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Question: I lost a friendship unexpectedly. What should I do Now?

In order to sum up the situation, these are the latest email we have send to each other the names have been changed.
she wrote: subject: burnout
Hi and Jomaryal and Anthony:

This letter is overdue. It has taken me a long time to get my thoughts in order. I thought that the feeling would pass but it hasn't. Over our Xmas together I burned out on you all. I am sorry and I know it is not fair or kind. I am not someone who can fake anything so I will put it bluntly. I am not interested in staying in touch with you. I know that we reassured you that it was not personal but it took a while for it to sink in.

I wish you the very best.
I wrote back, the same day:

I respect you for your honesty and it is sad that our friendship did not workout. I m really sorry if in any way you were offended by me. I really thought we were connected and had so much in common. Also I know Anthony and Joe (our husbands )did feel close. I m not ashamed to tell with tears in my eyes that if you ever change your mind my humble door and heart will be open for you guys. When I thought of you and Joe I thought of great times and a whole lot of admiration. So now It will be a while for your letter to sink in. I hope one day I will be passing by a gallery and see your stuff in it and thought it will be bittersweet I will still remember the good times.

Take good care of your beautiful family (she have 2 kids close in age with one of my kids) and may God Bless you,

Sincerely, Me
Then 3 days later i wrote another email:
subject: letting go

I know you said you are not interested on being my friend anymore. In honor of the mutual respect that was once there I will let it go as you wish. Just wish you could tell me where did I go wrong or why, so I can be at peace a bit easier because I really cared about you. I have a hard time understanding why you said you know it's not kind or fair, all I have ever known you to be. I do feel we overstayed that was the reason we said if we go back we were going to stay somewhere else. But by God's love all I can remember is how hard we sincerely laughed Mt.Batty(vertically hiking with the kids and a baby on my back), Joe's guitar, endless nights of games, how amazing you guys went out of your ways to celebrate my birthday, (Christmas eve)sledding in between two trees and barely making it, and all the fun we had we you visited us. I have to write this because I did not know how much I was going to hurt by losing your friendship. You are everywhere in my house, the picture on the wall of our families(of the first time we visited ), your beautiful paintings and my son remembering some of the things you thought him. We were at the Market yesterday and he said "Mommy I know what to do, what our friend from Maine Jane taught me if I really want something, but can not have it I won't look at it. I had to look away so he will not notice my tears, This was out of the blue we have not mention anything to him... look you don't have to answer this letter but know that we do not regret meeting you and I am not sure what cause your decision.
I have not heard from her and I really feel as if I'm going through the bereavement stages, First denial, then anger and blame and now I don't even know. just sadness when I think of it. I met her while vacationing about 5 years ago and things seem so perfect. There was only two times we had a disagreement but at the time it seemed as resolved or accepted. When we came back from the holidays everything seem normal and we talked often on the phone often. Until she said it was not personal but they needed some "quiet time" no especial reason. Then I got the email I already mentioned.. So now I wish I was not so anxious for a response. As I write this I realized the answer is Let it go, as i said in the emails. I wish I can say I don't care it's not a big deal but I can't. I get a knot in my throat as I write about it. How can people just write you off and have no regards for your feelings?

Asked by JOMARYAL on 8/10/08 3 Answers»


Thank you so much lilliede81 and kirsten for taking the time to answer my question. Both of you had very good advice. Yes, kirsten thank God that time does heal all wounds. In the meantime, I have submerged myself with a lot positive and inspirational audio and DVDs.

Answered by: JOMARYAL on 8/15/08



I am so sorry that this has happened to you.

The same thing happened to me, twice. The first time was about 20 years ago, & she didn't even tell me that she didn't want to be friends anymore -- she just didn't answer her phone, didn't call, didn't contact me in any way. One day she's there, everything fine -- the next, disconnected, no communication, nothing! Did I say something? Did I do or not do something that offended her? After a long stretch of soul searching, I came to the conclusion that I did nothing to cause her to "break" with me. I still don't know why.

The second time was different in that when she decided she didn't want to be friends, & she wrote a letter stating that it wasn't me, it was her. She said that she was "going on a vision quest," (whatever that meant,) & she would get back to me when she found what there was to find. Her way of handling my "dismissal" left hope that we would eventually hook up again. That was 15 years ago.

As bad as the email that you received is, at least you know where you stand. It doesn't make it any easier! And I know about the hurt & "empty place" that you are dealing with. As with me, you may never know what motivated her to do this. And like you said, the best thing is to just let it go.

Try to forgive yourself (somehow we blame ourselves when something like this happens), and forgive her. Then it may be easier to let the whole thing go. Please know that you probably didn't do/say anything! Who knows what was going on in her life OR mind.

If you feel it will help, contact a counselor, a minister, a friend or family member that you can confide in, & talk it over.

Work on bolstering up how you think about yourself and see yourself. You take care of YOU!

Know that just talking about it will help, and you are utilizing the first 30 day programs on this website!

Get out there and meet people. You'll make new friends!

It's never easy to lose a friend. It will take time, but things will get better.

Answered by: lilliede81 on 8/13/08


Sadly, there are things we can never really understand about people. Often it is what does not get said that hurts the most.

I am sure that you didn't do anything; it sounds like this person who has cut her friendship off from you is dealing with her own issues. While it's hard, you can take this time to enjoy the blessings of your own loving family, and seek out new friendships.

Losing a friend is never easy, but that pain will begin to go away in time.

Answered by: kristen on 8/12/08
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