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Our Breaking Up Experts

MJ Acharya

MJ Acharya

Author, blogger and healer of broken hearts

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Mike Riley

Mike Riley

Co-author of How To Heal A Broken Heart In 30 Days

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Melissa Kantor

Melissa Kantor

Author of the young adult novel The Breakup Bible

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Q&A

If you have questions about this change, you're in the right place. Our editors, experts, and community of change optimists have answers!

artsy69

Question:How can I say no to a casual relationship that's not going anywhere?

I have been casually dating a man who has made it clear he does not want to remarry. I really want to marry again. His idea of a date always ends up at my place having sex. We are not "spring chickens". I get tired of him not spending any quality time with me. He is very "anal". Yet, I like having sonmeone to spend time with. What can I do?

Asked by artsy69 on 11/1/09 4 Answers»
veartwani

Answer:

Hello

My name is veart(single). I was impressed when i saw your profile today at and i will like to establish a long lasting relationship with you. In addition,i will like you to reply me through this my private e-mail box(veartwani@ymail.com)
Thanks
waiting to hear from you soon.
veart
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veartwani@ymail.com

Answered by: veartwani on 3/13/13
Forseer

Answer:

You obviously want more from the relationship than he does. My suggestion would be for you to move on because there are alot of Men out there wanting the same things you do. I wouldn't settle and sacrifice myself just for the sake of companionship. The best of luck to you :)

Answered by: Forseer on 11/28/09
esthechica

Answer:

Ok, here's the deal artsy...I will be straight with you as a woman in her 40's who dated a non-committal guy for 4 monts. You can look at the break up section to see what I wrote. I am happy to share it with you because my pain and anger was the result of doing what you are doing. My guy wanted exclusive, but not committed for the long term. I went with it for a couple of months, it was so nice to have someone I really liked and had hopes for, had great physical chemistry with, but once I asked him straight up if we had potential, slowly but surely, even though we had long conversations, the truth came out: he was never going to give me what I wanted. He was divorced and had staunchly decided not to remarry, he didn't even trust long term relationships and had all kinds of barriers about it. He still kept in touch with ex's and still talked to other women, which I protested. He never wanted me to meet his child, even though he met my kids (once). He ended our relationship when I finally confronted him after a month of backing off. I stopped all communication with him to heal.

My ex husband dated a woman for four years before he finally said he wouldn't commit and she finally left. My sister dated a man for 10 years, same thing. Some of these men eventually commit to other women, some do not, but the end result is the same: if a man tells you he is not in it for the long haul, and you want the long haul, honor your feelings and get out early.

I regret not having that straight conversation with him by the second or third date. I think it's just fine to say, "Hey guy, I am looking for someone who wants long term and I would love to remarry the RIGHT man someday. I'm not in a hurry but I'm not doing casual, either. If you want that find it in someone else." The guy will either bolt right there or tell you he wants the same and at least you are on an even playing field.

We shouldn't devalue ourselves because of our ages either. Some men want younger, some are happy with a real woman their own age. We have to remember we are ok where we are and that the clock is not ticking on our worth. I have to fight that too, but that just ends up making you more needy and willing to settle. I did it, and I had lots of anger and pain - at myself too!!

Break it off and put it out there you want something real. You deserve it!! So do I!!

:) Good luck!!!! All the best!

Answered by: esthechica on 11/13/09
MJ Acharya

Answer:

I understand what you're going through. I am somewhat of a spring chicken and I still sometimes have problems being alone. You are comfortable with this man - he knows you - it is hard to start over again.

But if you really want to remarry then you have to make the very difficult decision to stop this relationship - and to be strong about it. Meet him in public, tell him your concerns, listen to what he has to say and then walk away. You never know - he may realize that he misses you and come back. He may not. But the risk is probably worth it either way.

Whe you start missing him, write notes to yourself to reinforce why you decided to leave. Write down why leaving is an alternative to staying in this 'go nowhere' relationship. It's easy for you to read this advice and say - yeah, that makes sense,' (if it does) but you have to actually DO IT for it to work.

You can join my community at brokenheartedgirl . com to get some more advice from people who have been in your shoes. I know it sounds like a site for little kids, but many women who are not spring chickens are on it. Just write your own blog or log in to the forum and post your story under "I need Relationship Advice."

This site is great too! But I notice sometimes that not a lot of people respond to questions anymore. : ( but man, there are some great articles on here!

MJ Acharya

Answered by: MJ Acharya on 11/2/09
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