Desire Discrepancy

In many cases, people who want to improve their sex lives are often looking for a stronger emotional connection during sex, as opposed to more sex. This can lead to a “desire discrepancy,” where there is an imbalance in the level of desire between partners.

“To the spouse [or partner] wanting more physical closeness, it’s a lot more than just sex. It’s about feeling wanted, it’s about feeling close, it’s about feeling appreciated and it’s about feeling loved,” says Michele Weiner-Davis, relationship expert and author of The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple’s Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido. “When this major disconnect happens, what also happens is a falling away of friendship. They stop sitting next to each other on the couch and they stop holding each other’s hands.” This often results in feelings of rejection and anger in the relationship.

In order to prevent these emotions from taking control of your sex life and your relationship, there needs to be “mutual caretaking,” as Weiner-Davis describes it. Once you know what your partner wants and needs, make sure to meet those needs. Make an effort to give your partner exactly what he or she wants in the way he or she wants it.

Remember that by taking this step, you’re working toward avoiding a desire discrepancy in your relationship. With every action you take, think about how you can make your partner happy.