Breaking Up is Hard to Do
A technique to help reassert control is to try as much as possible to contain your pain to discrete periods. Give yourself permission to wail, moan, stew and obsess, but at specified times. You control the outbursts, instead of being victimized by them. Since you’ll still need to work, pay bills and live your life, knowing you have a meltdown scheduled at 10 p.m. can help you get through a long, torturous day. But allow yourself mini-meltdowns as needed, if you need to run to the bathroom or take quick, calming walks around the block during which you can tell yourself, “OK, in a few hours I can full-out collapse.”
“Over the course of the first 30 days, gradually decrease the amount of pining you allow yourself,” says Debra Mandel, Ph.D., author of Healing the Sensitive Heart. One way to achieve this is to literally imagine a stop sign in your head when you begin to think about the breakup. You can also do something enjoyable like calling a supportive friend or reading a book. Eventually, feeling bad every two minutes will turn into once every two hours. You will eventually be ready to head down your new path.
Canceling the Self-Pity Party
Being open to the pain of a breakup doesn’t mean you should wallow in it. You may prefer to be isolated right now. Instead, seek the guidance of your trusted support system. Allow them to coddle and compliment you, offering reminders of all the reasons you are imminently lovable. Sometimes hearing heartfelt kind words is enough to bring anyone out of that breakup funk.
Having a few core people available who will listen to the sobs and rants and take your 2 a.m. phone call can be an invaluable crutch. But you don’t want to remain dependent for too long—the goal is to get back on your feet. “Tell your support team, ‘Give me a few weeks of open arms where I can just feel and emote,’” Mandel advises. “Then start getting back to regular life.’”
It is important to take care of your most basic needs. Try to maintain a healthy diet, exercise regularly and get sufficient sleep. After that, pick a healing activity for yourself, such as taking a yoga class, running on the beach or watching a funny movie. Jane F., who suffered a rocky period after her partner of five years walked out, recalls, “At moments when I yearned to stuff my face or open a bottle of wine, instead I painted a watercolor. The act of being creative and pro-active felt so empowering. Three years later I’m still painting.”
Great article:)
Thanks for this article. I was feeling low before I visited your site but now I feel much more empowered to face the situation that I am in.
great and well detailed article about the different phases in a break up and the positive outcome of a break up. Thanks and Merry Christmas : this is your Xmas gift to me : the best for now.
I guess for me, I had never been one to be in long relationships or let someone get close to me,So when i met her in January, i felt like i had met the one that i could be with forever, 5 great months,and then all fell apart,found out she wasnt really who i thought she was,she had many secrets..and well in the end..ends up i was just needed for a certain amount of time to get her to time in her life that she knew was coming when she met me..so for me to finally open up and lay my heart on the line, and to have it crushed like this..i did thing i would never get over it,i still struggle with it, i feel as if it will be awhile before i can even open myself up to even date someone again.
I think it does get easier everyday now, its more the pain of knowing i was giving her my all,and she was giving me what i wanted to hear and feel. All this from a person i would of given anything too.
My situation is pretty uniqe and that's why I can't seem to get over the pain and loss. In 1993 I met a woman who helped me out of a bad relationship. I am straight. She didn't quite know whether she was bi-sexual or straight. But she say she loved me very much and wanted a sexual relationship.. I didn't wanrt go there and said so. Believe it or not we lived together for 15 years, loving each other but celibate. I did date and have opportunities with men but dismissed them because I didn't want to leve her or to hurt her. This christmas, she told me she was done. she also said she was in love with a woman she'd met over the phone but had never met in person. She said she wanted a full love life and no longer loved me in any way but as a friend. She said she'd felt this way for ten yrs. but didn't have the courage to tell me. To make things worse, she controlled our finances. She worked in a field of high risk and when the bottom fell out of our economy her field literally dried up overnight. She made some very bad investments and lost everything we had. She literally forced me from our home because she was going through a huge transition and did not want me to witness that. Actually, she had some kind of break when the woman she fell for played her, filled her head with promises of enormous wealth and position through the position she offered in her company, then dropped her. Now, I am in my 60's and we have nothing. She is struggling to make some kind of money and promises she will make up for the pain and losses she's incurred. She said she can't be my friend now, but she may be some time in the future when she gets it together, She is 59 yrs old. I only wish I'd had some clue as to her real feelings so I could have planned my life better. But we always told each other we'd be with each other always. Foolishly, I believed her. I've had to move in with my daughter and I really do not want to be so dependent on anyone. I miss her terribly yet am very angry at the same time. I feel devastated by her loss, and the loss of all I worked for. Moreover, I am embarrassed and ashamed to be in this position. I live on $1,000. Soc. Sec. per month and cannot think what I can do to earn more money. Also, I feel so depressed and emotionally deflated that it is an effort just to walk my dog each day. Any advice for me will be much appreciated.