Planning a Wedding

Meddlesome family members and vendor pressures threaten to rob you of your joy, planning a wedding doesn't have to make you want to elope.

You’ve slipped on the ring, publicly declared your undying devotion to your dearest and drunk in the enthusiastic felicitations of family and friends. Basking in the afterglow of engagement is exhilarating—and the big wedding day probably seems like a distant dream.

But then comes the reality check.

Within a week of saying “I will,” well-meaning loved ones begin pumping you for the juicy details, including the date of your big wedding, who’s doing your catering and which flavor filling you’ve selected for your cake—all things you’ve barely begun to ponder. Between wedding planning pressures and adjusting to your identity as newly affianced, your enthusiasm may become tinged with worry.

Planning a wedding is accompanied by both pleasant and troubling emotional rumblings. You may soon discover that the process is exhilarating, exhausting and extremely difficult emotionally. “Of course getting engaged creates a lot of joy and excitement,” explains Alison Moir-Smith, a Boston-area bridal counselor and author of Emotionally Engaged: A Bride’s Guide to Surviving the “Happiest” Time of Her Life. “But many engaged people are shocked to discover that fear, grief and sadness can also surface. As happy as they are to be engaged, their life as a single person is over. There will never be another first kiss, and that can be scary.”

An estimated 2 million-plus couples become engaged each year—and it’s safe to assume that most will experience similar joys and pains during the wedding planning process. However, acknowledging and addressing the highs and lows of the first 30 days of planning a wedding can help you alleviate those emotional aftershocks.

Phase One: Wedding Planning Bliss

After he—or she—has popped the question, it’s likely that loved ones will be buzzing about your impending nuptials. The first step, recommend some experts, is to celebrate. Wedding expert and co-founder of TheKnot.com Carley Roney suggests planning an easy get-together, such as dinner or drinks. “Planning something simple is a nice way to focus that initial buzz of energy,” she says. It also gives friends and family something to focus on and temporarily staves off the inevitable onslaught of questions about the details of the wedding.

Some couples prefer to rest on their laurels during the early days of planning a wedding. Likewise, you may want resist frantic planning in order to savor the excitement of your wedding announcement. “We made it a point to not plan anything at first,” explains Carrie Hume of Greensburg, PA. “Not rushing into the planning gave us time to enjoy the moment.” Your relaxed attitude and approach will set the tone for the initial phase of your engagement, and family and friends will likely follow your relaxed lead. If you intend to enjoy the engagement experience, rather than freaking out over wedding favors, others will unwind and celebrate, as well.

Phase Two: Planning Panic

Though a certain degree of elation will stick with you until the big day, the thrill of planning a wedding may taper off unsettlingly fast. “When couples get engaged, they’re in a glow of energy,” says Mark Kingsdorf, owner of Queen of Hearts Wedding Consultants in Philadelphia, “but it fades quickly as others turn their attention back to their own lives. Then you’re left looking at this big blank canvas and you have no idea what to paint first. It can be very frustrating and intimidating.”

Added to that emptiness is a barrage of questions from loved ones. Everything from your event date to gift registry to honeymoon destination is fair game—often accompanied by a generous helping of unsolicited advice. Even though your engagement may be only a few days or weeks old, these questions may make you feel as if you’ve been slacking off on the wedding planning front. “Everyone asked us so many questions right away. It was like a flip was switched and we were expected to have everything planned,” says bride-to-be Nico Wagoner from Brooklyn, NY.

Spurred on by rigorous questioning, some consult wedding planning checklists in magazines and on web sites, which can send even the most composed couples into overdrive. “I looked at one checklist that assumed you’d have 12 months to plan a wedding, whereas we were only going to have six,” explains Nico. “It only made me feel worse.”

So how can you deflect questions, suggestions and manipulations gracefully? “First, remember that people are just sharing their excitement with you,” Moir-Smith advises. “Then, be polite and say, ‘That’s a great idea. We’ll definitely think about.’ If you like the idea, discuss it with your fiancé. If you don’t, let it go.” She adds that using scripted dialog may help you defuse the tension of the moment and provide a sense of control during uncomfortable conversations.

Friends and relatives can be finessed, but financial worries often make us panic on a deeper level because we have very little control over money. When researching locations and expensive vendors, it’s easy to imagine costs spiraling out of control. The good news? One simple strategy can help couples manage this early stressor: communication.

Now is the time for you and your fiancé to talk with your families to determine how much everyone can afford to contribute. “As soon as it’s convenient, couples should have a frank conversation with each other and with their parents about how much money everyone is comfortable contributing,” Kingsdorf advises. “It will help you define parameters, which will also help you make decisions.”

The next step is to decide upon a rough size of the gathering and stick to that estimate while firming up the guest list. A smaller affair will allow you to devote more money to costly niceties, such as a wedding planner, videographer and entertainment.

Phase Three: United You Stand

Once the initial emotions of exhilaration and anxiety about planning a wedding pass, it’s time for you and your true love to discuss your personal visions for the wedding ceremony and reception. “Working together to set priorities for the wedding is the equivalent of writing a mission statement for your business—don’t start spending time and money on planning until you both know what you want,” Kingsdorf says. “The average couple spends $27,000 and devotes 250 hours of planning to their wedding. If they start rushing into decisions, they’ll have to spend even more money and time renegotiating later.”

