"Read about your site in Oprah....visited immediately and plan to become a frequent visitor" -Flo
Read More Testimonials»

Our Getting Divorced Experts

Martin Kranitz

Martin Kranitz

Author of Getting Apart Together: The Couple's Guide to a...

Shared by First30Days View Profile»
Gayle Rosenwald Smith

Gayle Rosenwald Smith

Lawyer and author of Divorce and Money: Everything You Need...

Shared by First30Days View Profile»
Bill Ferguson

Bill Ferguson

Former divorce attorney and author of How to Heal a Painful...

Shared by First30Days View Profile»

Meet all of our Relationships Experts»

Got a Question?


If you have questions about this change, you're in the right place. Our editors, experts, and community of change optimists have answers!


Question:How do you feel when you finally find out that what you thought was true was really true that your soon to be X was really sleeping with his Administrative Assistant? Now what do you do with this information, do you make life difficult for him and her o

Asked by Secretly on 7/21/08 4 Answers»


The truth is, they are the ones that are deficient. In being dishonest and betraying your faith they've really hurt themselves. Can anyone trust them? Can anyone respect them? Is there anything worse than not being someone who can be trusted and respected? Take the high road and know that the best revenge is being happy in your own right, which will happen once you put them and this awful experience behind you.

I often wonder what we're supposed to learn from these heart wrenching experiences. For my own part I wish I had woken up sooner and not wasted as much time as I did with someone who could not and still cannot be trusted in this way.

When I think about all the time I spent wondering and worrying, doubting myself and berating myself for not being this enough or that enough when in reality it had nothing to do with me.

It took lots of time and many lonely nights but one day you realize how lucky you are to be free and when you see what you don't want it makes it so much easier to find what you do want.

In some ways I have to thank my ex for all that I am today. But not his girlfriend ... I'm not that liberal :)

Answered by: VictoriaB on 7/28/08


The truth of the matter is.....there isn't anything that you can do that is going to make them feel the pain that you do. Revenge works in the reverse, that is the joke. Someone said "Revenge is like taking poison while you wait for the other person to die." All you can do is try and get yourself to forgive. What does it mean to forgive? It means that you give up the right to punish someone for the pain and suffering they caused you. Free yourself by getting yourself to a place that you can give the betrayal you've suffered to the Universe, God, whoever or whatever to handle. Its a natural emotion to want to cause suffering to those who we feel cause us to suffer, but in acting on that emotion, we only hurt ourselves.

I will back this up by saying that I was recently betrayed. That is how I found this website. I'm still recovering.

Answered by: sistercontrition on 7/25/08


When I found out, I was hurt, lonely, ashamed (a lot of people knew, so did I, I guess, but I didn't want to believe it so I pretended it wasn't true) and so angry that I attempted to break down her lover's door so I could stone him (I was carrying a 30lb rock), rationalizing that it was Biblical justice. The more I wanted to punish them, the sicker I got.
When I was eventually able to forgive, I felt a lot better. I even rediscovered happiness.
The Forgiveness Project is interesting-Link
And the older I get the more "forgive us...as we forgive those" means to me.

Answered by: oldgold on 7/24/08



I can't begin to fathom how you must be feeling upon finding the truth about your soon-to-be-X!! As to what to do with that information - - - - WoW, what a dilemma! Whatever you decide, know that I support you as you become free of this person.

Please take care, & YoU take care of YOU!!!

Answered by: lilliede81 on 7/23/08
Got an Answer?