Tips
Bite-sized pearls of wisdom from our editors, experts, and community. Hint: If this is your first visit, make sure you start by reading our First30Tips.
- Browse:
- First30Tips
- Recent
- Popular
Breaking Up
I think that breaking up can be a metaphor for "getting clear". The babyboomers, long years ago (as my 4 year old granddaughter puts it), felt the inclination to "find ourselves". For women, it's an evolutionary step for human-kind. And it correlates with menopause, the age Buddhists believe to be "adult", finally. When we lose our eggs, our priorities change. We can find out who we are without the overriding need to create other-life. In deed, it's time for our own.
Every time I break up, I "find myself"-- on a deeper level. And it gets harder to recognize who I used to be and what I was willing to accomodate.
As we age, our relationships need to be refined or even redefined because we have become every experience we've had. None of us get out of here without history. Who would want to?
You nailed it. When my partner of 3 years had an affair that ended our marriage I spiraled. And everyone saw me as overreacting, losing it, etc. The first therapist I had just could not get away from INSTRUCTING me to cut all ties with my ex and the family we had created. I found myself, at times, yelling to her that I would not abandoned my grandson who is 3 years old. That I and his biological grandmother is all he knows as far as grandparents go. I am so glad I found it somewhere inside to stand up for my self on that subject even though I was crumbling inside at the loss of my partner. It is my first time being in love and for me at 35 that is big and it was devastating to lose that. We are still friends and communicate often. However, her hurting me taught me what I really wanted in a partner. Those first 30 days I was in the pits of hell. But it was worth a little scalding if it meant reuniting with my first love from 15+ years ago. I am happy now. And I didn't think it was possible during those first 30 days. Thank you for this site.
Thanks, JuliaW. I hope that your remember to hold that intense desire and observe yourself as you live life.
I don't think that I meant to create "other life"--I think it sneaks up on you in our society, arising from the innate female impulse to make peace out of chaos and disruption. Too often, we find ourselves AFTER we've self-sacrificed and convinced ourselves that we were happy to do it.
But it's helpful to look from a 3rd person perspective to stay in your place of balance and true-self, seeing emotion and how it affects you rather than being shifted by its force.
You sound wise enough to manage that.
You have a beautiful perspective. I think this is quite brilliant. I am not at that stage in my life, but I still feel an intense desire to find myself on a deeper level, perhaps because I don't feel an overriding need to create other life. Thank you for sharing this.