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Gayle Rosenwald Smith

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Getting Through Your Divorce

With more than one million divorces in the United States annually, splitting up seems so commonplace… so routine. That is, until it happens to you. Getting divorced is a traumatic, life-altering event has a way of shaking us to the core, causing us to question both our relationships and our self-worth.

While you may not find it comforting, the fact is that you’re not the only one getting divorced: There will be roughly 999,999 other divorces occurring around you this year. Though the per-capita divorce rate is at its lowest since 1970, it still averages about 45%. But you, yourself, are more than just an anonymous, unfortunate statistic. You are a breathing being in emotional turmoil. So where do you begin to get divorce help?

Perhaps the most important action is not to beat yourself up over getting divorced. Viewing yourself as a failure is self-destructive and will not help your situation. Robert Emery, Ph.D., author of The Truth about Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive, says, “Even if you failed at your marriage, you can succeed at divorce.” By taking some steps to protect you and your children—financially and emotionally—you’ll succeed during the first 30 days of getting divorced and beyond.

Coping While Getting Divorced

Shock. Denial. Anger. Resentment. Fear. These are just a few of the emotions you’re likely to experience as you're getting divorced. Don’t deny yourself these feelings; accept them and work to overcome them. If you’re the talkative type, bare your soul to a friend, family member or therapist. If you’re uncomfortable sharing these feelings with others, keep a journal. Finding an outlet for these emotions is an important part of the healing process.

Laura Lebenkoff knows firsthand that getting divorced can knock you for a loop, having experienced her own failed marriage. As a licensed clinical social worker, she helps individuals, children, adolescents and couples deal with the various stages of divorce. Lebenkoff says that many people go through an “emotional divorce” first, over many years, before actually separating or divorcing. They become, over time, less invested in the relationship.

You often go through a whole range of feelings—bouncing from anger to guilt to anxiety to hope throughout the course of the day. The key, she says, is to embrace those feelings. “Look at it as an opportunity to change,” she says optimistically. “Change is a part of life.”

Dan Cantor of East Brunswick, NJ, is twice divorced and says his emotions were completely different each time. “My first wife,” he says wistfully, “I was madly in love with her. When we split up, that was definitely the lowest point of my life. I was emotionally crushed.”

Dan immersed himself in a new hobby, a healthy approach to dealing with getting divorced. He started to go dancing, which provided him a social outlet. Ironically, he met his second wife through dancing. “The second time,” he says, “the marriage was bad for a long time.” After eight months of counseling, he says he knew it was over. “So I had already grieved.”

Posted: 9/18/07

I believe that the post says that getting a divorce is a traumatic life altering event.It is an awful experience but I'm glad that there are professionals that can help people to get through divorce. :)


People need take care and be aware that the first relationship after a divorce can often be the 'rebound relationship' - a frantic desire and a clutching out for a new relationship . often experienced in an attempt to take away your pain, however , this usually only offers temporary releif as this new relationship is often caused by low self esteem and poor matching due to impaired judgement. For these reasons ,these rebound relationships are generally short term only. Friends are vital, but relationships can be disasterous until we are feeling happy about being independent and single. Our choice of partner will then be more objective and successful.

All the best




Divorce certainlyhas 3 stages, (emotional. financial, legal)( running concurrently with the other stages of death (e.g. denial, anger, etc.).
However, and although this does not help stop divorces, please know that the nationally reported statistics of close to 50% are inaccurate. This figure is derieved from using the # of divorces that year as the numerator and the number of marriages that year as the denominator. Actually, then the divorce rate is more like 20-25%. Unemployment statistics are reported similarly: the 10.4% cited is at least double and cloer to triple. This is because statistice used do NOT include those who have already exhausted their benefits, those who are still engaged in the fact finding review process, those who have not bothered to apply because they don't understand they are eligible or are not well advised of the process, or are too proud to do engage in the process, or who did not quailfy because they had not worked 3 consecutive quarters, or do not qualify because they are self-employed or farm workers, or do not qualify because their company was negligent in paying regularly or adequately into the insurance fund due to their own economic issues, for example. Economists then state that the real unemployment rate is usually at least double and closer to triple the amount referred to in the media. This is because only those currrently receiving benefits are counted as being unemployed.


my ex wife prefer a girl

  • By Rickys
  • on 4/18/09 12:22 PM EST

I am getting a divorce and I am shocked that my husband has told everyone else before me that it was over 4 years ago! Excuse me shouldn't he of talked to me and not led me on for these past 4 years thinking that everything was okay?
I am so darned confused about all of this.