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Dr. Therese Rando

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David Kessler

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Helen Fitzgerald

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joylisa

Question:Still Grieving, how long...

I lost my Dad 2 years ago March 13. He had a brain tumor, and during his LIVING with the tumor, my middle son, at 26, was diagnosed with a brain tumor as well. MY son, THANK YOU GOD, is doing great, the tumor was on the brain, not IN it, so he didn't even have to have chemo or ANYTHING(again, thank you GOD). troble is, I can't seem to get thru losing my dad...I still felt like I had so much to say to him(he was in his early 70's), and I was attempting to ask him some questions about something I THOUGHT he told me in my early teens. Maybe it's guilt...I DIDN'T spend a whole lot of time with him and my mom(he stayed and died at home)due to my OWN depression, no vehicle, but I spoke to him alot on the phone. And I was there the day before he died and I had the priviledge of helping out of this world. I compared it to helping my daughterinlaw give birth...but totally the opposite..if anyone can understand this. help! and thank you!

Asked by joylisa on 8/19/08 3 Answers»
joylisa

Answer:

thank you to kiki76&Lizzie314 for your responces..my family is an ODD one, I have one brother 11 yrs younger and he just got married in December and didn't invite me. So basially it's me, my sig. other Charlie, and my grwn sons(2 have spouces). So I try to stay focused on them, rather than in the past. It's hard for me...but there ar days that I feel great but I STILL feel guilty about that! I AM in therapy...have major depression(Doesn't everyone?), and 'they' are going to reacess my diagnosis to ADD! But I really want to thak you for your advice, it helps me to see it in someone else's eyes. Again thanx!

Answered by: joylisa on 9/16/08
Kiki76

Answer:

I just read an article that talks about how we're always trying to rush the process of getting through grief. There's a societal pressure that says we should take three days off work and then "get back to normal." You have a new normal now, and it will take time to adjust. And no two people have the same timeline for grief...so it's normal that you're still sad sometimes.

The suggestion below to write to your dad is a great one. The article also mentioned that just because people are gone doesn't mean the relationship is over, it's just changed. Your dad will always be your dad. No, it's not the same. It's sad that you can't see or touch him. But you can "talk" to him.

I hope you have people in your life who can provide support and love as you go day-by-day.

Answered by: Kiki76 on 8/20/08
Lizzie314

Answer:

I'm so sorry for your loss, and you shouldn't feel bad that you're still grieving your father's passing after so many years. When you feel like you've got all these unanswered questions, it can feel like there's very little opportunity for closure and resolution.

Can I suggest you write a letter to your dad, with all your questions and everything you wish you would have told him? One expert on the site suggests doing this, and even writing your note to your father in your good hand, and imagining your dad's response by writing with your other hand...to give you the feel that you're really talking to your loved one.
Also, have you talked to your mom or any siblings about your feelings? There's a good chance that they might feel the same (at least you won't feel weird about it) or that maybe they can answer some questions for you.

I think that many people can sympathize with how you're feeling, and I don't think it's weird to be upset about a parent's passing...even years later. My mom lost her mother to ovarian cancer when she was 16, and 40 years later she has trouble talking about it. I think if you try to work through your feelings in a healthy way, you'll find some closure somehow.

I wish you luck and health (especially to your son)!

Answered by: Lizzie314 on 8/19/08
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