Breaking Up is Hard to Do
The “it’s not working” conversation just happened. Perhaps the conversation was one you initiated and your first feeling is relief. Maybe the breakup has left you totally devastated and barely able to function. No matter what the circumstances leading to the end of your relationship may be, you know it is an end and thus a loss.
The good news is that this pivotal life event signals a vast potential for growth and openness to a new form of love. While it may sometimes feel like you will never again be a whole, functioning human being, the opposite is true. The first 30 days after a breakup are a crucial period not just for your recovery, but also in your ability to truly learn and evolve. “In the early stages, emotions are on the surface. You should take advantage of this rawness to grow,” says Patricia Covalt, Ph.D., author of What Smart Couples Know.
There are varying degrees of a breakup. Clearly the dissolution of an intense three-month romance does not shake up your entire life as thoroughly as the end of a five-year courtship, especially when children are involved. However, Marni Kamins, author of The Breakup Repair Kit: How to Heal Your Broken Heart, cautions, “The level of sadness and disappointment can be the same in both cases. It depends on the person. For example, if this short relationship was the first one in years that you felt excited about, the aftermath can be devastating. Your faith in love can be shaken.”
Embrace the Emotion
The first step of healing is vital. It’s OK to mourn the loss. If you attempt to run from the initial rush of raw emotion and pretend you’re fine, you are slowing your recovery. Ignoring these emotions would be like shoving things in a closet moments before company is due to arrive at your home. While your belongings are out of sight, the mess still lurks in the dark waiting to spill out as soon as the door opens. It’s the same with your pain. If not dealt with in a proper manner, your emotions could spill out at any time.
“Heartbreak is wonderful and terrible, and we should embrace it as much as we do the optimism and giddiness that comes before it,” says Erik E., whose relationship of three years recently ended. “As awful as I felt, I had this spark of hope because I could recognize potential and beauty and let myself believe in long lasting love.”
Feelings during these first 30 days may run the gamut from relief to anger to wistfulness. This seeming roller coaster of emotion can frustrate those who don’t know how to react to the news that a relationship is over. Barbara J. Rubin, Psy.D., an Atlanta-based psychologist who works with individuals and couples on relationship issues, says, “Immediately after the breakup there is often a feeling of disequilibrium, a lack of safety. You don’t feel in control.”
Great article:)
Thanks for this article. I was feeling low before I visited your site but now I feel much more empowered to face the situation that I am in.
great and well detailed article about the different phases in a break up and the positive outcome of a break up. Thanks and Merry Christmas : this is your Xmas gift to me : the best for now.
I guess for me, I had never been one to be in long relationships or let someone get close to me,So when i met her in January, i felt like i had met the one that i could be with forever, 5 great months,and then all fell apart,found out she wasnt really who i thought she was,she had many secrets..and well in the end..ends up i was just needed for a certain amount of time to get her to time in her life that she knew was coming when she met me..so for me to finally open up and lay my heart on the line, and to have it crushed like this..i did thing i would never get over it,i still struggle with it, i feel as if it will be awhile before i can even open myself up to even date someone again.
I think it does get easier everyday now, its more the pain of knowing i was giving her my all,and she was giving me what i wanted to hear and feel. All this from a person i would of given anything too.
My situation is pretty uniqe and that's why I can't seem to get over the pain and loss. In 1993 I met a woman who helped me out of a bad relationship. I am straight. She didn't quite know whether she was bi-sexual or straight. But she say she loved me very much and wanted a sexual relationship.. I didn't wanrt go there and said so. Believe it or not we lived together for 15 years, loving each other but celibate. I did date and have opportunities with men but dismissed them because I didn't want to leve her or to hurt her. This christmas, she told me she was done. she also said she was in love with a woman she'd met over the phone but had never met in person. She said she wanted a full love life and no longer loved me in any way but as a friend. She said she'd felt this way for ten yrs. but didn't have the courage to tell me. To make things worse, she controlled our finances. She worked in a field of high risk and when the bottom fell out of our economy her field literally dried up overnight. She made some very bad investments and lost everything we had. She literally forced me from our home because she was going through a huge transition and did not want me to witness that. Actually, she had some kind of break when the woman she fell for played her, filled her head with promises of enormous wealth and position through the position she offered in her company, then dropped her. Now, I am in my 60's and we have nothing. She is struggling to make some kind of money and promises she will make up for the pain and losses she's incurred. She said she can't be my friend now, but she may be some time in the future when she gets it together, She is 59 yrs old. I only wish I'd had some clue as to her real feelings so I could have planned my life better. But we always told each other we'd be with each other always. Foolishly, I believed her. I've had to move in with my daughter and I really do not want to be so dependent on anyone. I miss her terribly yet am very angry at the same time. I feel devastated by her loss, and the loss of all I worked for. Moreover, I am embarrassed and ashamed to be in this position. I live on $1,000. Soc. Sec. per month and cannot think what I can do to earn more money. Also, I feel so depressed and emotionally deflated that it is an effort just to walk my dog each day. Any advice for me will be much appreciated.