"I was very excited to receive the First 30 Days emails. I am in the midst of a great many changes in my life. I so appreciate the encouragement given in your daily emails. I definitely learned how to embrace change as a big positive in my life."
Read More Testimonials»

On the Relationships Blog

3 Ways Families Are Like Conveyor Belts

Conveyor belts are a great asset to businesses, whether they're used in warehouses, assembly lines, or other applications. In the same way, families are a great asset when each...

Read More About 3 Ways Families Are Like Conveyor Belts»

Our Getting Divorced Experts

Martin Kranitz

Martin Kranitz

Author of Getting Apart Together: The Couple's Guide to a...

Shared by First30Days View Profile»
Gayle Rosenwald Smith

Gayle Rosenwald Smith

Lawyer and author of Divorce and Money: Everything You Need...

Shared by First30Days View Profile»
Bill Ferguson

Bill Ferguson

Former divorce attorney and author of How to Heal a Painful...

Shared by First30Days View Profile»

Meet all of our Relationships Experts»

Expert Network

Get help from our network of more than 300 experts on changes big and small, personal and professional.

Martin Kranitz on Getting Divorced

Martin Kranitz on Getting Divorced

For many, tension and conflict permeates divorce proceedings. But there is such a thing as a civilized, amicable divorce. Who would know better than Martin Kranitz, who has more than 24 years of experience as a mediator and more than 20 years as a mediation and conflict resolution trainer? He has a private mediation practice in Annapolis, MD, and travels throughout the country providing mediation and conflict resolution training to professionals. Kranitz is author of Getting Apart Together: The Couple's Guide to a Fair Divorce or Separation, which addresses the practical issues that arise when people decide they can no longer live together. Here, Kranitz discusses the first 30 days of getting divorced.

What do people ask themselves during the first 30 days of getting divorced?

“How am I going to survive?” “How am I going to survive and take care of the kids?” “Are we going to be able to work together to minimize the damage to the kids?” “Should we be doing this to the kids?” “Am I going to get screwed?” “What will happen if we can’t reach agreement?” “When am I going to stop feeling so crappy?”

In the first 30 days of a separation—if you didn’t know it was coming, if it was the other party’s decision—the questions are: “How am I going to function, because I’m in shock?” The questions are more about survival than the larger picture, and much different from the first 30 days after divorce. Those questions are: “How will I be able to stop thinking about ‘us’ or ‘we’ and start thinking about ‘I?’ ” It’s a lot easier to go from “I” to “we” than it is from “we” to “I.” Another big question is, “Can I survive?” This question has a number of components, emotional and practical, such as, “Are the resources going to be sufficient for all of us?”

What are some of the emotions associated with the first 30 days of getting divorced?

It’s a function of which couple you’re looking at. Some couples have gone through counseling and reached a joint agreement, so their emotions are not in as much turmoil. For people for whom this is a unilateral decision, they are asking, “Can I trust this person?” “Can I work with this person?” They need to understand that the separation is the end of the marriage, not the end of the family. They can work together for the children.

How can a separated couple get divorce help?

Go to counseling. Talk to people who have worked through this successfully, not angrily. Seek out support groups. Misery loves company: Use it to your advantage by talking to people about how they dealt with the emotions of separation.

What are the most important things to do during the first 30 days of getting divorced?

Understand that relationships very seldom break up because of one person. Both people have responsibility for the relationship and for its breakup. Each person must recognize that. From an emotional standpoint, it will be overwhelming, but from a practical standpoint, you must get on with your life. Compartmentalize your emotions—don’t let them run your life. Learn how to deal with stress.

Practice distraction. Do something that will take your mind off the separation and all its implications. When you come back to it, you’ll be more clear-headed.

How should people act during the first 30 days of getting divorced?

I think it’s important to be someone else. If you’re going to be yourself, you’re going to fall apart. Be a cool person who can handle it.

Why are the first 30 days of getting divorced such a vital time?

Because there are many absolute or potential changes one has to deal with. Your whole system—internal and external—is in turmoil. And most people don’t like change.

How can someone really succeed during the first 30 days of getting divorced?

In the “old” days, 20 to 25 years ago, when people separated, they went running to their lawyers. There was an assumption of a conflict of interest between the parties. Realize that there isn’t necessarily a conflict of interest; although it may feel that way, it is not necessarily true. Both people want to get through this in as constructive, civilized and practical a way as possible—in a collaborative, not competitive, way and in the least adversarial way. It doesn’t have to be a win-lose situation. If you decide that you want to hurt the other person because of the pain they have caused, you will only hurt yourself and the kids: You will all suffer more than you need to.

