Got a Tip?
Ditch the Cube…Get a Dorm Room
These days many a young professional dude, new student or semi-new college graduate, Millennial type, tween, about to enter the classroom or workplace…generally most twenty somethings are still trying to figure out their lives. Are you a member of this esteemed and clueless group? If so, to your chagrin, the “real world” or up and coming reality is composed of plummeting metabolism rates, less social interactions, decreased recouping abilities from a late night, increasing debt, tiny office cubicles, far too many responsibilities…and a change in your dating and sex habits.
What were you thinking when you left college utopia?
We have all seen the college t-shirts and posters featuring John Belushi’s Animal House character stating, “College. The best 4, 5, 6 years of your life!” The lesson remains the same: College is a state of mind. Be it…live it…embrace the time you have, become part of it again and its vast, vast landscape of coeds.
Alas, most of us cannot literally time travel or hold time still. Not without some serious medication that is. Yet, we can bypass the calamity filled quarter life crisis and grow up entirely with a college social life-affirming existence. It is all a matter of perspective. Don’t be a fool…STAY OR GO BACK TO SCHOOL!
Freshman, grads, alum, seniors…recapture your college sexual self, the same frivolous, frolicking and forever youthful dating world that you called home for however many years. Like a syllabus from times gone by, follow these 101 hints.
Oh…and if you’re a newbie on his way to college or you are still adjusting back into class after spring break, you too can use this list. Just look at it as present and future tense, what you can accomplish, nay should make happen in college and the inevitable life after graduation.
1. This renewal of your college self can also be very therapeutic: I always advise… Sometimes it takes waking up naked, floating on an easy chair in the apartment pool with an oversized cowboy hat and mega phone to start the healing process.
2. Just for the hell of it. Take a community college course to scam on the college girls…attend, sleep, bail early and skip often.
3. Even if you have a significant other, dating is like a campus dining hall mile long salad bar, that ex or current girlfriend of yours is like the sneeze guard. And you do not even like salad.
4. In college, 13 hours equals a "full" load...you’re or will be working 40+ now.
5. Endeavor to make the most of your sexual existence and then roll over to sleep for a little while longer.
6. Obfuscate yourself…go ahead look the word up…
7. Denial - What quarter-life crisis?
8. Text yourself daily: “risk management and office romances are for chumps!”
9. Start the weekend on Wednesday night as only true morally depraved boys do.
10. One word: Exhibitionism.
11. Whatever happens, don’t become a statistic. For instance: The college class of 2013 is 60% female. How does your eorld stack up with those figures?
12. Do I have to tell you to ditch the toxic relationship like a three credit hour lab?
13. In returning to college dark dating path, you will need accomplishes, take someone down with you.
14. Remember a bad morning usually means a good night. Embrace that 8 o’clock classes always will suck…now 8 o’clock meetings and conference calls both suck and blow.
15. The tech geeks, although will be better paid then you forever, were computer lab creatures, War Craft playing, pimpled faced tubs in college and they still deserve your disdain now…unless you are a techie. In that case, congratulations on choosing a major worth a damn and all that job security. Chicks dig fiscal success and geeks rule the world…but you have charm, clean skin and have actually kissed a girl.
16. Reacquaint yourself with the wisdom of Jimmy Buffet and Barry White.
17. Create a new X-Roomie File.
18. Dust off the “morning after” promise never to do "that" again. And make “that” something worth a trip to the confessional regardless if or if not you’re Catholic.
19. Bear in mind the answer to life is like a multiple choice exam. Chose E. All of the ladies above.
20. If it did not already precede you, acquire a bad reputation, uphold and nurture it.
21. Sexual harassment is just hazing in another form. You can still get busted, yet it’s just as much fun.
22. Ignore the advice. Eat the fruit in the party punch.
23. Wearing boxers in front of just about anyone is again acceptable attire.
24. Keep the dorm look everywhere you go. Buy some cheap dorm furniture or frequent campus dumpsters in May…also build a loft for your bed. Beats Pottery Barn and Bed, Bath and Beyond any day!
25. Have questionable motives for your actions, thoughts and beliefs…especially for the girls you flirt with.
26. Don’t repeat mistakes in judgment. If you are going to pass out, make sure the magic markers, cell phone cameras and video recorders are put away.
27. Shack often. For her it is no longer the walk of shame, but the strut of pride.
28. Having a tiny streak of self-destructiveness.
29. Man-scaping. Metrosexual might be on its way out, but you need to keep the body looking good with man-i-cures.
30. GPA 2.0 and go, kept you in school…work only just as hard as it takes NOT to get fired. Work on the lady craft only as much as it takes to get a second date or second base.
31. Hit college laundry mats. Where else can you see so many ladies handling their unmentionables.
32. In this renewal phase of your life…it is okay if 99% of the stuff you come up with to do for mischief is a misdemeanor…but try and stay clear of felonies.
33. Don’t rock the vote. Rock her world.
34. Acquire some clubbing night entrance ink stamps. Sport many of these temporary tattoos every morning on your hands and arms.
35. Your computer’s screen saver says a lot about you. Get fid of the Family Guy Peter Griffin one and replace with a black and white pic of Paris. Chicks have an integral instinct to love all things Paris.
36. Develop a case of senioritis…use as a sick day excuse on every Friday.
37. What office or classroom could not use the antics a fine super soaker can bring? And I do not have any sexual double entendre meaning for super soaker.
38. The most expensive piece of ass is a free ass. Think about…Look at your bills and taxes as if they were tuition fees. Computer facilities fee, health center fee, lab fee, general oxygen use fee, absorption of light fee, KY fee after the registrar screws you. But, do not put a price tag poo-nanny.
