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Should i give my husband of 26 years a chance to improve our relationship? He drinks to much a basically ignores me.
I am very lonely and un happy the way things are now.
Well I moved out a month ago. The enabler in me is not sure what to do with myself.I am trying to be strong I am a little lonely,not sure why because he was never invested in our day to day life. I am sure I will be fine. There is always hope.3/18/09
My goodness.. an alcoholic.. tsk tsk tsk.. been there, done that, left that.. Find your happiness with a sober person, he won't quit until HE doesn't want to drink anymore.. and trust me he doesn't they never do.. What type of marriage could you have with someone that really trully isn't there? Go to alanon meetings to strengthen yourself and move on.. talking isn't going to help unless he is completely sober, and if he shows no interest then you have your answer.
good luck to you and many hugs.. stay strong
I've been there too. My husband and I haven't been together as long as you guys, but the feelings are still the same. I too have asked that very same question. He is now finally getting the help he needs after almost 9 years of extreme ups and downs. We have been through so much together. We are currently separated, but talking about a possible reconciliation. He knows that there is a lot of work ahead of us if it's going to work this time, this being our second separation. It was always about the booze. It seemed like our daughter and I were 2nd. to it. I don't know your whole story, but mine involves a lot of physical abuse too. I love my husband with all my heart, but he knows that with one phone call the divorce starts right back up again. I filed in December of 2007. I had all I could take. I think it woke him up and he went into a great program and has been there for almost three months now. I really have never seen him sober for this long. Up until about a month ago, I never would have given the advice to stay, but if he is willing to get help, then by all means stick with it. I wonder if you have any kids together?? That might help your case if you do, I hate to admit it, but I used my daughter as extreme bait when it came to him. I told him that if he didn't get his act together, my lawyer and I would make sure that it made his life hell to see her. In fact in the papers that are waiting to go back to court, it says... Supervised Visitation, Child support, Spousal support, Reimbursement of all laywers fees, I maintain full custody of our child, I keep ownership of all property gained through the marriage, and he has to pass a drug test before he can see her on visiting days. He also had a problem with drugs. All of that and I'm still willing to give it a shot. You need to do some real soul searching and think about how you feel about him. My guess is that you still love him very much, other wise you wouldn't be asking total strangers what they think about this. You need to really look at all the pros and cons about divorce and ask yourself if YOU want to give him anymore chances. Keep the ball in your court as they say!! Good luck to you both, believe me you'll need it no matter what you decide. Feel free to contact me, I would like to know what you decide... email@example.com. ~ Kacey~
With a drinking problem he has to admit he has one. before he can make any changes in his own life, before he can even improve on yours and his. that is not easy, for you or him. You can't change him unless he is willing to change and right now I don't think he is ready to do that. It is hard when you love someone that ignores you. You need to find something in your life that gives you meaning. If you like to work in your community or find a hobby like dancing. DO IT! Most people that drink are looking to get rid of some kind of pain that has happened in their lives, and alot of times they have to hit rock bottom before they realize it and sometimes it is to late. Your husband has to take responsiblity for what he does there is help out there lik alcoholics annonomus. they even have a group for spouses and kids. May be that will help you. Or find a nice ladies group at church. you have to take care of your own needs and find what makes you happy.
My husband also has an addiction problem. His is gambling. Not unlike drinking, it is a major focus in his life. I am in the process of learning that I am responsible for my own happiness and cannot depend on my husband to do that. The only person that you can successfully change is you. If your husband puts you on ignore, which mine has done to me, you will need to find something wlse to fill that space. It is not healthy for you to sit around and wait for him to do the "right thing" becasue there is a chance that he never will. But if he sees that you can be happy and content without his direct input, that may force a change in him. FInd your own HEALTHY passion and invite your husband to join you. If he does, great. If he doesn't pursue it to your fufillment. I understand that you may want to dump the whole relationship but on the other hand do not want to feel like you have wasted 26 yrs (or 15 like me). What you are used to is your comfort zone regardless of how uncomfortable you may be. RIght now I would focus on one thing that makes you happy and gives you a sense of accomplishment that doesn't center on your husband. It could be a new hobby or an old one that you have set aside or something "that you have always wanted to do". Good luck and I am pulling for you.
Does he have a drinking problem? If so, there is nothing you can do unless he seeks help. You ask if you should give him a chance...is he willing to try counseling, etc? If so, it is ALWAYS worth trying that before throwing away a marriage. If he is not willing, then he is basically telling you he is not vested in this marriage. You may be better off moving on with your life without him.