What can people do to continue to progress beyond 30 days?

Continue to grow. The change of separation and divorce is a growth process, like any other experience in life. It’s something to learn from. The reality is that second marriages and third marriages have the same percentage of divorce as first marriages. No matter how carefully we choose, change is inevitable in each of us. Five years from now, we are, in essence, married to a different person. We have to appreciate in other people the people they have become.

SIGNATURE QUESTIONS

What is the belief you personally go to during times of change?

That I’ll survive; that I’ll get through it. “This too shall pass”—that’s what my Dad would say. Life and nature throw us all kinds of things and we just have to get through it. We have to do the best we can.

The best thing about change is...

…it makes us stronger. It improves us. I teach a college course and emphasize that change is unavoidable. Conflict is unavoidable. It improves things in the long run; if not personally, then globally.

What is the best change you have ever made?

Going from working for others to being in private practice. Going from being a student to being a teacher. It’s a cliché but I believe it very strongly: Give a man a fish and you’ve fed him for one day. Teach a man to fish and you’ve fed him for life.

For more information about Martin Kranitz, visit Martinkranitz.com.

Posted: 9/19/07
DorisWood1

Dear friend,
The best way to work and carryout a task is the safe way. There is no better way than the right way, it may be the hard way, or the long way but it is the sure way.With so much in my heart i am here to express myself on how Dr. Zaba saved my marriage from divorce. Myself and my husband were having some misunderstanding and it was tearing our marriage apart to the extend my husband was seeking for a divorce. So i have no option than to go to the internet to seek for solution to my problem it was there i came across Dr.Zaba details and about how he has helped a lot of people by restoring there relationship. I contact Dr.Zaba and in less than 48 hours my husband cancelled the divorce papers. Now myself and my husband live together in peace and harmony all thanks to Dr.Zaba for saving my marriage from breaking up. Dr.Zaba contact information are via email: Zabalovespell@gmail.com or call his phone number: +2347064294395

NatashaHaye

Strong Love spell to get your ex back fast.
I’m extremely happy that my broken Marriage has been restored…
"We recently made up, even though it was difficult. It's been more than a month now, and everything feels like it’s returned to normal. He has begun to treat me better, and it’s been a healing process for both of us. The nightmare that had lasted for almost 2 years before we broke up is finally over. It’s like we fell in love all over again! We’ve both put the past behind us, and are trying to move forward – and for the first time in a long time, the future looks a lot brighter.
I can’t express in words how grateful I am Dr Unity! It’s like we’ve finally rediscovered those things about each other that made us fall in love in the first place. All of the worrying and stress has simply vanished. Thank you Dr Unity for saving my broken Marriage and brought my husband back to me!".
Me and my husband are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr Unity. If you have any problem contact Dr.Unity now and i guarantee you that he will help you.Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com ,you can also call him or add him on whats-app: +2348071622464.
Sarah, 26 years, Texas, USA.

SuePreedyKJ23346

Thank you so much Dr. Trust for restoring back my Broken marriage for 4 years of total separation with my lovely husband cos of her mistress who use a spell on him to abandoned me and our kids. i have contacted so many casters online several times but be scammed. i saw a testimony on the internet of one Juliana testifying of your good work, i contacted you which you assured me just 48 hours for an instant result. Sir just same 48 hours as you promise my husband came back home begging for forgiveness to love and cherish i and the kids forever, am so happy and thankful to you Dr. Trust,,,I am So Happy and Excited because as i am writing this Testimony, My husband is madly in love with me again. If there is any body Out there who is in Difficulties and need help should kindly Contact Dr. Trust on His Email ID and he is Ready to Help you no matter the Situation, (Ultimatespellcast@gmail.com or Ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com call +2348156885231) Web Link

