Breaking Up is Hard to Do
Beginnings, Not Endings
Though this might be a sad and tumultuous time in one’s life, a breakup can also be a time for self-discovery and reinvention. While major life changes are probably not a good idea in this vulnerable state, give free rein to the parts of yourself that were, perhaps, under wraps during the relationship. “Now when you’re actively, perhaps desperately, seeking something to lift you up, you are most open to new things,” says Covalt.
Some find taking a class they’ve put off, like salsa or scuba diving, helps them reconnect with themselves. Others do volunteer work or become a Big Sister or Big Brother. Putting another person’s happiness first is no longer a priority, so try to learn about yourself and explore your hidden talents. Covalt suggests asking, “What do I really want to do with my life?”
Five months after her fiancé left, Tammy E. fulfilled a long-suppressed dream of participating in an open mike night at a comedy club. “Rick never encouraged me to do something so risky. He was always saying, ‘Hey, people will laugh at you.’ Well, they laughed with me and it felt incredible. I’m not quitting my day job, but I am enrolling in a comedy class.”
While you don’t want to dwell on the past, there is no need to totally erase your ex from your heart. The relationship is part of your history. “Tell yourself there is a good reason this happened even though right now you don’t totally understand why,” Mandel says. “Look for the silver lining. The breakup has opened up space for something wonderful to happen.”
Jane P. says, “I stayed in a moribund relationship for two years out of fear of being on my own. When Paul walked out I thought the earth had stopped turning. But it turned out to be the best thing in the world for me. I saw that I could be on my own and be happy. And once I was grounded I met someone who truly took my breath away.”
Knowing the love you once shared with this person is still inside you can help mitigate the feeling of loss. You are never truly alone. The fact that you could feel so deeply for another means you can do so again. Erik says, “I’m learning my lesson, taking a deep breath, and letting myself feel gratitude for the time we had together, and anticipation for the joys ahead.”
Great article:)
Thanks for this article. I was feeling low before I visited your site but now I feel much more empowered to face the situation that I am in.
great and well detailed article about the different phases in a break up and the positive outcome of a break up. Thanks and Merry Christmas : this is your Xmas gift to me : the best for now.
I guess for me, I had never been one to be in long relationships or let someone get close to me,So when i met her in January, i felt like i had met the one that i could be with forever, 5 great months,and then all fell apart,found out she wasnt really who i thought she was,she had many secrets..and well in the end..ends up i was just needed for a certain amount of time to get her to time in her life that she knew was coming when she met me..so for me to finally open up and lay my heart on the line, and to have it crushed like this..i did thing i would never get over it,i still struggle with it, i feel as if it will be awhile before i can even open myself up to even date someone again.
I think it does get easier everyday now, its more the pain of knowing i was giving her my all,and she was giving me what i wanted to hear and feel. All this from a person i would of given anything too.
My situation is pretty uniqe and that's why I can't seem to get over the pain and loss. In 1993 I met a woman who helped me out of a bad relationship. I am straight. She didn't quite know whether she was bi-sexual or straight. But she say she loved me very much and wanted a sexual relationship.. I didn't wanrt go there and said so. Believe it or not we lived together for 15 years, loving each other but celibate. I did date and have opportunities with men but dismissed them because I didn't want to leve her or to hurt her. This christmas, she told me she was done. she also said she was in love with a woman she'd met over the phone but had never met in person. She said she wanted a full love life and no longer loved me in any way but as a friend. She said she'd felt this way for ten yrs. but didn't have the courage to tell me. To make things worse, she controlled our finances. She worked in a field of high risk and when the bottom fell out of our economy her field literally dried up overnight. She made some very bad investments and lost everything we had. She literally forced me from our home because she was going through a huge transition and did not want me to witness that. Actually, she had some kind of break when the woman she fell for played her, filled her head with promises of enormous wealth and position through the position she offered in her company, then dropped her. Now, I am in my 60's and we have nothing. She is struggling to make some kind of money and promises she will make up for the pain and losses she's incurred. She said she can't be my friend now, but she may be some time in the future when she gets it together, She is 59 yrs old. I only wish I'd had some clue as to her real feelings so I could have planned my life better. But we always told each other we'd be with each other always. Foolishly, I believed her. I've had to move in with my daughter and I really do not want to be so dependent on anyone. I miss her terribly yet am very angry at the same time. I feel devastated by her loss, and the loss of all I worked for. Moreover, I am embarrassed and ashamed to be in this position. I live on $1,000. Soc. Sec. per month and cannot think what I can do to earn more money. Also, I feel so depressed and emotionally deflated that it is an effort just to walk my dog each day. Any advice for me will be much appreciated.