First 30 Days Blog

15 jun

Being in the Void

I’m told I am in “the void.” This is a time in my life when changes are coming and I need to be patient, I’m told.
Seven years ago I ended my 15-year marriage, thinking naively that it would make my life “better.” My ex-husband was angry and bitter, declaring that he would “crush me” until I broke. He has worked hard at it over these last several years.
I had a successful career before marriage as a legal administrative assistant to a top corporate lawyer in Toronto. When we married, I immediately became pregnant and stopped working one year into our marriage. We moved to the Ottawa Valley and I had three children within five years. There was no possibility of my working, in my mind. My husband was successful and working on his career, too busy to help out with child rearing and so it was all left to me. The marriage was never good. I don’t think we had any idea that the relationship was really based on parties and drinking and having fun, instead of a good foundation necessary to last through life’s tough times.
Gradually, my finances as a separated mother of three diminished. He refused to pay me my assets, declaring that if I wanted spousal support then I wasn’t getting them. My lawyer quit after 3 yrs because he felt he was never going to see his fee and so slowly I went back to court alone, three times. Two years ago my two youngest teens, 14 and 16 then, went to live with their father after he coerced them with flying lessons and driving lessons (neither of which happened more than once) if they came to stay with him for the summer. He then stopped paying my support payments altogether and with financial difficulties galore already, I crumbled. He had already registered the kids in school in his town, long before summer holidays came about. I fell apart. I was evicted from my apartment and moved to a small town on Lake Huron, to be close to my sister and mother for a while, to regroup. I had just completed, scraping by due to my emotions and financial difficulties, a one year college diploma in business. I was in no shape to take a full time office job, even though I applied for many.
For the next year and a half I did a few odd jobs, cleaning mostly. I didn’t make new friends and didn’t know who I was anymore. I still don’t.
I moved a total of 10 times in 7 years. Gradually I have given away most of my things. I have kept photos of course, stuffed teddy bears for each of the kids and their drawings from when they were little. I ache inside for the unfinished business of raising my kids to adults.
My 20 yr old, the oldest, lived alone in Toronto. He only stayed with his father for a month and struggled to find his way, lost for a while. He is in a rock band and not completed his high school and so his father refuses to talk to him or help him in any way. I moved back to Toronto a few months ago to find a job, I hoped, and to help my son get some stability.
I moved in with a niece-in-law (my nephew ended their marriage a few months ago) and her 3 yr old daughter. I was concerned that I would end up being the nanny and stressed on more than one occasion that I was moving to Toronto to create a new life, get a job and an apartment and that I wasn’t capable of giving her child what she needed. My niece-in-law works in the film industry as a makeup artist and had jobs planned all summer long, with 15 hour days. Within a couple of weeks it became clear to me that she wasn’t intending to find other daycare and had expected me to do it all. I asked her to find a second babysitter so that I could do what I had intended and she told me to move out in two days as my nephew would move back in, living in the basement where my room was, to take over the daycare.
I found a place, with no last month’s rent and on short notice. I had no furniture at all, just clothes and odds and ends. The apartment I rented looked fine but turned out to have cockroaches and bed bugs. I slept on the floor the first night, with one blanket. The next night I bought a blow up bed. For three weeks I struggled to keep my sanity; the apartment was over a pub and much louder than it had seemed to be initially. The bed bugs were biting me and I couldn’t find a job. My money wasn’t lasting and I was at a loss as to what to do.
I put an ad on a site begging someone to help me with an apartment and was allowed to move into a basement apartment, by a kind landlady. The place had been vacant for a few months and she let me live here rent free for two weeks. I have gradually managed to get a little furniture from a freecycle site, but transporting it here always costs money and so I still don’t have a bed and dressers. I am sleeping on a mattress on the floor, which is fine. My son is sleeping in my living room on my futon couch. That is fine too.
I am intelligent, attractive, well spoken, hard working and.. lost. I was very career driven and determined to have everything in my life but realized that the material things aren’t as important as feeling right.
I am on a spiritual journey that has been difficult. I study Buddhism, have joined a group of people who meet to discuss the laws of attraction, have joined a gym that I can’t really afford, but find it gives me a place to go to every day, as well as keeps me from slipping into depression.
I have no confidence when it comes to jobs. My computer skills are rusty. I am 51 years old and have no current work experience. My resume has such big gaps, filled only with housekeeping and cleaning jobs.
I am so much more.
I went back to court with a new lawyer in March and am waiting to get a judgment regarding my support and my assets. The judge we saw in March said it is time that I am paid. I agree.
My intention is to go to a free silent retreat for ten days. After that I would like to go back to school. I still owe $11,000 to OSAP for loans regarding my business diploma but I would like to get accredited with holistic studies; aromatherapy massage, Indian head massage, more Reiki, reflexology and pedicures too. I finally have a plan but it all takes money and time.
In the meantime, I pray and meditate and tell people that I am looking for a job. I am looking for a job but after sending out about a thousand resumes for every type of job imaginable, I am waiting. I’m in the void. Good things come to those who wait, they say.

Shared by suky58.

Posted by First 30 Days on June 15th, 2009 in Personal Stories | 0 comments

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