However, melding two unique, personal visions into one wedding is a tricky proposition, as groom-to-be Neil Binkley of Philadelphia discovered. “I had some ideas about what my wedding would be like, and my fiancée had some ideas of her own. The problem was that our ideas didn’t jibe.”

As you negotiate the creation of one vision, you’ll likely bicker. “Fighting about wedding planning is perfectly normal and, surprisingly, an important part of the process,” explains Moir-Smith. “Of course the bride and groom are going to have different ideas because they have different backgrounds and viewpoints. The key is to look at this process as an opportunity to develop your communication skills.”

While in the thick of negotiations, remember that you’re laying the groundwork for a lifetime of collaboration. “As I’m helping couples plan their weddings, I see plenty of fights,” Kingsdorf says. “Grooms often just don’t get the level of detail involved in planning a wedding, while brides often get frustrated that the groom doesn’t seem to care about the same things she does.”

The best way to defuse tension, Kingsdorf advises, is for you to acknowledge the efforts of your partner—and pick and choose your battles. For grooms who are overwhelmed with the sheer number of decisions to be made in the wedding planning process, Kingsdorf suggests an attitude of respect rather than apathy. “If your bride asks what you think about the flowers, don’t say, ‘I don’t care.’ Instead, say, ‘I don’t know that much about flowers; they’re not high on my list of priorities. I know you’ve put a lot of thought into this, and whatever you choose will be great.’ ” For brides who are struggling to find a way to involve the groom, let him concentrate his efforts on his specific interests. The groom could pick the band or DJ if he’s into music, or the invitations and other printed materials if he’s passionate about design, recommends Kingsdorf.

Allowing each of you to work on your specialties will keep the enjoyment level high and establish an effective working partnership while you're plannign the wedding. “We always communicated well before, but I was surprised to learn how all the planning has helped us become even more considerate of each other,” bride-to-be Nico says.

To Plan, or Not to Plan the Wedding

Beyond making some preliminary decisions, the experts disagree on how much actual wedding planning should be accomplished in the first 30 days. Kingsdorf suggests booking the main vendors—such as the ceremony, reception site and, perhaps, the caterer—in these first few weeks. “Most couples find that filling in the broad strokes—such as the date, the location, the band and the caterer—allows them to fill in the finer strokes—the exact hors d’oeuvres and the individual songs—at a more leisurely pace,” he says.

Moir-Smith, who sees many brides and grooms use obsessive wedding planning as a way to fend off the more complicated feelings that can arise during the planning period, recommends a different tack: “I advise couples to not be afraid to hold off on planning and enjoy this precious time,” she explains. “It creates the opportunity for each of them to start acclimating to this enormous life change.”

Like many couples, you may need to postpone wedding planning for the first 30 days if you’re feeling overwhelmed. “We wanted to take the time to enjoy being engaged and limited ourselves to only talking about what we both envisioned for our wedding,” says Shannon McKinnon of Bowmanville, Ontario. “It was a great opportunity to settle into our roles as a couple and take in all the changes that were happening.”

Beth O’Reilly, of Sheboygan, WI, echoes this sentiment. “Although I did try on a handful of wedding dresses within the first week, I made a decision not to get bogged down in planning right away. I just wanted to enjoy the feelings of excitement and anticipation.”

Whether you savor your engagement or fast-track your wedding planning, make sure your decision feels right. If you’d prefer to take things slowly, don’t start planning a wedding simply because your loved ones are pressuring you to set a date and choose a location. Likewise, if you’re both full of giddy, nervous energy, perhaps planning would provide an outlet. The choice is yours—the key is to make it consciously and comfortably.

Processing Your Many Emotions

During the wedding planning process, strong emotions other than pure bliss may come as a shock to you, yet experiencing a wide range of feelings is a natural part of the transition from singleton to spouse. As your identity as an independent individual slips away, grief is a common reaction. “Suddenly, each member of the couple is wondering how they can stay true to themselves and still be a married person,” Moir-Smith says. “These identity issues are shocking, but the true purpose of an engagement is to slowly shed that single identity.” The more fully you surrender that old identity, she explains, the more painless your transition to married life will be on your wedding day.

To successfully survive this emotional rollercoaster, Moir-Smith suggests examining your deepest feelings. “Taking time for self-reflection, whether it’s journaling, talking with a confidante or looking through old photographs, is a vital part of the grieving process,” she advises.

The Final Result

Even the most grounded individuals can crack under the pressures of wedding planning, so couples may be in for both tears and tirades during their engagement. Stresses and identity crises aside, it’s important to remember that these emotional tides will result in a deeper connection.

“Any time the bride or groom becomes obsessed or upset about planning, remember that this is not about place settings,” Moir-Smith advises. “This is about marriage.” Before long, the guests will be seated, the wedding march will play and your new life as a couple will begin. Even after all your wedding planning, your cake’s filling flavor will go unnoticed.