Finding Romance

Don't let the dating scene intimidate you! Just be yourself, get out there, have fun and a new relationship will blossom in no time.

Natalie West was terrified. There she was, sitting in a New York City coffee shop waiting for her date to arrive, and he was late. Nine minutes late, to be exact. And she had arrived five minutes early. That totaled 14 excruciating minutes of waiting, deciding whether she should go ahead and order (she didn’t), wondering if this Jason character she met online was going to show (if not, how typical of her luck), wondering if he’d already come in, seen her and walked back out the door (if so, how embarrassing). The tension and fear roiled in her stomach. Maybe this online dating thing was a bad idea after all.

But then, Jason Stratsburg walked in. He looked just like his profile, only a bit leaner, and maybe his hair was lighter, as well. He glanced around the coffee shop, spotted her and broke into a grin—a big grin. And suddenly, Natalie’s terror began to drain.

As singles, we are often intimidated by the dating scene and unsure of how to weed through the throngs to find the perfect match. Natalie took a leap of faith by entering the dating arena, moving out of her comfort zone and actively pursuing a new relationship.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there are more than 98 million singles in the United States. That’s 98 million fish in the sea—and a heck of a lot of opportunities for love. The secret is to welcome the challenge and view the dating process as one of adventure and self-discovery. Using tips from the experts and testimonials from successful love seekers, you can create a firm foundation for your first 30 days of finding a new relationship.

Change Is in the Air

Just as you take a shower before work, clean your living room before company and paint your house before putting it on the market, you must prepare to jump into the dating pool, say the experts. “I advocate a ‘fix up, paint up’ approach,” says Pepper Schwartz, professor of sociology at the University of Washington and author of Finding Your Perfect Match. “Go to the gym. Get a haircut. Get new clothes. Get ready like you would for any big thing. If you’re living with your parents, you’ve got to move out. If you’re a guy, get some money to take a girl out. It’s really a planning phase of looking at a bunch of categories and making sure you’re ready.

If a total revamp sounds scary, remember that this is one time in your life when you have no strings attached and no romantic obligations—this is a time when change comes easiest. Since it’s important to accomplish as much as possible in the first 30 days, you should start your self-evaluation and metamorphosis immediately. “I don’t think life change comes gradually; it comes all of the sudden,” says Nancy Slotnick, CEO of Cablight.com, a web site that helps people with love life management. “When you’re trying to make a change in your dating life, you want to make sudden and extreme changes. If what you’re doing isn’t working, change it. It can be scary, but it’s also exciting because you’ll get new results.

During this time of aesthetic and mental housecleaning, you should start thinking about the person you’re looking for. Instead of storing these ideas in your head, you should write them down on paper and create a composite dream date. “Make lists of the values you want, the style you want and the temperament you want in another person,” says Jackie Black, Ph.D., a relationship coach who serves as Maxim magazine’s relationship expert. “What do you want and expect from a relationship? What do you offer and provide?

However, a big part of finding a new relationship involves letting go of past hurts. Recognize where former relationships went wrong and acknowledge the mistakes that were made; this will prevent you from repeating the same patterns all over again. For instance, if your former significant other was the jealous, possessive type, search for someone a bit more easygoing. As Albert Einstein said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Get Out There

You’ve updated your wardrobe, put your finances in order and evaluated your past dating experiences. Now what? If you’re just waiting for “The One” to knock on your door while you watch yet another “Seinfeld” rerun, you’ll probably wind up with a few George Costanzas. “People want a relationship to happen magically, the ‘natural way.’ I don’t even know what that means!” Slotnick says. “You have to spend time searching. I recommend my clients spend 15 hours a week on their search. People gasp and say, ‘How am I going to find that kind of time?’ But think about it: If you’re in a relationship, you spend about that much time with your significant other because you make the time. Do the same thing while you’re looking.

As Natalie discovered, the internet is a great dating resource. According to Alexa.com, a web information company, there are more than 130 matchmaking sites on the web. Think of internet sites as dating shorthand: These resources offer a lot of personal information that date-seekers wouldn’t otherwise know at first glance. “I’m a big advocate of the internet—it’s actually how I found my husband,” says Robyn Spirtas, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist and relationship expert. “I think it’s a great way to weed through and find people who are more compatible with you right from the beginning. If you don’t want to date someone who smokes, you may meet someone at the grocery store, but you have no idea if that person smokes. On the internet, you can eliminate people more easily. And it also brings you to so many people you would never have run into.

A lower-tech, but possibly more costly option is a matchmaker service or dating agency, in which a third party hand-selects date participants. Though this may sound like a stodgy, old-world method, high-end matchmakers have become very popular in recent years among busy professionals. Some agencies arrange painless dating events, such as lunch, which allows participants to size each other up during short encounters.

