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MJ Acharya

MJ Acharya

Author, blogger and healer of broken hearts

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Mike Riley

Co-author of How To Heal A Broken Heart In 30 Days

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Melissa Kantor

Author of the young adult novel The Breakup Bible

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If you have questions about this change, you're in the right place. Our editors, experts, and community of change optimists have answers!

lostinlove

Question:Am I just fooling myself?

Let me just start by saying this is a very long detail per I wanted to try and give as much history as possible in order to get the best advice. Thanks

First a little history: My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years. Prior to our relationship, we'd both been in relationships that were very exhausting and left us feeling miserable and depleted most of the time. Him for 16 years to a highschool sweetheart (compatibility issues)and I to my ex-husband for approx. 4 yrs- which was an abusive relationship. We both have children outside of the relationship, me with (3) ages 4, 5 &10 and him with (2) ages 14 & 16. We are both in our early 30's.

We've been extremely compatible from the very beginning, priding ourselves on how well we can communicate and be honest with each other, as well as joke and play and not take things too serious, however, he has been very slow motion from the start. I always attributed his slow pacing to him being in his prior relationship for so long. I knew that he loved me based on how he treated me as well as what he's told me and therefore, I was willing to be patient with him, even though I felt like he should have proposed soon after our first year together and definitely by the second year.

Throughout the relationship there has been many times when I've grown desperately frustrated with him because I felt like we weren't growing or moving forward as we should be. From the very start I was clear that I wanted a relationship that could potentially grow into something much deeper...i.e. Marriage, a partnership. I would ask him how he felt about me, how he views me as a person, what his expectations are of this relationship and what were his intentions with us being together. He would always confirm that he wanted a serious relationship as well, and that he loved me and thought I'd make a great wife, although he wasn't rushing to the alter, but would for me. He admitted that financial strain was the reason why he had not yet proposed, which is totally understandable. We both have goals we need to obtain before we take that leap, but he also admitted that he had some issues with taking on my children full-time and this was the reason why he had not yet asked for me to move in with him or vice versa or find a place together, which would most likely eliminate some of the financial strain we both have. Combining our incomes would benefits us both, we live in NY and its extremely expensive here. The news of him doubting his ability to accept my children was a heartbreaking blow to me because he has children too, however they are much older than mine, and they don't live with him - only visit on the weekends. He was worried about starting over with the whole kid thing.

Well anyway, approximately 1 month after our 2 year anniversary, I recieved a disturbing call from one of my best friends. She called to inform me that my boyfriend had propositioned her!! Yes, he'd called her acting as if he wanted to plan a party of some sort for me, or wanted to do something nice for me, she brushed him off the line and he called her back and sexually propositioned her.

When I confronted him about this incident he did not deny it, he stated that he was way out of his mind and that he would never willingly do anything to hurt me...of course he did the normally begging and pleading...but basically the story was he was sorry and completely inebriated at the time and that was the only reason why it happened. He did confess that he's had impure thoughts of her before, but she wasn't the only one (meaning, baby don't think I just want your friend...I'm just a horny dude and I think of many women that way) which i'm actually fine with. Its when someone acts on those thoughts that I have a problem with it. Especially in his case because I'd already told him on another occasion, my birthday to be exact - months prior- that I did not want him calling my friends for any reason. Honestly I could see where his thought process may have come from...I've thought that I may find one of his friends very actractive and want to do one of them, but I would never act on it...that's the difference.

Anyway, this action on his part was totally unexpected and so out of character for him, or so I thought. I never saw it coming. He's not a party dude, he doesn't hang in the street or go out often. He's never exhibited signs of a cheater.
He's never been abusive to me or tried to harm me, demean me. He's always been so responsible and good natured...always there for me, but just taking his time in making me official. I just couldn't believe this happened.

Well at first I just knew it was over, but of course I couldn't just turn off my feeling just like that. So I tried to forgive him and move on, but I haven't forgotten and most likely won't. I feel deeply affected and growingly insecure. Lately I've been very snappy and unsure of my feelings for him. I did admit that I don't feel in love with him right now, but I know that I do love him....I think....

Right now, I feel a mix of confusion because I was already feeling impatient with him about our progress and now with this I'm like is this a sign that we are going no where fast?? Oh and did I mention that now he's all gun-ho about our relationship and of course we are going to get married and have a happy life......with the kids, no problem.....

