oldgold

My first coping mechanism is to ignore it.
When I can no longer ignore it, or rationalize it away, I criticize the other person's behavior and list everyone who is being hurt by it. I have yet to hear, "By golly, you're right. Thanks for pointing that out to me."
Okay, if my sweetheart won't listen, I'll confront her boyfriend. It didn't take much to provoke him into throwing the first punch so I felt justified in punishing him. On the day of my acquittal the judge said, "You got away with it this time, Mr. D-, but you don't want to be in front of me again!"
The only thing that worked, for me, was, as V.B. pointed out, was patience and forgiveness, but that was impossible as long as I focussed on 'the wrong thing that she did' which needed to be forgiven.
I have no idea how it came to me, the thought that her behavior was caused by an undiagnosed brain tumor. Preposterous, aint it? People don't choose to have a brain tumor. But when I allowed myself to believe that, I experienced true compassion and a genuine feeling of peace.
Looking back on it I see that forgiveness was an unconscious act, it is a fruit of true love. When I am 'trying' to forgive... it goes like this; you've really hurt me, okay, I forgive, now will you come back and love me? The harder something is for me, the bigger reward I look for.
Suz, I am really glad that your question was at the head of the list today. I recently heard that my sweetheart is engaged. I've been trying real hard to pray for her happiness. I had forgotten that she has a brain tumor (take my advice,...I'm not using it). Thanks for the reminder. You are not alone in the struggle.

Oh, man, it's taken me about five minutes to stop.....I can't stop.....I saw your question at the top of the list and instantly burst out laughing, thinking, "Good luck" Oooh, deep breath, and exhale, ahhh.

Maybe that's the approach: DO NOT take them seriously, because if you do, it's like the old barbershop with mirrors on opposing walls , theoretical infinity, left right left right, it goes on forever just like these peoples' opinions. If you allow them inside your mind, even after they've departed something is left behind, rummaging around like a rodent among your thoughts for who knows how long, hours? days?

My brother clued me in to this technique about five years ago relating how he'd dealt with a dangerous 'road rage' incident- the DUMB BLANK STARE. The other driver didn't fall for it initially and pressed the attack and Joe felt his confidence waver, almost got out to defend himself, but managed to stick with it and the aggressor turned and walked off.

Once your vacant gaze has halted the attack, you might regain momentum by asking, "Do you remember when... " and relate a scene from your favorite movie. Ms. Opinion may slightly recoil thinking you're a little balmy or be drawn right in to following your lead.

Good luck!

I'm surprised no one has answered.
We were married 20 yrs, estranged 3, divorced 9, and for the past 5 yrs are again living together because she needed help with the youngest (then 16, boy). We are still like oil and water (better than gasoline and flame) but now we share a quiet and mostly unspoken mutual respect.

Our marriage was an attachment of many expectations, largely frustrated, which are absent today (unless I'm overtired and cranky) We choose to be together because it benefits our children and grandchildren, and we both find contentment in that.

And we're not having sex, which may be the key to our co-operation, actually...

Conversation initiated by her about six months before leaving:
"I need sex every day and if I don't get it from you I'll get it from somebody else."[I did not recognize the fair warning]
"If you're gonna get it from somebody else you're gonna have to ask [I was wrong on that count] and if you're gonna ask anybody, ask me."
"I'm not gonna ask you and get rejected."
"I don't reject you. You reject me."

Beyond the obvious shortcomings of our communication technique, which always seemed to be based on a 'you vs. me' template, one could see within all those words the simple message, "I'm afraid."
"Does he still think I'm beautiful?"
"Do I really satisfy her?"
We didn't ask each other those questions. Well, she asked me but I did not realize the depth of her doubt so my simple "Yes." was not at all reassuring and I can tell you that I certainly did not ask her, I just made assumptions, probably about as accurate as 'she'd have to ask...'
Maybe the real reason we get along better now is that, having tried the alternative we discovered that, for us, it really IS better to find a way to 'stay together for the sake of the kids."

