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reader67

Question:Husband cheated on me. Was verbally & physically abusive, but now wants to stay married. He says he's "seen the light". I can't find the soft feelings for him anymore. Sometimes is it just too late?

Married for 9 years. 2 kids, youngest is 9. Husband was never affectionate towards me or wanted to be around me until I filed for divorce. Now he's my new best friend and says I am the love of his life. I dont feel like I can completely trust this. He is controlling and jealous, and sometimes I wonder if he just doesn't want me to be with anyone else. He had a very involved affair in which the woman he was seeing thought they were going to get married. She almost lent him the $$ for the divorce. Now he can't understand why I can't just be the nice sweet person I used to be. And he says I am mean for not being able to just put the past in the past.

Asked by reader67 on 4/13/09 2 Answers»
SisterSuz

Answer:

Be very careful. Read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" the author's first name is Vicki (sorry that I cannot remember her last name, I certainly opened up my eyes and mind. I didn't realize all the things involving a verbally abusive relationship. I have been and am going through a bit of the same. Find a Domestic Violence Support Group through the YWCA. During the groups I have attended they recommend that yes the abuser should get couseling, but they suggest that we never go through Marriage counseling, as often times things revealed at counseling session by the wife; is used against her after the couple leaves the counseling session. Get your hands on as much info as possible, educate yourself. The abuse will only get worse over time.

Answered by: SisterSuz on 9/14/09
MJ Acharya

Answer:

He is not only verbally and physically abusive, but it sounds like he is emotionally abusive too. He is blaming you for being 'mean' for not being able to get over the past. It sounds as if he just expects you to flip a switch now that he's finally willing to be "on board" with the marriage.

It sounds as if you need a mediator. See if you can try counseling. You can do it on your own by calling a free counseling hotline or by going to group meetings (also free - just use Google to find one near you). Or even better, tell your husband that the divorce WILL go through unless he attends counseling sessions with you. If he really wants things to go back to the way they were, he will consent to this. A therapist can help him see your point of view and vice versa. She can also give you exercises to do at home to increase your communication skills and to improve trust.

Answered by: MJ Acharya on 8/4/09
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