SuePreedyKJ23346

Thank you so much Dr. Trust for restoring back my Broken marriage for 4 years of total separation with my lovely husband cos of her mistress who use a spell on him to abandoned me and our kids. i have contacted so many casters online several times but be scammed. i saw a testimony on the internet of one Juliana testifying of your good work, i contacted you which you assured me just 48 hours for an instant result. Sir just same 48 hours as you promise my husband came back home begging for forgiveness to love and cherish i and the kids forever, am so happy and thankful to you Dr. Trust,,,I am So Happy and Excited because as i am writing this Testimony, My husband is madly in love with me again. If there is any body Out there who is in Difficulties and need help should kindly Contact Dr. Trust on His Email ID and he is Ready to Help you no matter the Situation, (Ultimatespellcast@gmail.com or Ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com call +2348156885231) Web Link

JB12345

PLEASE BE CAREFULLY IN THIS BLOG, NOT ALL ARE REAL, I JUST LOST $ 1,200 dollars TO A FAKE IMPOSTER. CLAIMING TO BE A REAL SPELL CASTER, BECAUSE I WAS DESPERATELY IN NEED OF HELP TO BRING BACK MY BELOVED HUSBAND BECAUSE I WAS NOT ABLE TO GIVE HIM A CHILD, ALSO TO KEEP MY FAMILY IN PEACE BUT I GOT NOTHING. NOTHING GOOD COMES EASY, FINALLY I HEARD ABOUT THIS MAN CALLED. (Dr Purity) A REAL SPELL CASTER, A GREAT MAN INDEED SO I GAVE HIM ALL TRUST, AND GUESS WHAT? HE TRANSFORMED MY FAMILY BACK IN JUST A WEEK, MY HUSBAND CAME BACK! THAT IS NOT THE END OF THE GREAT SPELL CASTER Dr Purity ( THE CHIEF PRIEST OF ALL SPELL CASTERS) ALSO TOLD HIM I COULDN’T GIVE BIRTH TO A CHILD AND HE PREPARED A SPELL FOR ME, MY HUSBAND SLEPT WITH ME, NOW ON THE THIRD WEEK I MISSED MY PERIOD AND I WENT TO A LOCAL HOSPITAL AND THE DOCTOR SAID I AM PREGNANT, I WAS SO MAD I COULD NOT CONTROL MY EMOTIONS IN THE CLINIC. THAT’S HOW I GOT MY FAMILY AND LOVE BACK, LIKE BACK THEN WHEN WE STARTED. IF YOU ARE STILL IN THIS CONDITION LIKE THIS PLEASE WASTE NO TIME, CONTACT.HIM NOW ON Puritytemple@priest.com or +233237788725 contact him now and your problem will be solved.

  • By JB12345
  • on 7/27/16 11:00 AM EST
NatashaHaye

Get your Ex back right now no matter how hopeless your situation seems!! my husband back today and i am so excited sharing my testimony with everyone here. I am Natasha Hayes by name and i reside here in United Kingdom. I'm happily married to a lovely and caring husband ,with two kids.A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my husband .so terrible that he took the case to court for a divorce.he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he didn't love me anymore.So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband .So i explained every thing to him,so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for him too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the email address of the spell caster whom he visited.{Unityspelltemple@gmail.com}. So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address he gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day.What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my husband who didn't call me for the past{7}months,gave me a call to inform me that he was coming back.So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and my children. Then from that day,our marriage was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster Dr Unity. So, i will advice you out there, if you have any problem contact Dr Unity and i guarantee you that he will help you and you will be the next to share your testimony to every one in the world!!. Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com or call him on: +2348072370762.

MorrisAnn

I want to share my great experience to the whole world about how i got my lover back. I promise to share this testimony all over the world once my boyfriend return back to me, and today with all due respect i want to thank Lord Alika for bringing joy and happiness to my relationship and my family. I want to inform you all that there is a spell caster that is real and genuine. I never believed in any of these things until i loosed my boyfriend, I required help until i found lordalikaspelltemple@yahoo.co.uk a grate spell caster, And he cast a love spell for me, and he assured me that I will get my boyfriend back in two days after the spell has been cast. two days later, my phone rang, and so shockingly, it was my boyfriend who has not called me for past 6 months now, and made an apology for the heart break, and told me that he is ready to be my back bone till the rest of his life with me. Lord Alika released him up to know how much i loved and wanted him. And opened his eyes to picture how much we have share together. As I'm writing this testimony right now I'm the most happiest girl on earth and me and my boyfriend is living a happy life and our love is now stronger than how it were even before our break up. So that's why I promised to share my testimony all over the universe.All thanks goes to Lord Alika for the excessive work that he has done for me. Below is the email address in situation you are undergoing a heart break, and I assure you that as he has done mine for me, she will definitely help you too. lordalikaspelltemple@yahoo.co.uk or Link call him +2348072718865

peggygoldd

A GREAT SPELL CASTER THAT HELP ME BRING BACK MY EX LOVER.

