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Anonymous

Question:Why wouldn't someone want to be with me?

I came out of a 4-year relationship 6 mths ago.my ex and i are ok now. we're not reconciling but we realise that a friendship has developed between us. meanwhile, a litle over 2 months ago I started dating a few guys. this one guy in particular i spent most of my time with. It was great! he was the answer to my prayers.then one day i got upset about something and he said he can't handle an 'emotional' woman. after that, about 3 other 'episodes' happened and each time i felt him pull away and i panicked.now he's decided not to continue because of my 'crazy' responses to situations when i am upset and i'm crushed. i know i shouldn't be upset but i am. we haven't been in contact since he said he needed to think (one week). He’s still incontact with his ex whom he broke up with right b4 dating me but he totally shuns me? i blame myself for not handling the ‘epidodes’ better and wonder why he never even tried to make it work out. i feel like he never gave me a fair chance, considering i was hesitant about entering a new relationship, possible baggage, etc. please help me clear this up, move on and not keep expecting him to call after he's finished 'thinking' to say he wants me back. another thing? why doesn't he call now just to check in? he made a point about being friends. I keep thinking ‘I can’t believe that someone does not want to be with someone like me’.

Asked by Anonymous on 11/19/08 2 Answers»
Brenda Della Casa

Answer:

Dear Worthy of Love:
First of all, I want to commend you on reaching out and asking for help in better understanding this situation, yourself and the best way to move forward.

One of the things I learned when interviewing men and women for Cinderella Was a Liar was the discrepancy in time it took for the partner of each gender to open up and connect to the other. Sharing feelings, desires, wants, needs and concerns are ways for a couple to become closer and while these are necessary components of intimacy, laying it all out in the raw the first few months will likely overwhelm a new partner Being that your previous relationship lasted four years, it is safe to assume that you were likely still sorting through your baggage when new guy entered the picture and it sounds like he saw there was still a lot of emotions, feelings and lessons relating to this relationship that still needed to be unpacked. Don't be ashamed of those heavy emotions, they are to be expected after leaving a relationship in which you invested four years of love and energy. However, do understand that they could seem very heavy to someone just walking into the scene.

It is essential that you not take this new man’s walking away as a rejection of you, as a person, but a decision not to move forward into a situation that he felt he was not equipped or willing to handle at this time.

The fact that you call him, “The answer to my prayers” after only knowing him two short months tells me that you were/are likely in a place where you are looking for someone to fill up a space in your life and projecting your feelings and desires onto him.

The truth is that it takes more than a few weeks or even a few months to truly get to know who they are. In fact, most men I interviewed said they would not even consider being exclusive until month three and even then it might take them longer.

The idea that you were having heavy emotional responses to his pulling back (or your perception of him doing this) might have given him the idea that you were looking for someone to swoop in and make everything in your life better or "save" you and this is downright suffocating to most men.

My suggestion to you is to be gentle enough with yourself to know that you are a wonderful woman with many gifts and that even wonderful people make mistakes. Wonderful people are scared and needy sometimes too, and you know what? That’s OK. We are all human.
Instead of sitting by the phone, waiting for this man to call, take some time and date yourself. Really get to know this new, single, independent version of yourself. Think about the changes you want to make in terms of your behavior and your boundaries. Think about why you were so scared of losing this new guy after knowing him such a short period of time. What were you hoping he would provide to you? What are ways in which you can provide those things to yourself? The more safe, connected, aware and secure we are within ourselves, the less likely we will look to others for completion. Wanting to date and be in a relationship is normal but it’s essential that you understand that you are complete all by yourself. That could very well be the message New Guy was trying to send.

Good Luck To You!

Brenda Della Casa
Author, Cinderella Was a Liar
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Answered by: Brenda Della Casa on 11/20/08
kristen

Answer:

Ok. First, I think it would help to let go of the expectations of being friends. You weren't friends before, why would you be friends now? Saying "let's be friends" is an easy way to make people feel good about a break-up...but the sooner you acknowledge that an ex has no place in your life, the easier it will be to move on.

Someone DOES want to be with someone like you...it's just not this person. Perhaps it's not yet time for you to get back in the dating pool. A four-year relationship is a long one—are you sure you've let it go completely?

Answered by: kristen on 11/19/08
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