. : )
The only thing that stinks is I can't stop thinking about it. I also, am having a hard time finding my peace. I have that yucky pit in my stomach feeling. Hopefully it goes away with time! I totally know what you are going through.

Answered by: emd1121 on 7/10/08


Hi Tracey,

All of these questions you have are making you "crazy." Here are a few more to ask yourself, hopefully, to clarify what you are looking at.

What did your "gut" tell you when you decided to let this relationship end?

It takes 2 to equal partners to make a couple, just as it takes 2 people to argue. Did your boyfriend want only you to change, or was he willing to compromise & correct some of his quirks as well? Was he proud of you, loving, thoughtful, helpful, supportive, etc.? How a person acts betrays how he really feels.

As far as what your ex-boyfriend thinks now, or what you believe he feels toward you, those are his issues. Can you decide to leave them with him to resolve?

What did your intuition tell you about whether or not you should trust him?

You admit you have trust issues. It is important to trust yourself, trust your Higher Power first. That may sound extreme, but how can you trust again unless you "fix" your belief & trust in yourself?

It would be beneficial for you to consult a professional councilor, or clergy, or even family & good friends to help and support you. And of course, First30Day is a good resource, also.
I am here, too, & I'm a good listener, if you want to talk.
Whatever your search of self uncovers . . . I hope
these questions will help you see your way clear to find some peace.

Take care, you be good to you!
Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Answered by: lilliede81 on 7/10/08
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