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lost_unsure

Question:When is enough, enough?

My husband have been married for 4 years but together 9. We have 2 children (boys 3 and 1). He is a drinker. Likes to party with his younger friends, who don't have girlfriends and other responsibilities. He drinks and plays texas holdem every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Sometimes not coming home till late morning the next day. He has cheated in the past but blamed being too drunk to know. I choose not to go and drink. Recently I tried to have a fun evening with friends and it ended in a gripping, crying session with friends and some strangers. My husband was only mad cuz he said I made him look bad in front of his friends. He doesn't help out at home, I get up early get both kids ready and take them to daycare and all he has to worry about is his self. I am just looking for some guidance and suggestions. He honestly makes me feel like the complainer and the bad guy

Asked by lost_unsure on 6/4/08 8 Answers»
soplain

Answer:

Read "Women Who Love To Much" it will really benefit you.

Answered by: soplain on 2/4/09
ritahawkins

Answer:

My last message was about the death you have expierienced, now about your husband. May I suggest some marriage counsealing? Either that or sit down with someone you care about and him and tell him how you are feeling. The drinking should be ok, as long as he is not a violent person, but he needs to understand that he has helped bring these kids into the world and now needs to help raise them.

Answered by: ritahawkins on 12/20/08
ritahawkins

Answer:

Sweety, I know it is hard and I am going through it to, but try to take time out for a while and send her some messages, no not litterally, but your mom loved you and probably loved God, so talk to her by making a private folder and just telling her how you feel. At first you will cry, it is natural, but trust me it helps all and all. I am doing it as well and everytime at first I would break down, but then I would continue to type and it makes you feel as if you have gotten so much of your chest. Remember God will never put you through more than you can handle and remember through the hard time he carries you. As a sister through christ I love you and if you ever need to talk about anything email me at ritahawkins@rocketmail.com.

Answered by: ritahawkins on 12/20/08
rema20061

Answer:

Your husband sounds a lot like mine did, except for the cheating. We've been married 14 years now, and have 3 kids (2 girls and a boy). My husband liked to hang out with his divorced cousins. He wouldn't come home for work, and he would stay out all night long sometimes he would come in until noon the next day. I'd try talking to him about it, but it seemed like the more I'd talk to him the worse he got, and the more we fought. I left him several times but I always came back. He also made me feel like I was the bad guy, and he never did anything wrong. Yes, I did it all too--got the kids up & dressed, took them to school or daycare, went to work, picked them up, went home, cleaned, and cooked. I thought so many times about divorcing him. I know what you are going thru so my advice to you is (1) You need to start doing for yourself & your kids-I know it is not easy @ first, but it becomes easier with time. (2) Go out with your friends not his-Do your best to have a good time, and (3) The most imporant--You need to figure out is this what you want for yourself and your boys. Think about this--he cheated--Can you trust him again? As the saying goes He cheated once he will do it again. If my husband would have cheated on me there would have been no questions I would have left. It has taken us 12 years and moving 30 miles from his cousins to get our marriage together. Thinking back I should have left and stayed gone, but today I'm glade I don't. Don't get me wrong he still drinks, but he is @ home, and not near as much as he did. Now my question to you is after 13 years of being with this man, Do you want to live like this? Do you want to put your children thru that? If I had to do it all over again I would not have stayed with him for my sake or for my kids sake. Even if I knew that years later that we would be were we are today I would not have put me thru it nor would I have put my kids thru it. And this is what you need to figure out yourself. No one can tell you what to do. If your are not happy them babies are not happy so you need to think about what will make you happy (not him) and do it. He already knows that he can go out with his friends, do what ever he wants to, knows that his kids are being taking care of, and still come home to you--no matter what he does. Now if you decide to leave him-please don't do what I did and only stay gone for 1 or 2 days--stay gone for how ever long it takes no matter how much he begs you to come back. If he truely loves you and wants to make the marriage work than you have to give yourself and him time to work thing out between yall. If you go back to soon then he will think "Oh she left me but she came back, and I can still do what I want because she will always come back, all I have to do is beg and sweet talk her". See that was my mistake. and Yes each time I left and came back even thou he promise things would change-it never did. Until I told him that the kids and I were moving with or without him and I started packing all of our stuff. You will have to stand your ground and not back down. Please keep me in formed. Because like I said I know what you are going thru, and it is really tuff. My e-mail address is rema20061@yahoo.com if you just need to talk.


Answered by: rema20061 on 6/25/08
lancecamper

Answer:

I am sorry to hear about how your husband is right now. Your husband sounds like an alcoholic to me. I never did what he is doing to you and your kids but I did do other selfish things when I was drinking and I do not believe that being too drunk is ever an excuse to cheat. I was too drunk many times (many years ago) and managed to keep at least that much integrity by not cheating. I would suggest you try Alanon if you intend to stay and maybe get him to go to marriage counseling. I personally would not stay with someone who cheated on me. Life is too short to waste with someone who really does not care about you or your feelings, and no one deserves to be cheated on. My Dad cheated on my Mom and they were divorced when I was 16. I did not speak to my Dad for 12 years for that and I only in the past 5 years have forgiven him. I hope you gain the courage to change things for you and your kid's sake. Regards, Lance

Answered by: lancecamper on 6/11/08
sandragrace13

Answer:

The truth is, it's already been ENOUGH. Like the frog in the pot of water...it starts boiling so slow by the time it's scalding hot he doesn't really notice. You, like me, probably have no life because your whole life is just cleaning up after him, worring about where he is and what he's doing. And why should he change? It's worked for him all these years. He can neglect you and the kids and you're sitting there waiting for him when he gets home. It's not costing him anything. It is, however, costing you your whole life and probably your children's. I know money's a huge factor but there's plenty of help for a single mom. I did it for a lot of years. You have to take the focus off of him and instead of saying when will i finally get tired of being abused, say what do I WANT TO DO WITH THE LIFE GOD GAVE ME! It's a gift. God gave your life to you to have and enjoy. Start saying I choose not to do this anymore. You absolutely don't need his permission to have the life that you want. I believe in marriage but sometimes there's a time to say I won't be your door mat anymore. I'm worth way too much for that! You're also teaching your children that this is all you're worth. Your boys will treat women like their dad does and your girls will get a man that treats them bad...just like dad! Please do it for your children.

Answered by: sandragrace13 on 6/9/08
Obwankanobe

Answer:

I have been married 31 years to a wonderful man, and an excellent example to his sons.. how ever we ended up with a son who sounds like he might be your husband. To a tee !! His wife decided if he was having so much fun and went out and cheated on him (this he had not done). That's how I knew he wasn't you husband. They had an awful divorce and a nasty custody battle. He hit rock bottom (which i understand is what needs to happen).. Today he is in college, on the Dean's list, enjoys 50% custody of his children. He still hangs out with his old friends from time to time. He has given up most of the drinking. We (his parents) had to let him go to the bottom and this was tuff for us.. both parents being savors. So it boils down to this.. If you love it - let it go. If it's right and it's yours it will come back.
Always keep in mind that your torment is our mentor. Listen and learn. Good luck.

Answered by: Obwankanobe on 6/9/08
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