Hi profshell. I'm going through the exact same thing that you are. I recently broke up with someone I was with for a little over a year. I thought I met the perfect Man. We were so much alike and we had so much in common. He felt that we were "soul mates" or even "twin souls" And I had to wonder if maybe there was some truth in it because we were so connected. He too had many emotional and physical issues he was suffering from due to an abusive past. I tried my very best to love him, but the demons from the past made it impossible. So, I had to make a very heartbreaking decision to end it. I know he was sent to me, and me to him. But sometimes even if that's so, things get in the way, making it impossible for you to be together. One of the hardest things to do is to let someone you really love go. God intervened in my situation, saving me from future hurt and abuse from him. I prayed and asked God to reveal his true self to me, and God showed me that he was not being truthful with me, and it was true he wasn't. So, I would suggest to you to just keep praying, and see what God wants you to do. I wish you all the best :)

hey there all,

i have experienced bits and pieces of what i am hearing you all say and i appreciate the advice. i am a 40 something female, 2 kids, recently divorced then fell in love for the first time in my life. i fell in love with a woman. i fell in love with the person, not the gender. we connected on so many levels. we were what i would expect soul mates to be, someone who just "gets you" from many different angles and from the inside out.

we were each other's first, as far as i know, and learned and explored one another fully. we had a magical chemistry and wild passion for each other. never before had i had that flutter in my stomach when someone came around or a tingle down there in anticipation of their presence. we were absolutely inseparable for an entire year. talking, laughing, reading, lunching, traveling etc. if we weren't together we were texting or IM'ing. she had indeed become my partner and we had planned to be together for a long time.

to cut to the chase, she got a career opportunity on the other side of the country. within what seemed like minutes but was probably a month or so she decided to take the opportunity and move on with out me. in disbelief i resisted and tried to make some sort of long distance arrangement work out for us but she coldly cast me aside and cut off all communication between us.

she has given me a couple of different email answers to why she did what she did but none of them make much sense. i feel like i know her too well to believe what she is saying. i guess though i thought i knew her, i didn't think she was capable of being so cold and dismissive with me.

it has been about a month and i am trying to move on but really i am still hurting badly. i have never had my heart broken and am experiencing every part of it and then some it seems this late in life. i journal daily to get all of my feelings out and go back and forth between loving her and hating her for what she did to "us," to me. mostly, i still love her and want her back but know i could not take back a person who did what she did to me. obviously, i left some of those details out.

i too feel like somewhere deep in my soul that we were supposed to be together and somehow we will come back to each other. it doesn't feel like it is over. it was so abrupt.

when is the pain going to go away? when am i going to have a decent night of sleep? when am i going to stop thinking about her? am i gay now? what could have been? when will what everyone is suggesting stick with me? when will that final bit of hope go away?

I must say, I do not entirely agree with some, not all, of the advice here. Your head and your heart seem to only be synchronized with one another when you're at a pinnacle or deepest part imaginable. Otherwise, it seems like your head and your heart may never think and feel the same things at the same time... it is precisely this concept, this cognitive dissonance, that has magnetized us all, on different days, for different reasons, to this site. We seek not reassurance, or advice, or predictions for the future. We are all simply hungry for another set of eyes to review our issues, and provide a different angle from which to review our concerning situations. Then, catalyzed by this new light, maybe we can settle with confidence and closure one... or the other...
As for "letting go," and wondering when that last little bit of hope will dissipate, leaving you free to “move on”: this will not just simply "go away" when you decide you’re ready for it to. When was the last time anyone just simply flipped a switch and changed their emotional state? (Other than a toddler)…
Here, now more than ever, is a situation comparable to, “which came first: the chicken or the egg?” I believe that we need to WANT to emotionally “move on”… and only THEN can we try to physically “move on” and find ways to meet new people. But, ask the inner person who still believes there’s a future with him this: “have I provided you ample chance to mourn?” If so, then you’ve given her every opportunity to “pipe down” on her own… then, reinvent yourself socially. But, if our “inner person” has not had such a chance to grieve, she needs it as chance to digest what has emotionally happened in order to make cathartic sense of it, and then she’ll agree that it’s time for a fresh start.
I am in a pretty comparable situation… except it’s been 10 months now. I know, there’s a “light at the end of the [emotional] tunnel,” and I hope you have faith in yourself, and know that we women are intricate creatures, and sometimes it’s like an act of Congress to get all parts of you to agree… but when everything emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally “comes together,” you’ve got one powerful, confident, and coordinated person!! Good luck! :)

OMG!!! I'm so glad Adriane created this site. We so needed this type of positive, yet ventilating type pow-wow for change forum. It makes me feel so normal and human to see that so many other individuals, especially women, are dealing with the same issues and problems I go thru. It is very comforting to know that I am not alone in my feelings of not wanting to let go and continuing to long for hope in something that is clearly dead or been long over/gone. I don't know about you all, but this site has been helping me, more so than my close friends, to realize that I'm not crazy, pathetic or anything else demeaning, but rahter just human and I can and do have the power to change and move forward...when I'm ready and if I want to.

