First 30 Days Blog

02 feb

Coming Out of Survival 14: Learning to Say No

WaniManley14. Learning to Say No

A new friend in my life with whom I’ve very grown fond of recently held a charitable event to raise money for sick children at UM Hospital. I had every intention of attending the event in the weeks leading up to the event, wanted to attend, but I did not go. Instead, I spent the evening writing for my book and blog. That night, when I started to write, as usual, I was not all that inspired but I knew that I had to write as this book or blog was not going to write itself. During this time, I thought of him and how the event was going, whether it was successful and well attended and thought well wishes and for the event.

Strangely, I had no thoughts of guilt for not attending the event and thereby seeming to be an unsupportive friend, as I hadn’t even excused myself with him from the event. In other words, I did a “no call” “no show,” which is so not me. This all changed when I finally laid my head down to sleep when my seductive friend guilt and her main-squeeze disapproval paid me a visit. I started to feel really bad for not going, think thoughts of how I could have actually gone for a just a short time and returned back home to write and it wouldn’t have killed me, and it’s not like my book is anywhere close to being completed or like I have sweet deal with some publisher. I started to see myself as selfish and didn’t feel so good; after all, it wasn’t a party but a charitable event to benefit sick children. More so, I thought how I had really become selfish in the past year as I had shifted from that people-pleaser girl who always supported her friend’s at their events, parties, and gatherings no matter what (sound familiar?) to learning how to say, “Sweetheart, I love you, but the answer is no,” and instead be there for myself and put myself first.

As I went to bout with my inner vixens, I realized what I was doing, snapped out of it and told myself that I was exactly where I was that night doing exactly what I needed to be doing, which was writing, and the only proof I need that this is true is that I was not at the event and didn’t need to be. I realized that for the first time this shift in me was me having respect for myself, the gateway to self-love, which is something that I did not know I was lacking until I started this journey of personal development and enlightenment. After ignoring myself for years and always attending to the needs and desires of others, I was finally giving myself some much needed attention, discovering who I am and falling madly in love with myself; and consequently falling in love everyone and life in of itself.

Many of us (especially women) have been taught to always be there for others, to be supportive, or to always put others before you as it is the “right” and “moral” thing to do. We are also taught that putting yourself first or to always think of yourself first before others is selfish and being selfish is of course bad. Not so, but it is all part of our conditioning. I have come to realize on this journey that if I don’t start putting myself first and giving up the need to always be there for others, or to be seen as always being there for others, that my worst fear of being a “should-a, could-a, would-a,” which translates to “should-have, could-have, would-have had every opportunity to achieve whatever I want but didn’t do so and I have no excuse” would be on fast train to being true. In order for you live your own personal truth and have all that you so desire you have to be selfish sometimes and learn how to say “no” to others, especially when it comes to your time.

We are always there for other people but never there for ourselves and we are always helping others manifest their destiny while ours fall by the wayside. We continuously talk about what we want to do, are going to do, and it never gets done. Remember the words of Henry Ford; “you can’t build a reputation on what you are doing to do.” You build a reputation on what you have done and what you have become. In my moment of lamenting over my friend’s event, I knew that if I don’t keep saying “no” to invites and to certain other things in my life as well as let of the need of always having to be there for everyone except for myself that this book, which is tied to my personal truth and purpose, would never get written and published as I so desire.

And so I ask you. What things in your life are not getting done because you are so busy being there for other people and concern with being a people pleaser? What things do you want to do that have not yet been done? What dreams do you that have been deferred? Take a look and see and learn how to say “no” and start putting yourself first so that you don’t die with your music still left inside you. And if any guilt sets in within you, just remember that the greatest gift you can give to anyone is living your own personal truth and purpose, which actually affects everyone around you both near and afar.

With Love,


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Posted by Wani Manly on February 2nd, 2011 in Uncategorized | 0 comments

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