Working After Baby

Juggling home and work can be emotionally and physically exhausting, but there is a happy medium when going back to work after baby.

You have exactly 62 minutes to get to work for your weekly meeting. As you make your way out the door, your three-month-old bundle of joy is crying to be fed—again. And, of course, you’ve forgotten to pack the diaper bag. Sometimes being a new mother and a cog in the corporate machine can instigate a full-on identity crisis.

Motherhood is a wonderful, exciting, dizzying, emotional experience that causes many inevitable changes in your life; changes to your identity, your relationships, your body, your priorities and, certainly, your sleep patterns. Just about the time that you are getting used to all of these changes, another one arrives: The return to work.

More than half of the 80.5 million moms in America return to work within four months of giving birth to their first child, according to the latest statistics issued by the U.S. Census Bureau. The first 30 days of returning to work after having a baby can be a struggle as you adapt to the role of working mother and to adjust to your separation from your child. But remember, you are not alone as you undergo this overwhelming experience. Drawing upon the wisdom of experts and women who have gone through it before, the First 30 Days offers tips to make the transition smoother for both you and your baby.

Choosing the Right Childcare

In your successful return to work, perhaps the most essential factor is making the right childcare arrangements. Your childcare provider is the connection between you and your child, so finding an excellent candidate and establishing strong lines of communication is the key to putting your mind at ease while you are at work.

There are many ways to find quality childcare providers; however, it takes a little homework. If you are considering daycare centers, attain suggestions from fellow parents and pay unannounced visits to each recommended facility during business hours to see how they are run.

When selecting a babysitter or nanny, be sure to use a reputable agency or other resource. Have a list of interview questions handy as you and your partner interview candidates. In addition to education, work experience and first aid knowledge, ask the prospective caregivers about themselves, including their hobbies and goals for the future. If your baby is present during the interview, notice how the candidate interacts with him or her.

Additionally, when you’re handed a list of references by a candidate, remember that it is difficult to determine if those references are legitimate. Above all, trust your instincts when it comes to hiring someone to care for your most precious possession. If a candidate doesn’t feel right to you, even if she seems perfectly qualified, go with your gut.

Melissa Murray, an attorney in Atlanta, spends her week cross-examining witnesses. So she figured interviewing for a nanny for her newborn would be child’s play. “I thought it would be easy to tell which one would be the right fit for our family,” she says, “But my husband—who is also an attorney—and I couldn’t agree on which one to choose.” Melissa and her husband finally whittled down the list to two candidates—one who had years of experience but seemed a bit frosty, and another who had a pleasant smile and warm personality but less experience. Trusting her intuition, Melissa chose to hire the less qualified, but friendlier babysitter. Three years later, she has never regretted her decision.

According to psychologist Robyn Landow, Ph.D., the key to making your childcare situation work is to establish your communication needs early on. “I recommend going overboard in terms of communicating at the beginning,” she says. “You can always cut back later. But I think it would be harder to start with less information, then require more.”

She also suggests developing a manageable communication system with your care provider, which might include a daily phone call, a written report or a brief conversation at the end of the day. Some daycare centers already have a logging system in place, which informs parents about daily activities, naps, feedings and diaper action. Be sure to ask for this service when searching for childcare options.

If you are not satisfied with the way your child’s caregiver is communicating, speak up. Clarify your expectations without putting your provider on the defensive. Help her to understand the emotions you are going through and how necessary constant communication is to the success of your working relationship.

If you have made honest attempts to remedy the situation during the first 30 days, but your childcare provider’s performance is still lacking, it is perfectly acceptable to request time off from work to find a more suitable caregiver. While your employer may not like the idea of your absence, especially right after maternity leave, he or she may appreciate your need to find the right person so that you won’t be further distracted at work while worrying about what’s happening at home.

Getting Over the Guilt

Anxiety and guilt are two common emotions when leaving your baby for the first time, as new mother Erica Wright, a Connecticut-based social worker, found out when she went back to work. “I felt extremely stressed about separating from my son,” she says. “I was so concerned with having his rituals and routines stay exactly the same. I thought that in order to stay connected, I was going to need minute-by-minute reports.”

In order to cope with her feelings, Erica brought her caregiver in 10 days before she was due back at work full time. This allowed her time to practice what it would feel like to leave him and allowed her some time to gain confidence in her sitter’s ability to care for her son. “I had to just accept that some things were not going to be done exactly my way but that he would be fine, anyway,” she says.

