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Our Breaking Up Experts

MJ Acharya

MJ Acharya

Author, blogger and healer of broken hearts

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Mike Riley

Mike Riley

Co-author of How To Heal A Broken Heart In 30 Days

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Melissa Kantor

Melissa Kantor

Author of the young adult novel The Breakup Bible

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Q&A

If you have questions about this change, you're in the right place. Our editors, experts, and community of change optimists have answers!

esthechica

Question:Hi I wrote earlier, but my text was cut off, sorry about that.

I was saying I dated a man for almost 4 months, and we broke up just over two weeks ago. It turned out I wanted a long term relationship, and he did not feel he was ready to commit, or did not want to commit to me...he told me he did not want to be in a serious relationship and had been backing off for a month or so before finally breaking things off. This was painful and angering for me since I had waited for him to make up his mind, and I knew things were not going well and was growing restless myself and impatient with him. After we broke up, he expressed that he still wanted a good friendship, even tossed out the idea we could hook up if we wanted to, and who knows what the future holds. I was not going to do this unless we were in a relationship. I had seen some activity on his Facebook page, adding women I didn't know and a couple he had dated before I knew about. This also made me uncomfortable. I don't believe he has moved on to someone else just yet, but know that he will.
In any case, he continued to instant message me every day for a week, and called the night before he left on vacation, still contacting me during his trip as well. When he returned, he IMed me again and told me of his busy weekend plans, but wanted to see me and give me a gift afterwards. This contact and gift offer further confused me, or made me conflicted, since he had made it clear he had been unmotivated to fix our relationship and didn't want to go any further. I also assumed he was in contact with other women but don't know for sure. What is up with that behavior? Is it mixed feelings, loss, habit, or just wanting to keep you in the "pipeline" so to speak? Guilt? The conversations were very superficial, so that upset me as well. I decided before we saw each other to cut it off, it was too hard, so I wrote him a succinct email that said I wasn't ready to stay in touch yet, and attempts at friendship weren't going to work right now. I have not gotten a response or reaction in two days, that wasn't the purpose, but his silence hurts. I at least expected an acknowledgement and an "I understand and I'm sorry" response. Anyway, I have felt a lot of loss, anger, and miss him, despite the circumstances. It was hard to hear him seem fine and moving on seemingly easily. How can I handle these feelings constructively? I want to move on, and accept if I am ever to be "just friends" with a guy after a breakup it has to be when all is water under the bridge. What is the most healthy way to move on and handle this feeling of depression and all the other moods of a break up?

Asked by esthechica on 8/10/09 2 Answers»
esthechica

Answer:

Thank you MJ. You have confirmed what I thought already, but hearing it from an "expert" is very validating indeed. I hate the thoughts I have about him, good and bad and am awaiting the time when they dissipate, no matter what he does with his life. I will try to see his non-response in a more positive light. Everything I have read and every person I have talked to says to cut it off is the most self-preserving thing I can do, so I am going with it and sticking to it no matter how hard it is. Thank you for returning my post. :) I appreciate all you have had to say!

Answered by: esthechica on 8/20/09
MJ Acharya

Answer:

Hi. I answered another one of your posts earlier. But I know this is tough. And if it helps, I really think you're doing the right thing here. Cutting off all contact is THE HEALTHIEST way to get over someone. This includes staying away from his Facebook and Twitter and whatever else he's on. I suggest that everyone deletes their ex's so they CAN'T check out his status, but that's an individual decision.

You told him that you didn't want any contact from him, so the fact that he didn't write back - even though it's infuriating - is a testament to the fact that he respects your decision and doesn't want to tread on your feelings.

As far as him IM-ing you and calling you - it could be habit. It could also be that he wants to keep you closeby in case the other things (women) he has in the works don't work out. It's sad and he may only be doing it subconsciously, but it happens ALL THE TIME. You have every right to be confused.

He may write you yet. He may see what life is like completely without you and come crawling back. He may not. But cutting off contact with him is the first step toward finding out.

And if he doesn't come back and you've accepted that he's no longer in your life, you're that much closer to getting over him...

Answered by: MJ Acharya on 8/20/09
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