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Indrawati27

Question:My fiance and I have been engaged for almost 2 years and we'll soon get married. The catch is that my father is ignoring my fiance's calls to ask for hand in marriage. Is it still acceptable to plan for a wedding when my father hasn't approved?

After my boyfriend asked me by myself, I decided to tell my parents. However, they were surprised. My father turned down every man-to-man invitation made by my fiance; probably a handful. So, that lead my fiance to stop asking. Now if were together out somewhere (my parents and fiance), it is just assumed that the engagement is "okay". However, no real acceptance by my father was ever really made. My mother acknowledged "our love", but doesn't accept wedding planning as she never had a wedding herself. See how complicated this is getting?

Asked by Indrawati27 on 11/30/08 5 Answers»
Brenda Della Casa

Answer:

Indrawati,

I think you and your fiance have shown your father great respect in attempting to involve him in one of the most exciting and important moments of your life. That said, like all gifts of love, respect and material value, it is up to the recipient to accept them with grace and gratitude.

The only way to truly know what your father is feeling is to ask him but whatever reason he has been less than respectful of you both by not answering the calls or acknowledging the invitation. The question you might want to ask is why? Has your fiance hurt your father's feelings in some way? Is your father struggling with the idea of his little girl getting married? Is this briging up feelings about his own marriage?

Your wedding is on if you want it to be and I hope you and your fiance will seperate yourselves from this situation enough to sit back and enjoy this special time. Engagements are a time for celebration for the couple but also a time for reflection for those surrounding the couple. iIt is not uncommon for projections to fly and feelings to be hurt.

I would suggest that you meet with your father alone and discuss what is going on. Reach out and tell him you love him and want him to be involved but also worry that there is something preventing him from sharing in your joy. Allow him to say what he wants to say without attacking him and then express how you feel in a calm and respectful way.

In the end, you need to make the decision that you feel is best regarding your own life.

Good Luck,

Brenda Della Casa
Author, Cinderella Was a Liar
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Answered by: Brenda Della Casa on 12/18/08
Indrawati27

Answer:

Thank you for the answers. I think have to take responsbility for this issue, too. I know I can't change people, only myself. One issue that plays into the whole is me becoming my own person and not having complete independence yet, and still talking about marriage. Ladies thank you so much for your advice. When my chips fall into place, I'll take on the advice to keep my relationships in tact. God bless!

Answered by: Indrawati27 on 12/7/08
marah2448

Answer:

The answer is "Yes You Can". Just because your father is avoiding your fiance phone call pemission for marriage is not a great reason to put your life on hold. Your father is just probably afraid to loose you as his daughter. Do not allow friends and family dictate or stall you from marrying someone who want to commit and love you.

Answered by: marah2448 on 12/4/08
aliciak

Answer:

Why do you think your dad is not accepting of your fiance?

Answered by: aliciak on 12/2/08
LMAYO9

Answer:

If your dad isn't really big into weddings, he may not realize that his permission is important to you and your fiance. Have you had a one-on-one conversation with your father about it? Maybe your dad has some anxiety about having that conversation, because it means you are growing up! There could be many reasons why he is reluctant to talk to your fiance. You might want to ask him directly to try to clear things up.

I can understand your situation, because my father and I didn't talk for years before I got married, all because he wasn't thrilled with my husband's race. In my situation, I had to sit both my parents down (after dealing with it for about 9 years) and told them that I loved my boyfriend, we wanted to get married and they had to deal with it or I wouldn't be able to come visit anymore. It was bold, but it worked. Maybe it was time that helped the situation. But because it was on our own terms, my hubs didn't ask for my parents hand in marriage (it just wasn't important in our family) and we paid for a small wedding on our own. We weren't beholden to anyone about how big or small it was, or what dress I wanted to wear, or what my "colors" were going to be. And my mom was the same...my parents had a justice of the peace type wedding with just two guests, so a wedding with even 20 guests was a foreign concept to them.

And is there anything wrong with your mom not wanting to be involved in the wedding planning? If there's certain aspects you want her to have a role in, you should probably explain to her why it's important to you. But otherwise, take it as a blessing. There's so many stories you hear of mothers who take over wedding planning and turn into momzillas! At least she's giving you some freedom.

This might be bizarre advice, especially since I had such a different wedding, but I hope this helps because it sounds like you're in a very similar situation.

Answered by: LMAYO9 on 12/1/08
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