Just as there are new mothers who report feeling guilty, stressed or sad to be back at work, there are those who experience a sense of relief, instead. “Taking care of a newborn is exhausting, messy work that is much tougher to do than it looks,” says Landow. “It’s understandable if a mother feels relieved to be away from the house for a while where she may be feeling less competent than she does at the office.”

Nancy Miller, a New York City-based hedge fund manager, was relieved to be crunching numbers back at work following her maternity leave. “When I had my son, I was a little burned-out from my job and was really ready for what I thought would be a break,” she remembers. “I had no idea how difficult being a new mother was going to be. It made managing a multimillion dollar fund seem like a walk in the park!” When Nancy returned to work, her feelings of relief quickly turned to guilt. “While I was happy to be back doing what I knew how to do, I felt guilty for feeling relieved,” she says. “Eventually, I realized that I would have to learn to live with the guilt. Otherwise, it would have eaten me alive.”

Dana Dorfman, Ph.D., also remembers feeling glad when she returned to her job at a parenting center in lower Manhattan. “For the first time in three months, I felt like I knew what I was doing. I liked wearing work clothes, feeling reconnected to my old self again and reuniting with the outside world,” she says.

Feeling more comfortable in her old skin did not mean that Dana did not feel conflicted about leaving her daughter. “While I felt pride and commitment to my work, I also felt like I was betraying my daughter for not staying home with her,” she explains. Rather than fight the ambivalence, Dana learned to accept it. “That is just an inherit part of motherhood,” she says.

Baby-Friendly Work Environments

Some companies are more family friendly than others, offering phase-back programs that allow you to ease gradually back into work—like working part time for up to six months—rather than dive into a five-day workweek from day one.

“Companies understand that they are most vulnerable to losing employees after maternity leave,” says Suzanne Riss, editor-in-chief of Working Mother magazine. “Because it costs more money to replace them, it is in their best financial interest to help mothers make the transition. In return, working mothers end up feeling more loyal to their employers for taking care of them.”

If possible, meet with your boss prior to returning to see what arrangements can be made to ease your transition. In addition to a phase-back program, for example, ask that you not be scheduled for overtime during the first three months. If you plan to pump, inquire about establishing a designated lactation room. Or gather research about the cost-versus-benefits of developing an on-site daycare center and present your findings. Hopefully, one of your requests will be granted. Regardless, it never hurts to speak up.

Whether or not your company offers such benefits, is important to appear positive and professional during the first month back at work. If you don’t feel very upbeat, a certain amount of acting may be necessary. Maintaining a professional posture does not mean pretending that your baby does not exist, however: It’s perfectly appropriate to share baby photographs and stories with your colleagues in the first day or two, but then get down to business.

Being a Working Mom Gets Easier

If you feel teary while in the office, don’t let your emotions take over. Though it might be tempting to hide out in your office, you need to make your presence known in order to stave off the out-of-site-out-of-mind effect, which could hamper your career growth in the long run. Talking to a fellow working mom who has been in the same shoes may provide an emotional release.

When Sarah Hutter, an executive editor at a large media company, asked her mommy friends what to expect upon returning to the office, she was told, “It gets better.” She didn’t believe them. “They tried to convince me that my son would be happy and well cared for, but you just don’t know that until you have gone through it,” she says.

When Sarah felt like breaking down at the office, she sought the support of a fellow working mother who assured her that it would, indeed, get easier over time. At home, her husband comforted her with a series of reality checks. Yes, she could trust the babysitter. Yes, the baby was fine. And yes, her baby still knew his mother.

By the end of the third week, Sarah began to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Though she still has her “meltdown moments,” she enjoys the balance between work and motherhood. “There are more days than not that I come home feeling really happy with my situation. It just feels like I’m getting the best of both worlds,” she says.

There is no set schedule, but adjusting to life back at the office after bonding with baby takes time. “It is the rare mother who can juggle the worlds of work and home with contentment and ease from day one,” says Landow. “Most women should expect to feel shaky for at least two weeks following maternity leave. It takes time to re-establish yourself at work and settle into your new role and routine at home.”

Having successfully made it through the first 30 days of returning to work after maternity leave, Sarah is happy to share her advice. “I think it’s a lot to take on all at once,” she says. “Cry if you feel like crying, but know that it really does get better.”