Breaking Up is Hard to Do

A technique to help reassert control is to try as much as possible to contain your pain to discrete periods. Give yourself permission to wail, moan, stew and obsess, but at specified times. You control the outbursts, instead of being victimized by them. Since you’ll still need to work, pay bills and live your life, knowing you have a meltdown scheduled at 10 p.m. can help you get through a long, torturous day. But allow yourself mini-meltdowns as needed, if you need to run to the bathroom or take quick, calming walks around the block during which you can tell yourself, “OK, in a few hours I can full-out collapse.”

“Over the course of the first 30 days, gradually decrease the amount of pining you allow yourself,” says Debra Mandel, Ph.D., author of Healing the Sensitive Heart. One way to achieve this is to literally imagine a stop sign in your head when you begin to think about the breakup. You can also do something enjoyable like calling a supportive friend or reading a book. Eventually, feeling bad every two minutes will turn into once every two hours. You will eventually be ready to head down your new path.

Canceling the Self-Pity Party

Being open to the pain of a breakup doesn’t mean you should wallow in it. You may prefer to be isolated right now. Instead, seek the guidance of your trusted support system. Allow them to coddle and compliment you, offering reminders of all the reasons you are imminently lovable. Sometimes hearing heartfelt kind words is enough to bring anyone out of that breakup funk.

Having a few core people available who will listen to the sobs and rants and take your 2 a.m. phone call can be an invaluable crutch. But you don’t want to remain dependent for too long—the goal is to get back on your feet. “Tell your support team, ‘Give me a few weeks of open arms where I can just feel and emote,’” Mandel advises. “Then start getting back to regular life.’”

It is important to take care of your most basic needs. Try to maintain a healthy diet, exercise regularly and get sufficient sleep. After that, pick a healing activity for yourself, such as taking a yoga class, running on the beach or watching a funny movie. Jane F., who suffered a rocky period after her partner of five years walked out, recalls, “At moments when I yearned to stuff my face or open a bottle of wine, instead I painted a watercolor. The act of being creative and pro-active felt so empowering. Three years later I’m still painting.”