39. Sponsor a campus cause. Really, how many whales, gay Eskimos or rain forests can you promote, discriminate, save and/or abuse? Girls appreciate a man who cares. Or pretends to.
40. Do something everyday that you can be ashamed of tomorrow…keep a journal.
41. Do not “Parent proof” your place. Be yourself.
42. Dinero old school. Get some fast cash from selling books, DVDs, blood…semen?
43. Don’t option for a college graduation starter marriage. Don’t speed date. You are SO better than that!
44. Check “student” on the jury duty form.
45. Don’t become a D.I.N.K. - Double Income No Kids until your thirties.
46. Watch Food Network. Become the Iron Chef of the bedroom.
47. Think in terms of notches on the bed post.
48. Buy it, wear it…and then return it. She needs a well dressed dude.
49. Practice of the art of spring break, plagiarizing and road tripping.
50. Like your major…change jobs often…and change girls just as much.
51. Quit the Face Book fetish…go consume a Jell-O Shot every once in a while. On-line is for sexual release in the porn world, not for meeting real women like bambi_zilch123.
52. Use the copy machine for unintended purposes.
53. With every restaurant meal check…do not think it as a ticket to bedroom antics. After dessert, coffee and a night cap…then you might have a chance. And do not college calculate how many bean burritos or White Castles that kind of dough would have bought.
54. Do not climb the corporate ladder…take a turn on the slip & slide of life.
55. Watch Comedy Central, Nicktoons, & Cartoon Network religiously. But, when she is over hit We, O and E! And yes…even the lame, PG version of Sex and City re-runs must be given air time while you two couch cuddle.
56. Keep a standard gray keg trash can on the porch or turn upside down for a quick end table.
57. Take naps…lots of naps…with or without her.
58. Christmas lights are for all year long and to be on all night.
59. Texting. You might have developed fingers of Herculean strength and dexterity. Put them to good use! Hubba Hubba.
60. Hang out at Kinko's…the paper is due tomorrow and she is stressed. The little lady could use some beau with a nice smile.
61. Lower your standards on everything from dating and hygiene to food and the quality of booze.
62. Don’t ever come prepared.
63. Read and absorb gross amounts of information in short periods of time, regurgitate and then completely forget. But do not forget to call her after the one day waiting period.
64. Your car backseat should contain the following: dirty laundry, crumpled college test blue books, beer bottle caps, spiral notebook debris, a condom wrapper, Red Bull cans and fast food wrappers from at least two burger joints and a must have Taco Bell.
65. Break out or start anew the shot glass collection…sigh….good times.
66. Pick up a new or used vice that you know your parents will hate.
67. Avoid responsibility for your life…for the time being at least.
68. Eat off a cafeteria tray.
69. Times are tough. Use your old college ID for any and all student discounts and specials. But not when she is there on a date.
70. Ask to be carded.
71. Just don’t do it…no twittering.
72. Overuse of the saying “beer before liquor never been sicker.”
73. Write checks for less than five bucks.
74. Blog responsibly. Not everyone…well hardly anyone really cares what you think.
75. Only drink from stadium cups. But, you will need some fine looking wine glasses for those night caps.
76. Accept the wholesomeness of your dysfunctional life.
77. Reincorporate alcoholic drinks eliminated from your repertoire due to some bad experience.
78. Like at so many parties, relearn the skill of peeing outside…I do not know how this will help with your dating and sexual habits…just good to keep in practice.
79. Extend your second childhood or start a third.
80. Interject the phrase “real world” into most conversations – use the finger quotation marks.
81. Bum food, drinks and “borrow” anything not nailed down.
82. Float a keg.
83. Simplify. Too many man toys give the wrong signals.
84. Get a pizza delivery job near campus…meet new and hungry women.
85. Justify the margins on your TPS reports and in your life…and thereby making them more important or bigger than they really are. This works well on office chicas.
86. Get behind, forget everything and stay that way. Deadlines, time sheets, billable hours, treadmill, etc.
87. Put your soul up for sale on EBay.
88. Steal a street sign…place over your bed.
89. If you are a grad, just think of where you currently live as “off campus housing.” If you are still in school…your dorm room and/or the crap hole apartment, condo, loft, etc…they should be viewed as just your version of a cheap romantic getaway bed and breakfast.
90. Rekindle hatred of your alma mater’s arch rival…find a girl who attends there. Date and then dump!
91. If it cannot be delivered or micro-waved then don’t have anything to do with it.
92. Even if not needed and hopefully it is, return with some sort of birth control on your drug store runs.
93. Pranks – soap a fountain, toilet paper a house, crank call, duck tape someone…let your heart guide you.
94. Don’t bother with the whole looking for a normal life…just how the hell do you define normal anyway?
95. Just admit it. You have a thankless job or will soon have and you’ve also got a lot of college sexual Karma still to burn off.
96. Use corporate lessons for something useful. Develop your own sexual mission statement and paradigm down shift your way to a better, bolder and less giving a damn you.
97. Time for a decision. The chainsaw consultants in your office are becoming younger than you. The freshmen coeds are just too immature. Of course, so are all the yummy office college interns. Which would you rather hang out with?
98. Just think. Any of the above you accomplish becomes fodder for later in life time on the therapist’s couch.
99. On a side note…if you do all of this, you’ll probably get arrested at some point and that is a good thing.
100. Potential 401ks, mutual funds, your college bud’s wedding registries, the calories…are you chatting about these things on a daily basis? What happened to you man?
Answer to the above: You made a mistake – you grew up!
And the number 101 way to always have a college mindset…
Remember, college students have 130+ days of vacation – you will only get 10-15! Use them wisely.