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Amber Dotts on Finding a New Romance
In 1999, Amber Dotts abandoned her job in corporate America to embark on a career as an internationally recognized motivational speaker and coach. After touring with Tony Robbins for eight years, she branched out to develop “The Three Keys to Having it All” workshop series, which focuses on helping people unlock the hidden power of their own desires. She holds degrees in psychology and sociology and certifications in neuro-linguistic programming and hypnosis, and her clients range from Olympic athletes to CEOs to artists. Here, Dotts shares her tips and secrets for the first 30 days of finding a new relationship.
What are some of the common mistakes people make when looking for a new relationship?
People often fail to distinguish what it is they want to attract in a partner or relationship. They should look at the mistakes of the past in an effort to create something new. Yet, all too often, people end up dating the same guy/girl—just with different hair and a different name.
They also fail to resolve past relationships. It is much easier to move into something new if the past feels clean and complete. Before finding the love of my life, I went through each relationship of my past and found something to be grateful for in each man. I found at least one quality each man possessed that was a quality I desired for my dream man. I then called each ex and acknowledged this quality and thanked him for our time together. Granted, this exercise was not easy, but it was extremely powerful for all involved.
The last mistake people make is they get too serious, becoming so intent on finding “The One” that they forget to enjoy the journey. They forget to have fun—and fun is crazy-attractive.
How can people find the right person for ourselves?
Create a “Dream Partner” list and journal extensively about this person you’ve created on paper—who he or she is, what he or she believes, how he or she shows up in your life, the things you will do together and most importantly, how he or she makes you feel. Act as if this person is really coming. Create a space for this person in your life. Know that he or she is coming; believe that he or she is coming. Physically create a space for him or her in your closet, a drawer and in your life. Ladies, start wearing sexy underwear every day. Guys, start cleaning your shower daily as if there will be a bathing beauty there later this week.
Next: date! Flirt. Put yourself out there. Get into the world—proximity is important. Decide who you want and then put yourself where you need to be. You want a cowboy? Go to the rodeo. You want a sexy librarian? Go to the library.
How can people visualize success while searching for a new relationship?
Simply visualize being loved and loving, using all your senses. Imagine and create the feelings that go along with being in love. Then take action in the direction of your desires. When I decided I really wanted to be serious about having a relationship, I booked a ticket to Assisi, Italy, one of my favorite places in the world. I’d always thought that if I ever got married, Assisi would be the place I would hold my wedding. I even picked out the chapel! Anyway, I spent two days there by myself, writing about my dream man. I would go to the olive groves where St. Francis of Assisi talked to the birds. Then I went to my chapel and I found a wedding planner. I did everything you need to do to plan a wedding. I really visualized it, created it: “This is what it will look like, this is what it will feel like.” My wedding planner looked at me and said “Oh, Bella, tell me about your man!” And I said, “I don’t know—I haven’t met him yet.” She looked at me like I was insane and just said, “Crazy American!”
Two years later, I met my man, and we went to Assisi and used the same wedding planner; we even told the story at our wedding. Bottom line: It wasn’t until I became really committed, did the visualization and work, declared it was going to happen and took action that I met the right person.
How should people act during the first 30 days of finding a new relationship?
Be yourself—but be your most extraordinary self. Use this time to become the person you have always wanted to be. Do the things you have always wanted to do. Create the body you have always wanted to have, design the dream job, plan that African safari or the trip down the Nile—be someone who is already living a full, rich and gorgeous life. Fall in love with your own life and, above all, be playful!
What can people do to keep things in perspective during this time of ups and downs?
Remain patient. Know that your dream person will come when the time is right and, until then, continue to be in love with your own life.
What emotions and changes can people expect during the first 30 days?
With change comes a full range of emotions—excitement, anticipation, passion, fear, anxiety, doubt. To overcome negative emotions, the smartest thing to do is acknowledge that it is natural to feel them and that to remain with them is a choice. Police your thoughts. The moment you are getting sucked into an emotion that is disempowering, redirect your thoughts and use the statement: “OK, this is how I am feeling now—but what do I want to feel?”
Are there any new trends or ideas related to this subject? An unusual or unorthodox way to meet someone, perhaps?
As a coach, I have an 11-day challenge that I have given to clients who are ready to meet someone and begin a relationship. I have them get comfortable with connecting and acknowledging strangers. Here is the assignment:
For the next 11 days, connect with 11 new men or women a day. You must greet them and then acknowledge something about them that you appreciate. For example, if you are at Starbucks and behind an irate customer, when it is your turn to place an order, share with the clerk how impressed you are with how elegantly he or she handled the guy before you: “You really have a way with people. And by the way, you are quite striking also.” Add the last statement only if you are feeling bravely playful. There is no agenda but to acknowledge the person and then be on your merry way. This exercise boosts confidence, gets people comfortable with being playful and conditions them to look for what they love in people.
What is the belief you personally go to during times of change?
I immediately remind myself that I am responsible for creating the life that I am living. I get very clear on what it is that I want and then move my thoughts in that direction. If change is particularly painful—as it often is—I hear my father’s voice in my head saying, “This, too, shall pass.” It is also helpful to remember how uncomfortable the cocoon must be for the butterfly as she is trying to break free.
The best thing about change is…
...it means I am alive! And as long as I am alive, I am learning; and as long as I am learning, I am growing; and with that growth comes limitless possibilities.
What is the best change you have ever made?
In 1999, I quit my corporate America job, broke up with my boyfriend and sold my house—all in the space of two weeks. Massive change, massive uncertainty—and I felt more alive than I had ever felt in my life.
For more information on Amber Dotts, visit www.threekeystohavingitall.com.