Another, more traditional, avenue is for you to join a group or take a class in which you might meet someone with similar interests. If you’ve always wanted to learn how to play golf, now is the time to break out those clubs. If you’re interested in politics, you should volunteer for a local campaign. If you want to learn Spanish, you should start rolling those Rs in a foreign-language class. “Go to the place that energizes, excites and enlivens you,” Black recommends. “If you are doing something you love to do, if you are engaged and passionate, it’s like a giant beacon. People will find you.

As a relationship seeker, you shouldn’t shy away from risks. If your friends want to set you up with someone, you should go. If you hear about a singles cruise you want to take and none of your friends can join you, take the trip anyway. The key is for you to embrace the strong, fearless side of you personality that you may have forgotten about over the years. “Forget the ‘I don’t want to go alone’ attitude,” explains Spirtas. “Don’t just stay home; go anyway. Be a big boy or a big girl and go by yourself.

Turn On Your Love Light

Perhaps the most obvious—but least-utilized—tool for finding a new relationship is for you to send out signals that you’re open to meeting a potential date. Sitting in a coffee shop is better than sitting in a living room, but if you bury your head in a book, you are hardly approachable. Going to a bar with friends is fine, but huddling in a booth with them all night probably won’t lead to a phone number exchange with that cutie playing pool. “Be in the mindset for something great to come your way—make eye contact easily, smile readily,” Slotnick says. “Some people will get on an elevator, see a person they think is cute and talk to everyone on the elevator except the person they’re attracted to. You’ve got to stretch yourself, push yourself, dare yourself to take it further than you normally would.

Dean Harris, a 28-year-old real estate broker from Atlanta, says this principle was tough for him because, as he puts it, it meant “opening himself up for rejection.” But when he finally got up the nerve to introduce himself to the beautiful girl he always noticed at the gym, he was shocked at how easily their conversation flowed. After a few more conversations, he went a step further and asked her on a date. Nine months later, they’re still going strong. “And I seriously came close to never talking to her,” Dean says, shaking his head.

People have the ability to have a glow if they want to attract someone, the same way New York City cabs have lights that go on to show they’re available,” Slotnick advises. “Hold eye contact a little longer than you’re comfortable with, then look away. Flirt with someone when you’d normally be shy. Just go for it.

Be a Deft Dater

If you meet someone you’re interested in—who is also interested in you, of course—it’s time for the real deal: the date. According to the experts, one of the fastest ways to ensure that your date is memorable is to do something a little out-of-the-ordinary. “Be interesting: Instead of just a requisite dinner and a movie, go to a boat show, a car show or a great outdoor festival,” says Schwartz. “Do something that will have your date saying, ‘Wow, this person can make my life more interesting.

Doing a little mental preparation beforehand is also wise. “You have to prepare for a first date—what you want to talk about and what you don’t want to talk about,” explains Schwartz. “Don’t talk about your ex, your frustrations with your kids, your bad day at work. If you don’t plan what you’re going to say and not say ahead of time, you’re going to go into default mode and talk about negative or inappropriate things because you’ve been talking about them elsewhere. Remember: Complaining is not attractive.

There are a few mistakes you can make while searching for the right relationship, but perhaps the biggest mistake is not knowing when to move on. “Do not go out with someone just to be going out,” says Carol Burk, a 56-year-old retired college professor from Austin. “My friends would say, ‘Just go out with him—you might meet someone else while you’re out.’ But it would have been best for me to just move on when I knew I wasn’t attracted to a person instead of forcing myself to see him again.

While immersed in the dating process, refer back to the list of qualities you are looking for in a significant other and continue to review it along the way. While no one is perfect, some dates just aren’t what you’re looking for, and there’s no sense in wasting time and dragging out a non-relationship. “People jump in too fast—they set parameters and boundaries and then the minute someone pays attention to them, all their wants and wishes go by the wayside,” Spirtas says. “Pay attention to your gut, and don’t be so desirous of a new relationship that you give up on your dreams.

Enjoy the Process

During the first 30 days, you may find a relationship, and you may not. But no matter what, each day brings you one step closer to your goal—and maybe a few steps closer to being the kind of mate someone else is looking for, as well.

Throughout the 30 days, try to have fun, enjoy the new conversations you have and get to know other people and yourself,” says Slotnick. “As you get to know yourself better, you may end up rethinking your ideal person and ‘trading up.’ You may start to aim even higher!

And remember, no one said finding love was easy—or speedy. Even when the journey seems impossibly long, remember that there is much fun to be had along the way. “There’s no time limit on this,” says Schwartz. “Over the next 30 days, you may meet a bunch of frogs—that’s just luck of the draw, and it doesn’t forecast the next 30 days. Don’t give up. Keep in mind that when you do find a new relationship, all this time spent ‘in training’ will absolutely be worth it.