What a wonderful and a straight forward spell caster that has brought back joy and happiness into my life!!! Am giving this testimony because am so happy, I want to thank Dr. Ken for the great thing He has done in my life , He brought happiness back to my life, I never believed in spell casters until my life fell apart when my lover of 6 years decided to call it quit almost when we wanted to get married. I was so emotional breakdown to the extent i could not do anything reasonable again, after 3months in pain before an old friend of mine introduced me to a spell caster on line called Dr Ken, this was after I have been scammed by various fake spell casters. I was introduced to Dr Ken a true Spell Caster. In less than 38 hours i saw wonders, my lover came back to me and my life got back just like a completed puzzle, and after 1month later we got married and it was just like a dream to me because i thought i had lost him forever. Thank you Dr. Ken for helping me but most of all, Your Honesty and Fast Accurate Results. EMAIL HIM FOR HELP: supersolutionhome1@gmail.com or supersolutionhom@yahoo.com or through his number +2348074433380. You can also read my testimony on my blogger: Link

peggygoldd

A GREAT SPELL CASTER THAT HELP ME BRING BACK MY EX LOVER.

What a wonderful and a straight forward spell caster that has brought back joy and happiness into my life!!! Am giving this testimony because am so happy, I want to thank Dr. Ken for the great thing He has done in my life , He brought happiness back to my life, I never believed in spell casters until my life fell apart when my lover of 6 years decided to call it quit almost when we wanted to get married. I was so emotional breakdown to the extent i could not do anything reasonable again, after 3months in pain before an old friend of mine introduced me to a spell caster on line called Dr Ken, this was after I have been scammed by various fake spell casters. I was introduced to Dr Ken a true Spell Caster. In less than 38 hours i saw wonders, my lover came back to me and my life got back just like a completed puzzle, and after 1month later we got married and it was just like a dream to me because i thought i had lost him forever. Thank you Dr. Ken for helping me but most of all, Your Honesty and Fast Accurate Results. EMAIL HIM FOR HELP: supersolutionhome1@gmail.com or supersolutionhom@yahoo.com or through his number +2348074433380. You can also read my testimony on my blogger: Link

veartwani

Hello

My name is veart(single). I was impressed when i saw your profile today at and i will like to establish a long lasting relationship with you. In addition,i will like you to reply me through this my private e-mail box(veartwani@ymail.com)
Thanks
waiting to hear from you soon.
veart
I will send to you my pictures in my next mail through this my mail box

veartwani@ymail.com

veartwani

Hello

My name is veart(single). I was impressed when i saw your profile today at and i will like to establish a long lasting relationship with you. In addition,i will like you to reply me through this my private e-mail box(veartwani@ymail.com)
Thanks
waiting to hear from you soon.
veart
I will send to you my pictures in my next mail through this my mail box

veartwani@ymail.com

nwesigwa

Hello dear friend,
To love someone is nothing, to be loved by someone is something, to love
someone who loves you is everything. Looking here for everything of my
life, I write some words. I am single and not engaged. I am in search of
true happiness and am hoping the future brings it. I am almost too honest
for my own good - and hate game playing.
nI am trying to handle some pretty encompassing issues in my life... but am
waiting to remain open-minded where the idea of romance exists. I am
looking for Honest, caring, patient, funny and loyal person. A man that
can be himself in the beginning and remain that same person all the way
through to the end of time !
nIf you are willing to love and be loved with your whole heart & willing to
make the people in your life a "solid' part of your soul... then maybe you
and I will connect. We might just have a lot to talk about through my
private e-mailbox(maryluveu@hotmailcom)
my contact info is.
Take care,
Ms mary maryluveu[at]ho/t/m/a/i/l/com

rose98

We did use Martin for our divorce recently and found him to be very knowledge and easy going. While the process of getting divorce is painful, he helped make it a little easier for us and our children. We will refer anyone we know to him. Thank you Martin!

  • By rose98
  • on 1/1/12 10:35 PM EST
Past30Days

You have got to be kidding!!! This from a man who left his wife for a younger woman after 20+ years. This isn't a man I'd take any advice from ... let alone divorce advice!