Your husband sounds a lot like mine did, except for the cheating. We've been married 14 years now, and have 3 kids (2 girls and a boy). My husband liked to hang out with his divorced cousins. He wouldn't come home for work, and he would stay out all night long sometimes he would come in until noon the next day. I'd try talking to him about it, but it seemed like the more I'd talk to him the worse he got, and the more we fought. I left him several times but I always came back. He also made me feel like I was the bad guy, and he never did anything wrong. Yes, I did it all too--got the kids up & dressed, took them to school or daycare, went to work, picked them up, went home, cleaned, and cooked. I thought so many times about divorcing him. I know what you are going thru so my advice to you is (1) You need to start doing for yourself & your kids-I know it is not easy @ first, but it becomes easier with time. (2) Go out with your friends not his-Do your best to have a good time, and (3) The most imporant--You need to figure out is this what you want for yourself and your boys. Think about this--he cheated--Can you trust him again? As the saying goes He cheated once he will do it again. If my husband would have cheated on me there would have been no questions I would have left. It has taken us 12 years and moving 30 miles from his cousins to get our marriage together. Thinking back I should have left and stayed gone, but today I'm glade I don't. Don't get me wrong he still drinks, but he is @ home, and not near as much as he did. Now my question to you is after 13 years of being with this man, Do you want to live like this? Do you want to put your children thru that? If I had to do it all over again I would not have stayed with him for my sake or for my kids sake. Even if I knew that years later that we would be were we are today I would not have put me thru it nor would I have put my kids thru it. And this is what you need to figure out yourself. No one can tell you what to do. If your are not happy them babies are not happy so you need to think about what will make you happy (not him) and do it. He already knows that he can go out with his friends, do what ever he wants to, knows that his kids are being taking care of, and still come home to you--no matter what he does. Now if you decide to leave him-please don't do what I did and only stay gone for 1 or 2 days--stay gone for how ever long it takes no matter how much he begs you to come back. If he truely loves you and wants to make the marriage work than you have to give yourself and him time to work thing out between yall. If you go back to soon then he will think "Oh she left me but she came back, and I can still do what I want because she will always come back, all I have to do is beg and sweet talk her". See that was my mistake. and Yes each time I left and came back even thou he promise things would change-it never did. Until I told him that the kids and I were moving with or without him and I started packing all of our stuff. You will have to stand your ground and not back down. Please keep me in formed. Because like I said I know what you are going thru, and it is really tuff. My e-mail address is rema20061@yahoo.com if you just need to talk.

I am sorry to hear about how your husband is right now. Your husband sounds like an alcoholic to me. I never did what he is doing to you and your kids but I did do other selfish things when I was drinking and I do not believe that being too drunk is ever an excuse to cheat. I was too drunk many times (many years ago) and managed to keep at least that much integrity by not cheating. I would suggest you try Alanon if you intend to stay and maybe get him to go to marriage counseling. I personally would not stay with someone who cheated on me. Life is too short to waste with someone who really does not care about you or your feelings, and no one deserves to be cheated on. My Dad cheated on my Mom and they were divorced when I was 16. I did not speak to my Dad for 12 years for that and I only in the past 5 years have forgiven him. I hope you gain the courage to change things for you and your kid's sake. Regards, Lance

"When is enough, enough?"

Enough is when you feel you like you as if have drowned in a deep sea. And you know you are a conquerer of other things you conquer this is just a little tougher and I can move on a little further with a little effort. I went through it in a relationship I was in I wasn't married but it felt like it after I decided to move on I felt like I can accomplish anything after that I put my mind to. This was a real eye opener for me it more doors that I couldn't imagine. Also talking to someone you feel you can trust will help you through this difficult time. Good Luck!

