"I am going to buy your book today and sign up for your change tips. Thank you for your help." -Jana
Read More Testimonials»

Our Improving Relationships Experts

Brenda Della Casa

Brenda Della Casa

Internationally published author of Cinderella Was a Liar...

Shared by First30Days View Profile»
Sue Blaney

Sue Blaney

Communications expert; empowers parents of teenagers

Shared by First30Days View Profile»
Gay Hendricks

Gay Hendricks

Founder of The Hendricks Institute

Shared by First30Days View Profile»

Meet all of our Relationships Experts»

Got a Question?

Q&A

If you have questions about this change, you're in the right place. Our editors, experts, and community of change optimists have answers!

eltacka

Question:If your significant other is talking to another woman through the internet and she lives far away is that still cheating? and by the way the messages were intimate he did say "I Love You" to her but claims he doesn't and that it wasnt cheating.

My fiance had been talking to a woman through you-tube on the internet, I found out because one day he left for work and forgot to shut down his computer and I seen and read an e-mail he had sent her and i was very upset about it. we have talked about it and he says it was nothing, that they were just friends but I feel like he's lying, what he doesnt know is that I am talking to the "other" woman now and we have become friends. She has sent me more e-mails that he sent her and they all say "Ilove You and he tells her that she is his soul mate, i just want the truth from him and want him to know that it is still cheating, so in case I am wrong I would like to know if you think it's cheating?
Heres a copy of one message;

Sorry I just can't stand the sight of myself just sitting there, It made me seem vain, not to mention having a video of that kind on my channel. Thanks for the comment though, Its aways nice to recieve compliments from such a beautiful,intelligent,talented, and passionate, always charming, amazingly sexy woman such as yourself and even if you didn't have such beautiful,warm, glowing skin and soft red lips like the pedals of the rose, and your dark eyes that can hold the sparkle of the universe within them, and weren't bulit like the greek goddess that you are, I would still watch your videos just to hear the angelic sounds of your voice. Lee you are an absolute doll and there will always be a place in my heart for you.

Love & Lee Forever
Lexx xoxox

Asked by eltacka on 12/10/08 6 Answers»
Brenda Della Casa

Answer:

Excuse me, Eltacka and not MJ.

Answered by: Brenda Della Casa on 12/18/08
Brenda Della Casa

Answer:

Dear MJ,

First, I want to let you know how deeply sorry I am for the shock and pain you are likely dealing with. Emotional infidelity is as painful, devestating and confusing as its physical sister and your partner has absolutely been unfaithful. He knows it, she knows it and it seems you know it as well. Having a strong desire for him to "admit" to it is not uncommon. You want accountability and enough respect for him to look you in the eye and admit that what he has done was wrong and the more he plays it off, the more hurt he causes.

I get it.

Infidelity hurts everyone involved most of the time and the betrayed partner all of the time. There are many couples who have worked through infidelity and many men and women who have ended their relationships because of it. Neither choice is easy and no one has the right to judge you for doing either. That said, in order for you to even have a fighting chance at working through this, several things need to happen.

1. He must cease all contact with the other woman and I would highly suggest you do the same. The two of you will need to write a No Contact letter and stick to it.

2. He must recognize what he has done and the damage it has done to you and this relationship.

3. Counseling would be a good idea. Make sure your counselor has significant experience with infidelity.

4. The book, "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass would be a good book to read together.

But before all of this happens, you must recognize what you have in front of you. He has written emails that are deeply innappropriate to this other woman. Regardless of whether or not he admits to it, you know he has cheated emotionally because you are looking at the emails. Friends do not speak to one another that way and if he would not send these emails with you CC'd, it's wrong.

If you choose to stay with him and he is willing to do the work, be completely open and honest with you, give you all of his passwords and IM accounts and do what you need for him to do to rebuild trust, I would still put off even thinking about marriage for at least a year and a half.

If he is unwilling to do the work, cease contact or admit that sending another woman emails like the one you posted, saying "I love you" and otherwise bringing a third party into your relationship, you have a choice to make. I hope that choice would be to let him sit in his deceitful web while you find someone who is worthy of your love.

Brenda Della Casa
Author, Cinderella Was a Liar
Link
Link


Answered by: Brenda Della Casa on 12/18/08
MJ Acharya

Answer:

Dear eltacka,

I'm sorry to hear that you are dealing with the prospect of cheating when you're not even married yet!

Virtual cheating is being cited in more and more divorce cases, according to some research I've done online. It seems that it can be considered cheating by some because your partner is diverting attention from your relationship to another relationship. In your case, at the very least, he has committed emotional cheating, as he's telling her that he loves her and it is actively hurting your feelings...so much so that you've joined an online community to figure out if what you're feeling is valid.

You're not currently married to this man and since you've already tried to speak with him about the situation, getting an unsatisfactory response, you should consider either talking it out again, or leaving the situation altogether. Marriage is forever and the act of getting married more than likely won't change his behavior if he truly believes that he has not done anything wrong.

Ask yourself - do you really want to spend the next 50 or so years of your life snooping online to ensure that he has ceased this virtual cheating?

Again, people are actually seeking divorce because of this trend. Your feelings are completely valid. You need to decide - before you entire into a marriage - that this is something you can put up with if he refuses to recognize and do everything he can to understand your feelings and stop this hurtful behavior. You're going to be his wife. He should do everything he can to ensure your happiness (and vice versa).

Weigh the pros and cons and know that your decision is going to affect the rest of your life. Take this decision very seriously.

Feel better,
MJ
brokenheartedgirl.com

Answered by: MJ Acharya on 12/18/08
springshine

Answer:

Who knows what makes people stray and forget their commitments like this. I agree with newmeby09 that you have to decide what you can tolerate. Maybe it's harmless, maybe he just has a huge ego or he doesn't see anything wrong in this because it's through the computer.

The lying and deception are hard to take. If he fessed up and admitted to being a jerk it might be easier to get past it.

Answered by: springshine on 12/12/08
alegria

Answer:

NEXT!

Answered by: alegria on 12/11/08
newmeby09

Answer:

That's definately cheating in my book... often affairs of the heart cross the line more than a physical relationship does... IMHO. I've recently been through a similar situation... I found my man had been communicating via email with a girl in Russia. He had just gotten back from Dubai... and in his email he said he wished they could have met up while he was in Dubai. They exchanged pictures and who knows what else.

I was devastated even though he says it was all talk and nothing more and that he didn't mean anything by it.
He totally thinks he did nothing wrong... but I am having a very hard time getting over it. I do not trust him now, especially because he travels alot and who knows what he's doing when he's on the road? We have children together and if we didn't I would have told him to hit the road. There have been other red flags and incidents, so I still might.

Of course you have to decide what's best for you to do based on your situation... but maybe you should reevaluate if this is the kind of person you really want to spend your life with. If he thinks he's done nothing wrong then he is likely to continue behaviors like this. So you have to decide if this is something you are willing to deal with in the future.

Answered by: newmeby09 on 12/11/08
Got an Answer?