KNOW that this too shall pass and the sooner we let go and let GOD, the sooner we will be better off and living the devine destiny that he has in store for us.

We have to trust that we deserve better. Its okay to think that way, of course some people don't want to get overly cocky thinking no one is good enough, but again there is nothing wrong with believing you deserve more or better, and setting standards to hold yourself accountable so not to allow yourself to pick or settle for less than you deserve.

We must also trust ourselves, our gut instincts that you will know when its not right. So often we choose to ignore the warning signs of a potentially unhealthy partner/relationship and continue to subject or thrust ourselves into situations that would be less than satisfying in the end, but we do it for so called LOVE....but really, its fear, insecurity, and/or desperation. In these circumstances we must be courageous and strong, knowing and realizing that there is something better for us is in the distance if we just trust in God & ourselves, pushing forward even when it hurts and/or you are scared.

Good Luck to all of you in finding the power to change.

Women have an innate quality to nurture and want to "fix things." We want to keep the peace. But it takes two to tango - it takes two people to compromise, be compassionate, and be committed.

Doesn't it seem when we are in turbulent times we naturally want to focus on what is good - we have very selective memories. When we feel we are losing something, we want to hold on to what was good - even if the bad outweighs the good. And, we have a tendency to fear the unknown, of being alone - what if we never find anyone - so we allow ourselves to remain locked into believing we would rather settle for what we have than risk the loneliness and discomfort. In Ariane's book, she points out that we are so much stronger than we believe we are - and this is SO true! Instead of fearing the unknown embrace the unknown! Get excited and look at this change as an exciting new chapter in your life!

I love Victoria's suggestion of writing a letter to the person you are removing from your life - even if you do not send it. It can be great therapy to put your feelings in writing. Visualize what you want - what would your ideal relationship feel like? How much more enjoyable would it be to go through life with someone who truly loves you, TRULY supports you - is your best friend. Someone to have fun with and someone to be by your side during the stormy days. How does that feel and had you not made the brave decision to walk out of a relationship that was unhealthy for you - you would never know this joy.

Two great quotes:

"Our worst mistake is underestimating ourselves and underestimating Life." - Ariane de Bonvoisin

"Life is a series of challenges. How well you face them is how well you live your life." - Cindy Hensley McCain

I love what eherzer says (you are so wise!) and, of course, it's advice I need to take myself. I have a tendency to want to fix things, people, situations. I'd be in there trying to fix, fix, fix and probably get my heart broken in the process.

I agree the best thing you can do is walk away (emotionally) from a relationship that appears will never give you what you need. We're meant to live in joy, not sadness and to be with people who stimulate and support - not confuse us.

As women I think we have a tendency to feel sorry for and want to nurture people who are broken. We neglect our own needs and settle for less than we deserve. I don't think anything good can ever come of that.

You might want to write a letter releasing this person from your heart. Even if you never mail it, it might be a good exercise to get it all out on paper.

I empathize with all of you and it easy much easier to tell people what they should do than do it. I had my heart broken by a man that I completely changed and uprooted my life for. I loved him so much I felt as if I were having the life sucked out of me when we broke up. And every time I would try to move on, he would come back - he did not really want me, but he did not want to let me go or anyone else to have me. I spent two years going through this cycle with him. Once. I made the decision to move on and live my life, I was so much happier. I do think it is possible to get over someone you loved. Surround yourself with positive people, experience life and read books that will help you. And if you need a therapist you should enlist their help. I think you will always have wonderful memories and a place in your heart for someone you have loved, but as the saying goes, one door must close before another will open. My advice would be to focus on YOU, creating a life that is important and meaningful to you. When you do, you will attract into your life someone who will complement your life and vice-versa. Love is not perfect, but give your love to someone who deserves it and will treat you as you deserve to be treated and loved. Here is a quote I love and hope will help... "The last thing you expect or want in life is often the first thing to take you on your journey in life." - Timothy Shriver