First 30 Days Blog

09 aug

It’s never too late

spent my life becoming what everyone expected of me, giving up what I wanted for me. Literally, I gave up my soul.
I had wanted to be a fashion/costume designer and planned to attend a design college after high school. At that point my parents decided that I would not. They panicked and called my school and having the principal, vice principal, etc. intervene in my plans. They proceeded to force me into going to a business University. I couldn’t. I knew I would die in the boredom of doing something completely opposite of what I wanted.

I then had to make another choice. I settled for whatever was left and that was to get a job. Then followed marriage and children and many more jobs. Nothing was satisfying or fulfilling.

I married and divorced twice and kept getting different jobs, just to make money and there was never enough money. I learned to struggle, to not have enough, to just barely get by.

Now I know the choice I made was all that I had, but it was not the right choice. I lived with it for many, many years. I also know that I am one the unique people who cannot work for someone else and knowing this is good, but I needed to do something about it. I am independent, a free-spirit. I cherish my freedom, but I did not know what to do.

I finally decided to discover the talents that I had. I took acting, voice, watercolor, fashion modeling, and dance classes trying to find the things that I loved and could do well. I had forever given up on fashion design, never even gave it a thought. Writing was something that just happened as I plucked out the beginning of several novels and a self-help book.

I contacted a writing teacher who informed me that I was very talented and should not try to edit, don’t take a writing class, not even his. At this time it would slow me down. He told me to do nothing, but write, write and write.

Now my writing comes not from imagination needed for novels, but more from being a philosopher and using my wisdom to share with others.

Then I found the dance classes and dancing on stage were the most enjoyable and breathtaking. I love to dance more than life itself and by my instructors I am told that I am a very good dancer. It’s very possible that I started too late, although I try very hard not to believe this, to become a professional dancer.

So now, still being uncertain, I seem to be bothered and betwixed with making a choice. Do I continue writing? Do I dream even harder about being a dancer and against all odds believe it can happen? Do I go back to my childhood dream of being a fashion/costume designer?

I’ve worked in low-paying office and degrading and demeaning retail jobs. I know I cannot continue this way, but the change seems overwhelming and because of the messages I received from my parents and those around me I feel as though I am betraying them.

I, right now, believe I can write, but I seem to feel frightened and find ways to procrastinate until I give up. I also know I must continue to dance, but maybe that is just for me.

Changing from a woman who cowers behind those who intimidate me, working in jobs that leave me feeling worthless to the free-spirit I know I am is the biggest task I’ve ever taken on.

So, maybe, after sharing this with you I will believe that I am a writer, that I can philosophize intelligently, that the wisdom I’ve gained in life will be a benefit for those who read my writing. Instead of regretting the choices I’ve made I realize that they were setting me up to be someone who teaches others.

This is a brief portion of this part of my life and is to be a part of my book. That is if I can continue to write it, which I now believe I can.

I welcome comments and advice.

Thank you for letting me share this with you.


Shared by: JustBecauseBiz.

Posted by First 30 Days on August 9th, 2009 in Personal Stories | 2 comments

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  • I noticed your writer’s voice even before I got to the part about your writing pursuits. Dance, Design, and Writing are all forms of artistic expression and I hope there is room for all of them in your life. Please go forward with the writing – it’s clear you have much to say and can do it well!

    Shared by AMM2009

    — Added by admin on August 22nd, 2009
  • Wow this sounds like I wrote it – I actually wrote something similar just below! You ARE a writter JoAnna ! You are beautiful person – a creative person – a person that has found her inner voice!

    Shared by KyliesMom.

    — Added by admin on August 22nd, 2009

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