Breaking Up is Hard to Do
Breaking Up Was Your Idea?
If you initiated the breakup, you are probably not thrilled with the idea of rejecting someone. Once the deed is done the hard part is over, so the next 30 days shouldn’t be difficult, right? Marni Kamins disagrees. She explains that people who initiate the breakup often feel a sense of guilt afterwards.
“You might experience seller’s remorse,” Kamins says. “You wonder if you made a mistake. Maybe you’ll never meet anyone more suited. You begin to distrust your own judgment.”
Rather than attempting to suppress these feelings, make an effort to reach out to friends for moral support and to remind yourself why you made this decision in the first place.
Consequently, if your ex begs to see you “as a friend” or perhaps for no-strings sex, explain that is not a good idea (even if the offer is tempting). Don’t undo the hard work of moving on you’ve already completed. Limit contact with your ex to conversations that are unavoidable, like splitting of shared possessions or assets.
While you may feel ready to start dating, give yourself a breather. Look at why you were in the relationship in the first place. Kamins says, “Men—especially after a breakup—tend to rush into a new relationship, thinking that will make them feel better. It is more helpful to acknowledge they’ve suffered a loss.”
“The sooner they go through the process of mourning, the quicker they’ll get to the other side,” Kamins adds. “Since it’s hard for guys to talk to one another, they should reach out to a platonic female friend. Or else talk to a therapist. If money is an issue, consider a local non-profit counseling center that offers sliding scales.”
Thanks for this article. I was feeling low before I visited your site but now I feel much more empowered to face the situation that I am in.
great and well detailed article about the different phases in a break up and the positive outcome of a break up. Thanks and Merry Christmas : this is your Xmas gift to me : the best for now.
I guess for me, I had never been one to be in long relationships or let someone get close to me,So when i met her in January, i felt like i had met the one that i could be with forever, 5 great months,and then all fell apart,found out she wasnt really who i thought she was,she had many secrets..and well in the end..ends up i was just needed for a certain amount of time to get her to time in her life that she knew was coming when she met me..so for me to finally open up and lay my heart on the line, and to have it crushed like this..i did thing i would never get over it,i still struggle with it, i feel as if it will be awhile before i can even open myself up to even date someone again.
I think it does get easier everyday now, its more the pain of knowing i was giving her my all,and she was giving me what i wanted to hear and feel. All this from a person i would of given anything too.
My situation is pretty uniqe and that's why I can't seem to get over the pain and loss. In 1993 I met a woman who helped me out of a bad relationship. I am straight. She didn't quite know whether she was bi-sexual or straight. But she say she loved me very much and wanted a sexual relationship.. I didn't wanrt go there and said so. Believe it or not we lived together for 15 years, loving each other but celibate. I did date and have opportunities with men but dismissed them because I didn't want to leve her or to hurt her. This christmas, she told me she was done. she also said she was in love with a woman she'd met over the phone but had never met in person. She said she wanted a full love life and no longer loved me in any way but as a friend. She said she'd felt this way for ten yrs. but didn't have the courage to tell me. To make things worse, she controlled our finances. She worked in a field of high risk and when the bottom fell out of our economy her field literally dried up overnight. She made some very bad investments and lost everything we had. She literally forced me from our home because she was going through a huge transition and did not want me to witness that. Actually, she had some kind of break when the woman she fell for played her, filled her head with promises of enormous wealth and position through the position she offered in her company, then dropped her. Now, I am in my 60's and we have nothing. She is struggling to make some kind of money and promises she will make up for the pain and losses she's incurred. She said she can't be my friend now, but she may be some time in the future when she gets it together, She is 59 yrs old. I only wish I'd had some clue as to her real feelings so I could have planned my life better. But we always told each other we'd be with each other always. Foolishly, I believed her. I've had to move in with my daughter and I really do not want to be so dependent on anyone. I miss her terribly yet am very angry at the same time. I feel devastated by her loss, and the loss of all I worked for. Moreover, I am embarrassed and ashamed to be in this position. I live on $1,000. Soc. Sec. per month and cannot think what I can do to earn more money. Also, I feel so depressed and emotionally deflated that it is an effort just to walk my dog each day. Any advice for me will be much appreciated.
You may have just saved my sanity more than any therapist. I have had two people this week, who care about me, try to tell me how foolish I have been for having strong feelings related to the end of a relationship that they don't understand. It damaged an already painful situation for me to have others challenge the wisdom of what my heart is feeling. Having the information in your column has comforted me immensely and allows me to move forward with the grieving process and the overall view of the experience. Thank you!