"This book has become more than just another book on my bookshelf, it has become a much needed friend during a major life change." -Jessica
Read More Testimonials»

Our Stepparenting Experts

Jeannette Lofas

Jeannette Lofas

Founder of the Stepfamily Foundation

Shared by First30Days View Profile»
Sally Bjornsen

Sally Bjornsen

Creator of the Sassy Stepmother web site and author of The...

Shared by First30Days View Profile»
Dr. Carl Pickhardt

Dr. Carl Pickhardt

Psychologist and author of Keys to Successful Stepfathering

Shared by First30Days View Profile»

Meet all of our Family Experts»

News

The latest news on this change — carefully culled from the world wide web by our change agents. They do the surfing, so you don't have to!

The Rules of (Dis)engagement

You’ve tried so hard to forge a good relationship with your new stepchildren. You go out of your way to do nice things for them, like making their lunch and throwing in some homemade cookies. But all your efforts are met with indifference, or worse, icy coldness.
 
At one point do you give up and just surrender the visions of a happy stepfamily  you once held?
 
The term for this kind of throwing in the towel is “disengaging” and there’s much debate on each side of the issue. Most stepparents would agree that disengaging is more harmful than helpful. Stepmother Julie Crowley  shares the story of how she pushed through the difficult times and fought against disengaging to come to the other side–a good relationship with her stepson.
 
Other stepparents have felt a great sense of relief through disengaging. They allowed themselves to stop feeling bad about a situation which they considered beyond their control. Stepchildren often became more like housemates, and less pressure was placed on anybody to forge a bond.
 
To disengage or preservere. It’s a difficult choice, and whether the stepchildren live with you or not is a big consideration. Remember that bonding does take time, and be sure to enlist your new spouse for help and support with the children.
 
What kind of struggles have you had in bonding with your stepchildren? Have you considered disengaging? What has worked for you?

Posted: 5/22/08