Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Beginnings, Not Endings

Though this might be a sad and tumultuous time in one’s life, a breakup can also be a time for self-discovery and reinvention. While major life changes are probably not a good idea in this vulnerable state, give free rein to the parts of yourself that were, perhaps, under wraps during the relationship. “Now when you’re actively, perhaps desperately, seeking something to lift you up, you are most open to new things,” says Covalt.

Some find taking a class they’ve put off, like salsa or scuba diving, helps them reconnect with themselves. Others do volunteer work or become a Big Sister or Big Brother. Putting another person’s happiness first is no longer a priority, so try to learn about yourself and explore your hidden talents. Covalt suggests asking, “What do I really want to do with my life?”

Five months after her fiancé left, Tammy E. fulfilled a long-suppressed dream of participating in an open mike night at a comedy club. “Rick never encouraged me to do something so risky. He was always saying, ‘Hey, people will laugh at you.’ Well, they laughed with me and it felt incredible. I’m not quitting my day job, but I am enrolling in a comedy class.”

While you don’t want to dwell on the past, there is no need to totally erase your ex from your heart. The relationship is part of your history. “Tell yourself there is a good reason this happened even though right now you don’t totally understand why,” Mandel says. “Look for the silver lining. The breakup has opened up space for something wonderful to happen.”

Jane P. says, “I stayed in a moribund relationship for two years out of fear of being on my own. When Paul walked out I thought the earth had stopped turning. But it turned out to be the best thing in the world for me. I saw that I could be on my own and be happy. And once I was grounded I met someone who truly took my breath away.”

Knowing the love you once shared with this person is still inside you can help mitigate the feeling of loss. You are never truly alone. The fact that you could feel so deeply for another means you can do so again. Erik says, “I’m learning my lesson, taking a deep breath, and letting myself feel gratitude for the time we had together, and anticipation for the joys ahead.”