Breaking Up is Hard to Do
Deconstructing Heartbreak
Just because the relationship is over doesn’t mean it had no worth. “Most often you can extract the good parts from your relationship,” Rubin says. “Over time you can honor these things and recognize the parts that didn’t fit. To cast off the whole relationship is an obvious reaction, but not a positive one.”
Andrew T. realized his ex had taught him valuable lifestyle lessons he didn’t want to lose with the relationship’s demise. “When my live-in girlfriend moved out after two years together, I was devastated. She was more organized in our home than I had been, and I’d gotten used to knowing where things were,” Andrew says. “After she left, without missing a beat I continued the work of keeping things neat. It gave me a constructive project, and I would have felt so much less capable of standing on my own two feet if I’d let my place degenerate into a pigsty the minute Becky left. For the same reason I continued our habit of eating healthy meals instead of running to McDonalds.”
In order to progress past the breakup, it’s helpful to go back and figure out what worked, what didn’t and why. In your future relationships, you can take this knowledge and build on what you think worked, while trying to eliminate the issues that made the relationship fail.
Clearing through what was good and what was bad in the relationship may help people avoid hating their former partners. Rubin says, “To seek to gain clarity is a constructive challenge. What did this person represent to you? Were you clinging to him [or her] because [that person] represented some picture of where you thought you should be at this stage?”
Ernesto D. initially fell into a tailspin after the breakup of his one-year relationship. “Facing the truth isn’t always pretty; nor is it fun,” he says. “But I figured I could be miserable and question myself (and) my integrity, and wind up asking myself a series of circular questions like, ‘If I hadn’t done that, would she not have left?’ Or I could get out of my bed and really look at what happened, see the reasons for the breakup, accept them and ultimately move on.”
Two weeks into the breakup he charted out a romantic resume, writing out highlights and lowlights of his three most important relationships. “I realized I always chose women who constantly criticized me. I was never good enough. But I also realized that I often displayed selfish behavior—like twice my ex asked me to go with her to family functions. And I refused and stayed home to watch football.”
Seeing his patterns spelled out so clearly helped him realize his romantic strengths and how to overcome his weaknesses.
Great article:)
Thanks for this article. I was feeling low before I visited your site but now I feel much more empowered to face the situation that I am in.
great and well detailed article about the different phases in a break up and the positive outcome of a break up. Thanks and Merry Christmas : this is your Xmas gift to me : the best for now.
I guess for me, I had never been one to be in long relationships or let someone get close to me,So when i met her in January, i felt like i had met the one that i could be with forever, 5 great months,and then all fell apart,found out she wasnt really who i thought she was,she had many secrets..and well in the end..ends up i was just needed for a certain amount of time to get her to time in her life that she knew was coming when she met me..so for me to finally open up and lay my heart on the line, and to have it crushed like this..i did thing i would never get over it,i still struggle with it, i feel as if it will be awhile before i can even open myself up to even date someone again.
I think it does get easier everyday now, its more the pain of knowing i was giving her my all,and she was giving me what i wanted to hear and feel. All this from a person i would of given anything too.
My situation is pretty uniqe and that's why I can't seem to get over the pain and loss. In 1993 I met a woman who helped me out of a bad relationship. I am straight. She didn't quite know whether she was bi-sexual or straight. But she say she loved me very much and wanted a sexual relationship.. I didn't wanrt go there and said so. Believe it or not we lived together for 15 years, loving each other but celibate. I did date and have opportunities with men but dismissed them because I didn't want to leve her or to hurt her. This christmas, she told me she was done. she also said she was in love with a woman she'd met over the phone but had never met in person. She said she wanted a full love life and no longer loved me in any way but as a friend. She said she'd felt this way for ten yrs. but didn't have the courage to tell me. To make things worse, she controlled our finances. She worked in a field of high risk and when the bottom fell out of our economy her field literally dried up overnight. She made some very bad investments and lost everything we had. She literally forced me from our home because she was going through a huge transition and did not want me to witness that. Actually, she had some kind of break when the woman she fell for played her, filled her head with promises of enormous wealth and position through the position she offered in her company, then dropped her. Now, I am in my 60's and we have nothing. She is struggling to make some kind of money and promises she will make up for the pain and losses she's incurred. She said she can't be my friend now, but she may be some time in the future when she gets it together, She is 59 yrs old. I only wish I'd had some clue as to her real feelings so I could have planned my life better. But we always told each other we'd be with each other always. Foolishly, I believed her. I've had to move in with my daughter and I really do not want to be so dependent on anyone. I miss her terribly yet am very angry at the same time. I feel devastated by her loss, and the loss of all I worked for. Moreover, I am embarrassed and ashamed to be in this position. I live on $1,000. Soc. Sec. per month and cannot think what I can do to earn more money. Also, I feel so depressed and emotionally deflated that it is an effort just to walk my dog each day. Any advice for me will be much appreciated.