But what about YOU? Come on, now, I'm not the only one with a former spouse, am I?

The school referred my son to therapy when he was in first grade, his mother left when he was 4 1/2. The psychiatrist was a young fellow in his residency at New York Hospital. As far as I know, all they did was play games ("establishing a relationship") and the shrink let JP cheat and win. In June the shrink moved on and in September I decided that JP had better things to do with his time than establish another short term relationship. I once asked him (he was about 9) if he thought it helped. "Nah.". When he was 19 he said, "Dad, it was you who made the difference."[sigh, and a tear for every happy thought, many of them].
The kid went everywhere with me and one night a friend was driving us home, I ducked into a deli to get milk and when I came out, the two of them (JP was about 6 or 7, my friend, 35) were sitting in the car crying. My buddy had said, "I was your age when my dad left and I thought that it was my fault." My son felt the same way.

And the truth is, he dealt with it better than I. One evening I picked him up at afterschool and he asked, "What if Mom just keeps drinking, until she dies?" John, only God sees the future, all we can do is pray. Two, three seconds, he says, "Do you want chinese or italian for dinner?" He didn't seem to cling to the pain and dwell in it like I did. Taking care of him left me little time, and no energy, for harassing 'them' like I thought they deserved.

It was the best thing that ever happened to me. We'd alternate leading bedtime prayers and after the routine ones we had a list of people we'd pray for. One night he changed the order of the list. Good, John, but we pray for our family first and then our friends. "Why?" Because we love our family more than our friends. "No! We love everyone just the same, right?" It was the best thing...and worth every bit of what it cost.

It's a raw deal, Kacey, and incredibly difficult, but you are the one, the anchor and the springboard for that little angel.

PS: I heard a lot of opinions about whether or not it was 'healthy' for me to let him sleep with me. We'd read, lights out, pray, I'd sing and rub his back, and if I did not fall asleep right after him, he'd come and find me in the middle of the night. He knew when he was ready to sleep alone, or rather, in his own room (@6) and he did, as natural as can be.

Absolutely not! Some of my best memories were hanging out at the basketball court and sitting around talking with friends after it got too dark to play.
Your children are probably safer at the park around the corner than riding in an automobile.

read The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, for starters, and get a spiral notebook (I prefer wide ruled) and make time every day to write down your feelings. Any situation is easier to comprehend looking at it on a piece of paper than peering into the infinity of your heart. In three months, read back over it, and again in another three, and another three, and...
Life is an exercise in love, become a student of it.

Snif, the radio works, YES! Einstein said life is in the details. It's not the climb up the mountain that gets me, it's the pebble in my shoe.
You already have the key in your pocket, living in the present moment (with the accent on 'present', as in gift). A baseball coach taught me, when I'm in the moment I see the ball better.
Before I got a car (w/o radio) I had to ride a bike everywhere and there was one big hill that, it was just a question of how far I'd get before dismounting to walk.....until the day that, for whatever reason, I found myself pedaling and looking down at the road directly in front of my tire, instead of at the crest of the hill, and before I knew it I was at the top.
Something happens, I don't like it so I toss it in the 'bad' box, but THIS I like, so it goes in the 'good' box. So, if I'm the one who chooses, why is the 'bad' box so full??
I did some stuff back in the '60's and as a result, my liver is much older than the rest of me. The only treatment would probably lay me up for the better part of I year. I can't afford that so, at a Dr.'s suggestion I am watching as many funny movies as I can find, listening to old Bob and Ray recordings (free, on-line) and trust the Great Physician to heal me. Solomon said laughter is medicine to the bones.
Finally, a dear friend once told me, "The angels who attend the throne of God long to be human". How could they? They've got it all, they're with God. They don't have bodies. They do not possess the gift of human touch. Try massaging your husband's head for 3 minutes. I'll bet you will feel better (as long as you keep your mind connected to your hands).