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Our Breaking Up Experts

MJ Acharya

MJ Acharya

Author, blogger and healer of broken hearts

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Mike Riley

Mike Riley

Co-author of How To Heal A Broken Heart In 30 Days

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Melissa Kantor

Melissa Kantor

Author of the young adult novel The Breakup Bible

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esthechica

Question:I am at the one month post break up stage, he left the relationship, not me. I cut off contact but my mood has gone between relief, to deep depression, to now intense anger. I try to talk to friends, busy myself, but I'm still experiencing mood swings.

Asked by esthechica on 8/19/09 14 Answers»
esthechica

Answer:

Hi Cristagali -
I know what you mean, what is with all this self doubt? If these guys were the right ones, we wouldn't be sitting here doubting ourselves and missing them, or in my case being pissed and missing them (go figure), we'd be having a relationship with them and not asking questions. They weren't right, but I guess you have to date them to find out!

I think where your input has helped me is that I always assume (and have been told) that the dumper, so to speak, feels the pain of the breakup before it happens...having to do it, hurt someone, and guilt afterwards, but for the most part, they feel "free" and looking forward to the next person. I certainly got this idea from my ex bf. As I said, he backed away, got real "busy" and then went through a series of big talks with me that basically told me he didn't want to be a boyfriend, was not invested enough to fix this, and wanted to "do whatever" he wanted, which from his Facebook (before I deleted it) looked like it included keeping and meeting younger women around (we are both 45). He then wanted to keep me around too, but I broke off communications with him. I felt his silence meant he could care less and moved on to others quickly.

In truth, I have no idea what's really happening with him, only my own assumptions. I wanted to know what the dumper feels, if anything, and your post made me realize that no matter what a person does, there are still feelings underneath the actions, regrets, maybe second thoughts. If it doesn't hit immediately it eventually does. No way to know if this is true of him, but certainly true of you in your situation!!

I have found that rebounds rarely work. It is nice for a while to have another person to lean on, mentally and physically, and get comfort from, but if your heart is still not healed or elsewhere, you really cannot give yourself to the new person. Even though it hurts, I think you are doing the right thing for yourself to give yourself time to heal from ALL of it. I hope you are getting some therapy or have some really good friends to help you talk it out. Try journaling!!! I have found guided journaling to be really helpful in getting all my feelings out. I designated a time I could vent and time limit, it helps. Doesn't keep all the wayward thoughts at bay, but I try to remember too that if I wait them out they will pass, no matter how intense. I hope that helps you too!! Keep going forward! :)

Answered by: esthechica on 9/2/09
cristagali

Answer:

Hi esthechica,
Sorry it has taken so long to respond. Thanks for the advise. I hope things are going ok with you. to answer your question:
I realized that it wasn't something he didn't or did do. It was time for me to move on. And our relationship started all wrong. My son's father left me so this last relationship was a rebound. And all the pain I still had for my son's father was along in this one.
Even though I left it is still hard sometimes. The insecurites and self-doubt. I tell myself all the time why things will not work but there are times when the good pops up and you are like man I missed that.

Answered by: cristagali on 9/1/09
MJ Acharya

Answer:

I mean "wrote"

Answered by: MJ Acharya on 8/22/09
MJ Acharya

Answer:

I also write a really long response to your other question. Hope you got that too!

Answered by: MJ Acharya on 8/20/09
esthechica

Answer:

Thank you for your responses. I will check out the blog and website MJ. Cristalgali, I am surprised to hear you are having such a hard time having been the one to break things off. May I ask what happened to make you want to break up? In my case, my boyfriend did not want to commit although he did want to date exclusively. When I finally said I wanted more, he backed off slowly, made a lot of declarations against long term relationships, and finally told me he would not commit to me, that his feelings were not deep enough and he was not invested enough to fix things. I told him he was making a big mistake, but agreed to let him go. He continued to contact me til I wrote him and told him to respect my feelings that a friendship was not in the works now and keeping touch kept me from moving on as I knew he surely would. I have not heard a word since. Being the "dumpee" I think makes it so much harder, because the "dumper" usually has one foot out and is prepared before they end things, even if it's painful at the time. I just picture him moving on without doubting himself...that is why I am surprised to hear a person who left a relationship have misgivings and self-doubt. In both of our cases, I think reminding ourselves of the reasons that person was not right for us, and that the only way it could truly work if it's meant to be, would be if the problems that were present were sufficiently addressed and a commitment was there to sincere improvement and work in the future to keep the bond together. In my case, I don't expect him to wander back, at least it's best for me to view it as over. If you have real questions, talk it over with someone...see if you can reconcile or if it's really just a case of having to get through it and accept you did the right thing. I'm sorry you are having pain over this! Take care and hang in and I will too. :)

Answered by: esthechica on 8/20/09
MJ Acharya

Answer:

Hey girl. Sorry to hear about this. It's rough to go through this. Vascillation between relief, depression and anger are all part of the healing process. It's tough, but as long as you can recognize that this is normal, it should help.

I have a ton of tips on my blog at Link. There are so many articles on the site that I think it's better to send you there than to list them all here. : )

Answered by: MJ Acharya on 8/20/09
cristagali

Answer:

Hi
I don't have an answer but I am going through the same thing. I broke things off yet I am second quessing myself wondering if I made a mistake. Just keep doing what you are doing. I'm down to the one month and a week slot and it still is a chore to get going

Answered by: cristagali on 8/20/09
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