The truth is, it's already been ENOUGH. Like the frog in the pot of water...it starts boiling so slow by the time it's scalding hot he doesn't really notice. You, like me, probably have no life because your whole life is just cleaning up after him, worring about where he is and what he's doing. And why should he change? It's worked for him all these years. He can neglect you and the kids and you're sitting there waiting for him when he gets home. It's not costing him anything. It is, however, costing you your whole life and probably your children's. I know money's a huge factor but there's plenty of help for a single mom. I did it for a lot of years. You have to take the focus off of him and instead of saying when will i finally get tired of being abused, say what do I WANT TO DO WITH THE LIFE GOD GAVE ME! It's a gift. God gave your life to you to have and enjoy. Start saying I choose not to do this anymore. You absolutely don't need his permission to have the life that you want. I believe in marriage but sometimes there's a time to say I won't be your door mat anymore. I'm worth way too much for that! You're also teaching your children that this is all you're worth. Your boys will treat women like their dad does and your girls will get a man that treats them bad...just like dad! Please do it for your children.

Sounds very codapendent ,,, Look up CoDA on net and check out a few meetings,,, this may help

I have been married 31 years to a wonderful man, and an excellent example to his sons.. how ever we ended up with a son who sounds like he might be your husband. To a tee !! His wife decided if he was having so much fun and went out and cheated on him (this he had not done). That's how I knew he wasn't you husband. They had an awful divorce and a nasty custody battle. He hit rock bottom (which i understand is what needs to happen).. Today he is in college, on the Dean's list, enjoys 50% custody of his children. He still hangs out with his old friends from time to time. He has given up most of the drinking. We (his parents) had to let him go to the bottom and this was tuff for us.. both parents being savors. So it boils down to this.. If you love it - let it go. If it's right and it's yours it will come back.
Always keep in mind that your torment is our mentor. Listen and learn. Good luck.

Hi. I am sorry to hear of your difficult time. I don't know if you feel your husband is an alcoholic, but perhaps a family intervention or a close relative of his can talk to him about AA and the benefits of going and quitting drinking for you and his children. Maybe you can go to Al-Anon as well. You can also suggest couples counseling to him. I was in a two year relationship with a substance abuser and it wasn't until I was sick for six weeks that I prayed to have this relationship taken away from me. I didn't know how or when it was going to end. I was even continuing with wedding plans. One day something happened, I knew in my gut that this wasn't right and he was out ten days later. It has been extremely difficult and painful but the relief and new joys and fulfillment that have come into my life are endless. I can give a lot of credit to this website and the book. There are still some difficult days but nothing compared to the uncertainty and fear I experienced in that relationship. Do not be hard on yourself. Also, try to determine what are your deal breakers. For me it was lying, infidelity, physical abuse. After two years in this relationship I still wasn't being treated with respect. There wasn't any communication. I realized if we didn't have it by now, we weren't going to get it. I also realized, and this was very difficult, that I didn't love myself, had low self-esteem and confidence. My friend said I had a spirit of insecurity. I tolerated too much emotional abuse as a result of this as well. As giving, empathetic and compassionate as I was, I didn't display these emotions to myself and he saw this and continued to disrespect me because I didn't respect myself. I think this can happen in any relationship. I have experienced this with friends as well. Oh, and yes, I was always the complainer and bad girl. The thing is, I was unhappy with myself in some areas, but also unhappy with who he was. Who he was is the same person I met two years in the beginning of the relationship. He was happy with himself but I wasn't. I started to make changes with myself and my situation became clearer and my tolerance was obliterated and forced me to see that reality of the situation. A quote I read on the internet from a magazine said something like if you have to talk around about your relationship you're not really in one and if you can't talk to the person you're in a relationship with, you don't have one (something like that). That hurt like hell but it described the last two years of my life completely. I also read something about substance abusers / alcoholics (please know that I am not saying your husband is either of these)that they are just synonymous with liers. Anything that comes out of their mouths you can guarantee will be a lie. It's just the nature of their way of life. This does not mean you stop caring but it may mean to let go. I hope this was helpful. I wish you well, peace and prayers.