First 30 Days Blog

18 dec

My Loss, Change, and Outcome??

On August 3rd, I received the worst news I could have imagined. Both my mom and dad were found at the lake. Cause of death: Drowning. This was their first time having the boat out. Determined to get it out at least one time before summer was over. I spoke with my mom the night before and she was so excited.

My parents were my world. Yes I have my own family but I felt as though I didn’t need anyone other than my parents. They were my inspiration and my bestfriends. I am truely devastated without them. I have a 2 and 4 year old so they keep me busy so when I do break down it is not good. I have resentment towards my husband because he doesn’t understand why after 4 months why it still upsets me. We have been together almost 10 years and I find it very inconsiderate that he doesn’t understand how this has affected me. I talked with my mom every morning through email to decide where to meet that afternoon for lunch. She would either pick me up and we would go eat somewhere, or meet at the park to walk, or she came to my house those last few weeks to help me do dishes and straighten up. I miss the encouraging phone calls every evening from both of them. My mom would be on the phone but you could hear my dad in the background saying ” Everything will be okay sis. You are an awesome mom and have two wonderful, respectful boys.”

I don’t see where this tradegy will take me or what the future has in store for me. I do believe that God took two wonderful people, for what reason I am still not sure. I have experienced a lot of loss over the last few years. 2001 was my biological dad, 2005 was my Grandpa, 2007 was my Grandma, and now 2008 both my parents. My parents met when I was one and my brother five. My dad (step-dad) was only 19 when taking on the responsiblity of two kids. Ever since he raised us as his own and we treated him as our own.

I would appreciate any guidance or suggestions. I understand that the whole grievance will take some time. I just wish I had the support to get through it. My husband and his mom are so selfish that I don’t think they really understand what I am going through. Since their death I have had to put my emotions to the side in order to carry on with raising my two kids and doing the routine things I did before. Which I know is good to keep me busy, but I am afraid of the day it sinks in I do have a breakdown because who will be there to hold me up…not my mom and dad anymore.

Shared by lost_unsure.

Posted by First 30 Days on December 18th, 2008 in Personal Stories | 4 comments

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  • I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my best friend (my Dad) in 2004 so I am familiar with the pain of loss and while the pain of both parents must be twice as bad, I hope that it helps you to know they had each other. I do have a friend at work who did lose both parents in a house fire so please do let me know if you’d like to talk to her. It’s been 3 years and she is doing much better. We both talk about how we believe our parents are still with us, and we ask daily for signs from them, and yes get excited by the signs we recieve. I felt my husband was not so supportive as well and we actually were not speaking most of my days after my Dad’s loss. Maybe they feel pain because they can’t fill our void? Talk to your Mom and Dad everyday, and do for them as you would if they were still here. I am having a seminar for charity and it is actually a gift for my Dad because he loved our country so much and asked that I do this. I joke it is the last big gift I’ll be giving him but I do feel so good by doing this. Please honor your memories and know that a love like you had, never dies. It stays with you forever and will guide you.. God Bless you and your family! Carla beau

    Shared by carlabeau.

    — Added by First30Days on August 28th, 2009
  • I literally have nightmares about this: losing both my parents in some kind of accident. I cannot even begin to imagine the depths of your sorrow.
    Everyone grieves differently and for different periods of time. I’m sure that your husband isn’t trying to make it harder—sometimes we just cannot understand when people bear the weight of such trauma. Our societal cues tell us that we should “be over” grief quickly. That’s not how it happens.
    Ariane was on a radio show about grief in August of this year. I’d encourage you to take a listen to the recording (Link So much of what is shared by the hosts and the other guest, as well as Ariane, is really applicable to what you are experiencing. One of the most important takeaways is that you must let yourself break down. Get your husband to take the kids or have a friend or two help you. Do what you need to do now…setting aside your emotions will only make it harder later on.
    My deepest sympathy and prayers. I can’t pretend to know why God is bringing you through this, but I do know that He makes everything beautiful in His time.

    Shared by kristen.

    — Added by First30Days on August 28th, 2009
  • My heart breaks to hear your story. As arabrab says, it’s almost too much to bear to lose both parents. Your life will never be the same, but as someone else on this site said about losing loved ones, what you will find is a new normal.
    We all deal with grief and loss differently and there isn’t any timetable. You’re not going to wake up one day and feel better or be okay with it. What you’re more likely to experience is a dulling of the pain over time.
    Like arabrab, I too am sad you’re not getting the support you need at home. It’s likely as arabrab says a jealousy thing … an immaturity thing.
    Support is important, though and I wouldn’t hesitate to find a grief support group. Knowing that other people are going through the same thing and are feeling for you and with you can really make a world of difference in your outlook. Part of what’s making you feel so terrible is that there is no one you can share your feelings with that understands what you’re going through.
    We have a wonderful expert on our site. His name is Bernie Siegel. He shared some thoughts with us that I want to share with you.
    The only thing of permanence is love.
    Your tears only serve to extinguish your departed beloved one’s celestial candle.
    Every life is like a candle with a limited time to light the way for yourself and others, so burn up and not out before your time.
    Use your pain to help others. We are all wounded and in love’s service only the wounded soldier can serve.
    If you want to die laughing then fulfill the reason we are here for, to serve love, and give your family stories to share with you that will remind you of the joys of your life.
    Please know that you’re in our thoughts and that more people love you, care for you and are pulling for you than you realize.

    Shared by VictoriaB.

    — Added by First30Days on August 28th, 2009
  • I am so sorry for your loss. Most of us would, I’m sure be just as devistated at such a loss. Both parents at once is almost to much to take. You are right though in putting your trust in God. Pray for strength and He will see you through. I am really upset that after 10 years of marriage your husband isn’t more understanding. He has to know just how much your parents meant to you and for him to be so indifferent about your feelings is unbelievable. However, I’m sure there is probably a good reason for his feelings. He’s probably been jeolous of your parents attention and now that they are no longer around he thought he would have you all to himself. He doesn’t understand that the grieving process can take years. Good luck and just pray for the strength for one more day, hour, minute and someday the pain will be less, hopefully.

    Shared by arabrab.

    — Added by First30Days on August 28th, 2009

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