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If you have questions about this change, you're in the right place. Our editors, experts, and community of change optimists have answers!

VictoriaB

Question:Are you friends with your ex?

Asked by VictoriaB on 3/21/08 2 Answers»
dscanham

Answer:

My situation may be differant, i was married for 2 years exactly when i found out on our 2 year anniversary that my wife wanted a divorce. It was hard because i then had to face the person i had turned into, I wasnt abusive by any means but i can see now how i made her feel like she was not important at all. We are both very young, i am 24 and she is 23 and we have been togeather since sophmore year in high school.

This divorce has given me my best friend back, we used to spend almost no time togeather unless it was pretending we had the perfect marriage at weekly dinners with friends, we went almost a year without really being intimate with each other. We are now amazing friends and we havnt even signed the final papers yet. We have both felt for brief periods that maybe this is a sign we can work, but then we realize that we will be togeather as we were meant to be, when it is meant to be.

Answered by: dscanham on 12/16/08
oldgold

Answer:

I'm surprised no one has answered.
We were married 20 yrs, estranged 3, divorced 9, and for the past 5 yrs are again living together because she needed help with the youngest (then 16, boy). We are still like oil and water (better than gasoline and flame) but now we share a quiet and mostly unspoken mutual respect.

Our marriage was an attachment of many expectations, largely frustrated, which are absent today (unless I'm overtired and cranky) We choose to be together because it benefits our children and grandchildren, and we both find contentment in that.

And we're not having sex, which may be the key to our co-operation, actually...

Conversation initiated by her about six months before leaving:
"I need sex every day and if I don't get it from you I'll get it from somebody else."[I did not recognize the fair warning]
"If you're gonna get it from somebody else you're gonna have to ask [I was wrong on that count] and if you're gonna ask anybody, ask me."
"I'm not gonna ask you and get rejected."
"I don't reject you. You reject me."

Beyond the obvious shortcomings of our communication technique, which always seemed to be based on a 'you vs. me' template, one could see within all those words the simple message, "I'm afraid."
"Does he still think I'm beautiful?"
"Do I really satisfy her?"
We didn't ask each other those questions. Well, she asked me but I did not realize the depth of her doubt so my simple "Yes." was not at all reassuring and I can tell you that I certainly did not ask her, I just made assumptions, probably about as accurate as 'she'd have to ask...'
Maybe the real reason we get along better now is that, having tried the alternative we discovered that, for us, it really IS better to find a way to 'stay together for the sake of the kids."

But what about YOU? Come on, now, I'm not the only one with a former spouse, am I?

Answered by: oldgold on 8/20/08
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