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How come he is still in my mind and heart?
I was going through an extremely hard time in my life, but I was only 15. I had recently been sexually molested, and was living with the enemy, my father. I was trying to figure out if life was even worth it, but I was also wanting to just get out. One day my cousin came and asked my dad if I could go with her to a neighboring town to get some groceries since the town we lived in did not have a grocery store. On our way there she revealed to me that in fact she was taking me to meet her boyfriend's cousin. He was a 20 year old Navy Sailor, who had just moved back to the states from Cuba. He was about to be moved to San Diego, California. I was extremely nervous, but I didn't have a boyfriend, and I had never been on a blind date. My cousin knew what I was going through, so she wanted to get me away from it all. I never knew this would change my life forever. We hit things off right away, but in the back of my mind I knew it wouldn't last because I was 15 and he was 20...little did I know it would last longer than I thought. We tried hard to see one another within the two weeks that he had left back home. But my dad found out about him and decided to move me out of there so that we could not be around eachother. The last few days that we were together were just through the telephone. I had never felt like this about anyone before. My dad ended up moving me to Oregon, somehow my boyfriend was able to get ahold of my number through my grandma who lived by his parents, he called me one day but I was unable to speak, but it let me know he wasn't giving up. Well needless to say, I moved back to our home town with my grandparents, they helped me turn in my dad for all he had done. It had been exactly a year after meeting my boyfriend and he was still keeping in contact with me...I thought I had found love. I ended up moving in with his mom soon after because my grandparents were having some problems. He came home for the summer and it was heaven..I knew I was falling, and falling hard. Finally on my 17th birthday he calls and tells me he is in love with me. It was heaven. We were on the phone everyday after that, it was hard him being in California and I in Colorado. But we did our best to make it work. In December, he came home for the holidays, he was being really sneaky but I didn't think anything of it. On Christmas day, I was handed a huge box, I unwrapped it and opened it and there was another box, after opening 6 boxes, I finally reached a tiny white box, I started shaking, I opened it to find the most beautiful ring ever. I looked up and he was on one knee. He proposed to me and I said yes. I was the happiest girl ever. Life couldn't have got any better. In February, I went out to California and spent a few days with him. I didn't want to leave. But I had to, but little did I know that would be the last time I would ever see my sweetheart. In May, he and I were talking online, when it was finally time for me to get off, he said he had something to tell me. I didn't ear for anything because he had not done anything before. He revealed to me that he had got married that day, to a girl in the Navy for extra pay. I though I was going to die. I decided to stay with him since he informed that it was just for the money and it would be over in 4 months, it wasn't over for over a year. Our relationship just went down from there, but the thing is I was still crazy in love for him, I couldn't see life without him. He eventually got the divorce, but refused to marry me until, he decided to join the Air Force. He had discharged from the Navy after he got married. So we got married through the courts and for once our relationship was going smooth. It was like we were falling back in love all over again. That was in July of 2007, that following August he had to go to boot camp in Texas, San Antonio to be exact. I was very fearful of him leaving, something told me life was going to change. But he promised me that in fact it was only going to get better. Within a few weeks his best friends started telling me that he was down there with his ex who just happened to live in San Antonio as well, which I knew before he left. I was hurt because she had caused us problems in the past. I questioned him about it and his response was heartbreaking. He texted me on my phone...asking for a divorce. My life came crashing down. All we had worked for and had in our lives was changing. I didn't know what to do. He broke things off with me, my life went down, I started drinking heavily, six and a half years and my relationship was over. I started hanging out with the wrong people. Then I met this guy who I had gone to school with and actually had a crush on. We started talking and he was really there for me during this time We started seeing one another, which I knew I should have waited for, but my ex was constantly sending pics of him with other girls and all I wanted was revenge. I ended up moving to the city with this guy very soon, I know, it got bad, he was never around and that is when I started talking to my ex again. He would call me crying and saying I ruined everything. I started to miss my old life and wanted it back. So I moved back home, but my new boyfriend moved back as well. We barely spoke but to him I was his girlfriend. I ended up moving in with my grandparents again. Then my ex came back home after three months. I didn't tell my new boyfriend, I just went and seen him, and my new boyfriend who was an alcoholic and druggie, all of a sudden wanted to be a "good" boyfriend. When seeing my ex again, we just started crying, all the love we had before just came back and we missed one another so much. But I had to deal with my new boyfriend. Who was younger than me by 3 years, so I was 22 and he was 19. I didn't think it would be this bad, everything that went on between us, he had to run to his mom and sister and I was constantly being threatened that I was going to be beat up. I hated life. My ex had come back a new man, he was going to church, reading the bible, and wanting me back and willing to do whatever he had to to make us work, and he wanted to start trying for kids. All I wanted was there. But one night my ex tells me that I will never be anything without him. I realized he was being this perfect person just to win me back and would go back to his old ways once he had me. So I left for the last time. I am still with my boyfriend Brandon, actually we got married this month, a little under a year since all of this happened. I love my husband and care for him, but I was set in my life before, with this guy I had to start over. He is quite immature when it comes to life. He runs to mommy when things don't go his way. But my heart seems to still be with my ex. My new husband refuses for me to speak to my exes family, who stuck by my side through all of this. I had to give them my puppy because my ex bought it and my new husband wanted him completely out of my life. I pray for my ex each night, recently he was deployed to Iraq. I just pray that something horrible happens to him and we never ended it like we should have. Before being deployed, he was living here in town and he has become the regular bachelor. He is with many many different "girls" they are all way younger than me. I still miss him though, why?
A very touching story ciara. As the others have said, it's normal for you to still feel for your ex. He was there for you and helped you through a very troubling time in your life. And there is no shame in wishing even an ex well. I hope you get through what happened to you. And I hope that your life is now filled with love, peace and joy.
I think it's only natural that you have strong feelings still for someone who was in your life at a very vulnerable time. When you met him you were still reeling from the trauma of what your father did to you so there are probably a lot of those emotions wrapped up in your feelings for your boyfriend. He was a positive light in one of your darkest times. It's good that you're talking about it and not just keeping it inside.
I think it's natural to think about someone who was in your life. And nothing wrong to pray for someone you care for and hold them in your heart.
Finding places like this to share your feelings is a good outlet as well as keeping a journal.
It did help me out quite a bit. I did realize at the end I wrote that I pray for something horrible to happen...I meant I pray that nothing horrible happens to him. I have come to notice that when I think about my ex, it brings strain on my new relationship because I can't just talk about how I am feeling.
That's quite a story. I think you need to give yourself some time and give your marriage a chance.
I'm wondering if you feel any better sharing your story? Did it help you to write it out? You might want to start a journal to keep your thoughts.