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Changeling

Question:how long before they move back in?

i have friends who have seen their children move out and then move back in a few years later. it's tough out there!

Asked by Changeling on 4/30/08 3 Answers»
unversedmist

Answer:

I too thought that once they left home they would be ok and not return except on the holidays or special occasions. Not true. Our oldest daughter was in an abusive relationship with 3 children and they all moved back home, not once but twice in one year. They stayed a total of 1 1/2 years. And yes, they ran up the bills and there was always chaos in my house. My husband and I were at a point in our lives where we were trying to make some major changes with the house that we had bought,(the house that I grew up in) and that needed some desperate attention. So in the midst of remodeling, we had 4 more people move into our home. I love my family more than I can tell you, but I too had to be the one who had to deliver "tough love". It got to the point where the steps we thought we were taking forward in the house, were actually ending up taking backwards. We were working on totally gutting the kitchen area, and to top it off it was over the holiday season. So here we were with no kitchen, and 3 small ones, what a nightmare. There was no help with the wash, the dishes, the daily clean-up of the house, it was all my responsibility. I did kiss the boo-boos and played mother as well as mother, wife and grandmother. They have since found a very large apt. while they are looking for a house that is to their liking and that they can afford. I felt like the worst mother in the world when I finally told my daughter is it was time for them to seriously be looking for a place of their own. To make a long story short....they do love their new home, and I have my house back. But, let me tell you, going through empty nest syndrome a second time was the most difficult for me that first week. I have reclaimed my house and I love my new found privacy. They come over every day and our relationship is much stronger, even though I thought for sure they would think me an ogre. They have taken to flight and are doing very well, and I love them and miss them so much. I wasn't going to let my daughter know that she was right when she told me "you're going to be so lonely when we move out"....I was indeed very lonely, but I have picked up where I left off, with my own interests, and we are all doing just fine.

Answered by: unversedmist on 9/24/10
AngelNaphtalie

Answer:

Once they are out...They stay out!
I have six grown children, who are all out there on their own doing what ever. I used to feel sorry for them, if things didn't pan out for them, and would take them back in. Thinking that would help them get back on their feet. Well, it did help them, and they were on their feet, or maybe off their feet, messing up my house, eating my food, piling up dishes, along with their friends. Yes! I learned the hard way. I was enabling them to sponge off mom. Some got jobs, but I didn't see any help back, nor any food put in the fridge, from their ravishing appetites. Not to mention the huge light bills, and phone bills (before cell phones of course, whoops!...forgot they did run up those bills too, in my name of course), they wholly contributed too.
So, the mean ole mammy had to put down her high heel boots, and say 'Get out! Go get a job! Get your own place to live!' Then point them to the door, push them out, and tell them to step back before the door hits them. 'I will see you on the holidays, maybe your birthday. I'll even supply the cake. But living her with mom, can't help you to 'Grow UP'. Tough love!
I really love my kids, and their kids, and they all respect me now for pushing them out of the nest, maybe twice or so, can't remember.
After a certain age, they need to be out there discovering the world and all it has to over, or not over. Letting them back in, enables them to be unproductive, and underdeveloped in the responsiblitliy area.
I would mother over them, worry about them (still do), and always find a way to 'FIX' the boo-boo, so to speak. But it all had to stop.
I don't really close the door. I just push them to find their wings, to fly, to soar to heights un-imaginable.
Some got it, and have learned to fly, other's still sit on the ground, flapping their wings, trying to get into someone else's nest. Some are flying but have no landing gear, or don't know how to use them. Some think they are the only ones who know how to fly, but haven't flown anywhere far. Some have took off, in astounding bounds, and have flown to the top of the highest trees.
If they really need help, I do give it, but in advice only, as living examples that they can relate too. I do let them come in, to visit, and maybe take a nap, or use the 'Resting Depoist Area' as the bath room has been named by my sons. Do my grandmothering duties, with the little ones. But, when anyone asks if they can move in, that sets off the 'ALARMS'. Sorry, here's a bag of goodies, go by your sister, or brother, but theirs no room in the INN. If I don't do that, then they will never learn to make it on their own. Boys must grown into responsible mature working adults and partners. Girls must grow into strong independant young ladies and most likely mothers someday. I believe I set the ground work for them, up to a certain stage of their lives, and they have to use those keys to open doors of their own. They may fumble, and fall, but most will get back up, and dust off the dust, and climb back up the latter. If they fall too hard, you are allowed to lend them a hand to pull them up, but only for a few. Just always remember that there are others, and what is good for one, is good for all. Every situation is different, handle them with care and clear vision. Trust your heart, and your higher self. Tuffin' up your heart, but never stop loving them. They will be mad at first, may even forever, but someday you can stand proud that you helped them to stand on their own, tall and strong.
Be good to yourself, when they come knocking, say: 'Nice to see yah!..I was just leaving to catch a plane to 'Chill-lax Island'..talk to you when I get back. Give me a call later. Don't forget to close the gate behind you. Love you!'
Always say 'I love you" They hate it, but love it too.

Answered by: AngelNaphtalie on 5/21/08
oldgold

Answer:

It's tougher than it's been in decades, everyone needs help from time to time. I did not learn that from my Dad, he was a "You can find a helping hand at the end of your arm." kind of fellow, so when I found myself in need I thought "What the devil is wrong with me?" It was a real lesson in humility ( a modest sense of one's importance) when I asked my 21 year old son what he felt a fair contribution toward the rent would be, that I would appreciate his help. He did not like giving up things that he wanted and initially offered only a token contribution but we discussed it and in the end I believe that he truly felt good about helping. Self esteem comes from doing esteemable things

Answered by: oldgold on 5/16/08
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