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2ABETTERME

Question:How to find happiness after an affair?

7 months ago I discovered that my husband of 15 years had been having an affair with a coworkers wife for 3 months. We are still together and he is trying to get my forgiveness, love & trust back. While he is working on the realtionship and trying to make things better I am having trouble letting it go. I don't know from one day to the next if I should stay or go. I don't know if I will ever be able to fully forgive and not let it effect me this way. Day to day I am happy then sad. I can no longer take the sadness and pain. I was a very happy go lucky person before this and I feel like it has forever changed me. How do I find me again? Can I find us again?

Asked by 2ABETTERME on 1/29/09 4 Answers»
Brenda Della Casa

Answer:

I would like to add that you might like to think about individual counseling as well as marital counseling and ways in which you can create your own "safe space" where you can nurture and love yourself. Take a look at the pieces I wrote on the subject and please do feel free to email me at Cinderellawasaliar@gmail.com

Answered by: Brenda Della Casa on 2/26/09
Brenda Della Casa

Answer:

Dear 2ABetter Me,

When a partner we love, respect and trust places our emotional, physical and emotional health at risk by going outside of our relationship, it can feel as though a stone ceiling has crumbled upon us without warning. It’s not uncommon for those who have been betrayed to ride a roller-coaster of emotion which range from depression and sadness to rage and calm. You may experience a dozen emotions in a day and that is OK. You have been betrayed and have had your understanding of reality ripped out from under you. You likely feel as though you are “forever changed” and that is because you are but that doesn’t mean you are forever changed for the worse. The truth is, as painful and downright devastating as betrayal is, life will go on and parts of it will be beautiful. Only you know what you feel is right for you in terms of your marriage. There are some couples who work together and find their marriage is stronger and happier in the years after an infidelity and others who find it was a nail in the coffin. Regardless of what you decide, you are still the bright, beautiful, wonderful woman you have always been and you are not defined by your husband’s infidelity. His having an affair is not about what you lacked, what the other woman had or what you did-or didn’t-do. It was about the more broken parts of him.
I know there are many experts who will say that an affair is the fault of both parties but I am not one of them. I have seen plenty of very decent, loving, sexy, fun, supportive, smart, successful men and women get blindsided by a selfish, broken mate who cheated not because of their spouse or their relationship but because of their own shortcomings. I am not saying that all marriages or spouses of cheaters are perfect but a decision to bring a third party into the bedroom is a choice that doesn’t have to be made and rarely works to salvage an unhappy marriage.


I have written a couple of articles that I think you might find helpful. The first is a piece about forgiving a partner after a betrayal

Link

And the second highlights 8 things we should all know about cheating

Link

I want to wish you the very best of luck, whatever you do.
Brenda Della Casa
Author, Cinderella Was a Liar and Walking Barefoot
Link

Answered by: Brenda Della Casa on 2/26/09
nakibajo

Answer:

Dear 2 ABETTERME:

First of all I am sorry to read your sad note. I hope that you are in better spirits now that I coming in on the tail note of your letter in February. I just wanted to share my opinion no advice if I can briefly put myself in my shoes.. please allow me. Infidelity is a serious issue and I would need re evaluate completely everything inclluding the marriage. I find that seeking help for yourself first is helpful. Only after strengthening myself through counseling if I felt like it I would consider marriage counseling. It is helpful to strengthen yourself first and then and only then you will be able to move forward with the relationship if it is viable. This is from one married woman to another. Wishing you the best:) Take Care.

Answered by: nakibajo on 2/16/09
matsalgado

Answer:

dear 2ABETTERME-get together with your husband and remember why the two of you chose to be united in marriage. have either of your feelings changed towards the unity of marriage? what is either of you willing to do to maintain your unity? what exactly does it mean he is trying to get your forgiveness, love and trust? how is he doing this? forgiveness is what we do to make room for more love. love is what we are made with and trust is that we will be able to handle ourselves matter what life hands us. so forgive yourself for any part you may have in this to allow him to go there. love yourself alot more and trust you are being taken care of with whatever choice you make

Answered by: matsalgado on 1/29/09
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