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MJ Acharya

MJ Acharya

Author, blogger and healer of broken hearts

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Mike Riley

Mike Riley

Co-author of How To Heal A Broken Heart In 30 Days

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Melissa Kantor

Melissa Kantor

Author of the young adult novel The Breakup Bible

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lostinlove08

Question:My high school sweetie, my first love. dumped me

I really thank anyone who is willing to read all of this. I honestly need your help. I'm sick of all my friends just saying get over it. You don't need him. Because it isn't that simple. It started in 8th grade. We "dated" for 2 weeks, and ended it. 8th grade was simple enough we never even talked. It was a friends idea. 9th grade. We dated around christmas time for a month. Broke up for one reason or the other. Then in May we started dating again. The relationship started out wonderfully. By about month 5, he got really controlling. But he was whom I loved. He was sweet, charming and the quarterback of the football team. He came to all my basketball tournaments and I loved his family as my own. We didn't have any major problems until after the 1st year. He use to pretty much go crazy on me if I wanted to hang out with friends--bad news. but i also hurt him a lot as well. We both hurt each other. Senior year he took another girl to prom. We were dating until a week before-broke up- he took someone else(i didn't go) and then we started dating after prom. I was going to college 2 hours away- him 5 minutes from home. That summer between senior year and freshman year of college was the best summer of my life with him. I went on vacation for a week with his family and spent nearly every waking minute together. Then college came. He started lying to me and seeing another girl. Then wanted me back. I spent about 10 weekends at his school straight(hard to accomplish 2 hours away-but i did it, i love him). Then we broke up. We got back together for Christmas, then broke up. He thens tarted seeing the same girl again and lying about it until i found out during spring break. he wont get back with me now. I am a sophopmore in college. Granite after we broke up I went a little crazy. But I gave up everything I could for him. I moved to college 10 minutes from home--this year he transferred 2 hours away. I did everything he could and he just no longer wants anything to do with me. Last wednesday he is in a relationship with another girl. I am dying inside. I would do anything to be with him. But I don't think its possible. We have never went more than 5 days without talking. Since sophomore year. Im so scared. All my friends left me to be his friend when we broke up. THe girl he is now dating lives near us and goes to his college. I just dont know what to do. I can't stop crying. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I know I have gained some weight, but really. Is that the reason? I am starting to ramble here, but I just love him more than my own life--I know its wrong but I can't help how I feel. Please help me.

Asked by lostinlove08 on 9/30/09 3 Answers»
MJ Acharya

Answer:

I am really sad to hear that you stopped playing basketball and transferred just to be with him. I hope that you read those books and learn a little bit about yourself along the way. I hope that in the future, you figure out the lesson you learned about quitting something you love to be with someone you love. If my boyfriend and I got engaged and he wanted me to move across the country with him, I would. But if there's no ring, then there's no reason for me to give up my life. That's how I personally feel. I think that in your life, you have to decide if there is real commitment there (from BOTH parties) before you ever decide to give up something like that again.

Now as for starting to get through this, check out those forums, read my blog for lots of advice (Link), cry, and take care of yourself. It's so easy for someone to just say "get over it!" but it takes a ton of time...and it's what you do in that time that wil make for a happier and healthier you. : )

Answered by: MJ Acharya on 10/1/09
lostinlove08

Answer:

To answer your question. I have never had another boyfriend. Thanks for all your tips and suggestions. I am passionate about my education or was. I use to play basketball in college until I quit to spend more time with him and I transferred home to be with him. I don't think we will ever get back together. Him and this girl started "officially dating" last week and they had been talking since July. I think it is the real deal.

Answered by: lostinlove08 on 9/30/09
MJ Acharya

Answer:

I'm really sorry to hear about the situation - and even more sorry to hear that it's been going like this for years and years. There's a pattern here of you putting up with the worst of the worst because you truly believe that you are meant to be with one another. So it doesn't sound as if you want to get over your ex. It sounds like you want someone to tell you how to get back with him.

I can't imagine wanting to get back together with someone that is already sleeping with someone else. I know the distance with this new girl is probably the deciding factor, but it also seems that as soon as someone else shows interest in him, he dumps you for her, knowing that whenever that sours, he can always go back to you. And you always let him back in.

Have you ever dated anyone else?

I think it's okay to be in love and accept someone for their flaws, but I also want to ask you something - What is your identity without him? You obviously are passionate about your education, considering you chose to go to college far away, but who are you without your ex? That could be a journal question that you work through.

There's no reason why you can't figure out your own stuff during this breakup. Chances are that you'll get back together, but you have to figure out WHY the relationship isn't working. Figure out WHY you let someone walk all over you like this. Figure out how to get a backbone so if/when he tries to get back together with you, you can lay down the law and show him that he has to give you more in order to be with you. And if he won't give you more, than you have to consider why you'll settle for less than you deserve.

There are a few books out there you may want to check out from the library to read inbetween crying jags. Get - Toxic Relationships (I don't remember the author - and Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.

If he doesn't come back and you're ready to accept the breakup, then of course, get The Breakup Workbook (my book) and complete the exercises so you can attempt to move forward with your life without him. But until then, cry, read, and figure out WHY you are willing to accept this behavior.

I'm curious to know as to whether you've dated anyone else. I think that may be part of it. But regardless, whether you get back with him or not, take time to cry your heart out, then do the work to get to a better place in your life.

And if your friends are sick of you talking about it, join the forum at Link and talk to other broken hearted girls about it.

-MJ

Answered by: MJ Acharya on 9/30/09
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