So here I am writing all my personal business on the internet hoping someone will get the jist of what I'm trying to express and give me some tangible unbaised advice. Tell me...Am I fooling myself, settling or could this guy possibly be the one? People make mistakes. My friends think I'm just scared to let go...I feel that somewhat too becuase I don't feel there are many good selections left out there, especially to a divorced mother of three in her 30's, and people who have been together for like 30 years had to go thru something, right...not to mention we aren't married yet. But what do you think???????

Asked by lostinlove on 12/14/08 15 Answers»
chelnel515

Answer:

I was in a completion with my husband’s ex, even before we got married, I thought she might stop interfering in our affairs after marriage, but she continued, spreading rumors about my past, calling me names. She vowed to cause breakup to our 2-year-old marriage, because my husband preferred me over her, she was so jealous and decided to consult a priest who caused our breakup on March 17. She was so evil that she don’t even hide her evil acts, after opening up to me that she caused our split, and laugh at me as she tries to take back my husband.
It was a slap on my face and total humiliation, and I demanded justice from spiritual father dr. wakina, after going through testimonies about him on TV and blogs, why I chose him was that he doesn’t cast spell against one’s wish and his spell has positive effects to family growth. My life changed after the spell was done on us and the evil lady flee overnight. Am so exited right, dr. wakina’s spell blessed us beyond measures and I encourage you to contact him via dr.wakinalovetemple@gmail.com

Answered by: chelnel515 on 10/8/15
raymondjer5

Answer:

My wife said the first time she was caught making out with a co-worker was that “she was being pushed by the devil”. She fakes business vacations on several occasion just to spend private time alone with her co-worker. She plays her game so tight that I had to employ informant to always track every of her moves. I didn’t believe most of the results, but I have always been suspecting until when I was brought to witness her actions. It was so painful than I was expected. We had serious issues that almost lasted a year and she can’t stop seeing the guy. I thought of divorce, but it might affect our kids and I don’t know any other means to employ that will make her stop. I was recommended to search blogs for spell casters that can help, that’s when I fell in love with comments I read about Dr.Wakina on Link and some testimonies on Link before I was convinced enough to contact him via dr.wakinalovetemple@gmail.com I didn’t expect much from him, but his presence in my life gave me hope, he did his thing and cast the spell that united our spirit and soul, the spell changed our feelings and thoughts, she no longer have feelings for another man except me for months now, we thinks more about our future together with the kids and we called dr. wakina to thank him as a family, I was blessed and touched for what he is doing. I promised to share this testimony and his email to help save families who are having crisis. Contact him via dr.wakinalovetemple@gmail.com

Answered by: raymondjer5 on 8/15/15
Forseer

Answer:

I am so proud of you Lost in Love for making a wise decision. When I read your post the first thing that came to my mind was "red flag" I'm glad you did the right thing for you, and decided to move on. I wish you all of lifes best :)

Answered by: Forseer on 11/29/09
lostinlove

Answer:

Thanks so much to you all. You guys (ladies) are the best!! I also decided to take the blogging advice and i've submitted my first entry on a couple of different site...nothing to strong or deep, just a little something to make me feel like i'm doing instead of talking. thanks again to everyone, more to come soon.

Answered by: lostinlove on 1/5/09
MJ Acharya

Answer:

Hi lostinlove,

I really like that song btw. Air Supply, I believe?

It looks like you have received some very sound advice and I'm glad you have decided to move along and find someone that'll make you happier.

I just wanted to let you know that I had always wanted to write, but didn't know where to start. One day I started a blog, which led to a website for broken hearts, which led to a book, which led to my current job as an advertising copwriter (I have always worked in advertising, but was not confident enough in my writing skills to take the plunge into writing full time).

In any case, if you love to write, then why not start a blog writing about something you love and then go from there? You can start one for free at blogger.com or wordpress.com.

In any case, keep us updated. I just have a gut feeling that you're going to land on your feet.

Best,
MJ
Link

Answered by: MJ Acharya on 12/24/08
kristen

Answer:

Lost...you have Found yourself! Good for you and may this decision be a huge blessing on your life. I'm sure that there are times going forward that this will be hard, that you might second guess yourself but from all I've read here you are making a good choice for change...

Stay strong, and keep us posted on your life!

Answered by: kristen on 12/19/08
Brenda Della Casa

Answer:

I am flattered, Lost in Love but more than that, I am proud of you for standing up for your right to live your best life with someone you can trust and depend on by your side.

If you want to write I suggest you go for it! Every success starts with a dream and a desire and grows with hard work and passion. You can do anything you set your mind to and don't allow anyone to tell you otherwise, even you.

Brenda Della Casa
Link
Link

Answered by: Brenda Della Casa on 12/18/08
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