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MJ Acharya

MJ Acharya

Author, blogger and healer of broken hearts

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Mike Riley

Co-author of How To Heal A Broken Heart In 30 Days

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Melissa Kantor

Author of the young adult novel The Breakup Bible

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Question:Do I keep hope that my boyfriend and I will reconcile? or should I just attempt to move on even though I still want to be with him? How do I get through the depression of not having him in my life?

I am 20 years old. My boyfriend is 21. I was with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years and he has been with me through so much. He is my first love and I know I'm young, but I feel that you're never too young to find love. We have had a great relationship through everything, of course with a few rough patches, but our love for eachother has gotten us through everything. We got our first apartment together about 6 months ago and it was the most fabulous time of our lives. We were more than just Boyfriend and girlfriend, he was also my best friend and we did everything together.

About 2 weeks ago, we started fighting alot, mostly about silly things. At the end of the week, we got in a huge fight and didnt talk for the rest of the weekend. He later told me through text that he wante to take a break. Usually for us that only meant a day or two. So i packed a few things and went to stay at my moms house for a couple nights. When he hadn't called me for 2 days, I decided to return to our apartment to get some more clothes since i thought he needed more time. When I walked in, he was sitting on our couch with some girl that I had never seen before, casually eating a nice breakfast with her(like me and him used to do.) Before freaking out, I took him outside for an explanation.; He had said that she stayed the night but he didnt do anything with her, and that she slept on the couch. Of course I thought that that was a load of bs, but he continued to tell me that ever since our big fight, he had wanted to split from me for good. I was very confused and upset, mainly because we had gotten through fights worse than that one, and I had this random girl eating my food on my couch. so without much more talking, I called my mom and she helped me move all my things out that day. I was very heartbroken and confused. I went back to the apartment that night with my friend to get a few more of my things, and he happened to be there. We argued and yelled, I accused him of being a cheater and he firmly denied that he cheated on me. A part of me believed him but I still had doubts. When he saw how upset I was, he came to me with a heartfelt apology on how he didnt want it to be like this, but we just cant be together right now. we hugged and kissed and I left. The next morning I came back over so we could sign my name off the apt lease. I haden't been able to sleep at my moms house and I missed our bed. I layed down with him in bed and I cried and we talked and ended up getting intimiate. He told me that he still loved me and cared about me, as did I about him. He said that we can still be friends and hang out, and i can call him whenever i need someone, but he just doesnt want a relationship now. He works 3 jobs and said that it was just too stressful for him to hold on to our relationship. He said that maybe we could work it out in the future when he gets his life more together. He said that there was no one else that he wanted to be with, but that he just wanted to be alone now. I still have hope that we can work things out in the future but I dont know how long and if I should even wait.

I am having the hardest time with all of this. He was my first and only love and my best friend and I feel like I lost so much on that day. I had to move back into my moms house which is very hard for me, especially because I lived with him and saw him everyday. I keep getting urges to call or text him, and he still communicates with me, but he never does it if i dont communicate with him first. I am getting very lonely and depressed, and he is all I can think about. Everything just happened so suddenly that I had no time to adjust to these changes. He is the only person that I want to talk to, but I also want to give him a chance to miss me. I still want to be with him, even though he put me through alot. I just dont feel like anyone will ever fill the void that he left in my heart. It hurts the most because he seems to be doing just fine without me and doesnt show me that he misses me, but i cry over him all the time. He asked me to go out with him to the movies but I dont know if I should go since I dont think he wants to be romantically involved with me as I do with him. How can I get over the void that he left in my life? I was used to seeing him everyday of my life and now I cant even speak to him. Anything that reminds me of him or of things that we did together just makes me depressed all over again. How can I overcome the pain that he left in my heart?

Asked by mrose37 on 12/11/09 1 Answer»
MJ Acharya


Hello sweetie! You poor thing. You've been through so much recently and I don't doubt that you feel depressed and sad. Anybody would.

I wonder about this random girl. Did you speak with her at all? Or did you just confront him outside and just leave? You didn't know her. Did he say where he knew her from? I just wonder because it does sound as if there was more to the story than just sleeping on his couch. For example, was there a pillow and a blanket on the couch? I don't mean to belabor the point, but I do want you to think carefully about that day. The answer may already lie in your gut. Facing it may be tough. But I think if you go with your gut, it'll help you to move forward.

Right now, you are devastated. I suggest that during the next few weeks, you allow yourself to have a "pity party." Cry, scream, eat whatever comfort food you like and spend time getting it all out of your system. You have to get to a point where you can accept that it's over.

If you can avoid it, don't hang out with him. I have the strong feeling that he wants to be single, yet still be intimate with you. This may be incorrect, but if I am correct, then it will be incredibly confusing for you. He is your first love and if you don't separate yourself from him, then you will never get over him.

Trust your instincts! You said that you'd like for him to miss you. So you have to do whatever you can to stop yourself from contacting him. This means no texting, no facebooking, no IM-ing, no calling...nothing! This will be incredibly difficult for you as he was your best friend and everytime something good or bad happens to you, you're going to want to reach out. Even if you have to leave your phone in your car every night or duct tape it in your glove compartment, do whatever it is that you have to do to stop contacting him. If he ends up missing you and calling you all the time, and begging you to come back to him, then great! If he doesn't, then at least you have your answer.

So start with your pity party and no contact. Then we'll go from there. It takes time to get over someone. It won't just happen overnight. I wish it did sometimes. : (

Answered by: MJ Acharya on 12/15/09
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