Posts tagged with ‘personal growth’

Saying Goodbye So You Can Say Hello

Sometimes in life we have to make tough choices if we want to grow and live the life we know we are meant to live. We may have to give up a part of ourselves that we have grown comfortable with, even if we know that it isn’t the self we want to bring on our journey.

I was watching Peter Walsh’s decluttering show the other day on the OWN Network, and I love his approach to physical clutter. He first has you create a vision for your room. Then you only bring in the things that reflect that vision. Everything else has to go. I was thinking that this system could also be applied to mental and emotional clutter.

Let’s try this exercise together:
Think of the person you strive to be: your best self.

Now create a vision for this new self.

How do you look (e.g., peaceful, radiant, rested)
What do you think about (e.g., the present moment, happy and positive things)?
What kind of friends do you surround yourself with (e.g., supportive, nurturing)?
How do you spend your days (e.g., reflecting, laughing)
What else can you visualize about this new self?
Take some time with this and get as specific as you can.
Write it all down, and then hang it up where you will see it frequently.
Once you are clear on your vision, you can start the process of decluttering all of the emotions, thoughts, activities, friends, etc. that no longer fit into your current vision.

This can be a painful process, and change can be hard.
If you keep your vision at the forefront, though, and remind yourself that in order to grow into the person you know you can be, you will need to let go of the person you have become. (At least parts of you.)

It’s your rebirth – and it’s a beautiful thing!

Goodbye to you.
And hello to you.

Jodi Chapman writes Soul Speak – a daily blog that focuses on seeing life through a lens of gratitude and positivity. She is the bestselling author of the Soulful Journals series – writing-prompt journals that help you go within and get to know yourself better. She is also the author of the upcoming book, Go For It: Get Out There and Start Living! She believes that our thoughts become our reality, and our actions lead us to our dreams. She is happily married to her best friend and co-writer, Dan Teck. They live in southern Oregon with their four fuzzy kids. www.soulspeakbyjodi.com

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Jodi Chapman on August 11th, 2011 in Uncategorized | No comments Read related posts in change, life lessons, personal growth

It’s Okay to Ask for Help

How do you feel about asking other people for help?

I’ve noticed that many of us, myself included, get a little funny about requesting support. While we’re all different and we each have our own unique perspective, reaction, and process as it relates to reaching out to others, it seems that this can be quite a tricky exercise for most of the people I know and work with.

I have somewhat of a bi-polar relationship to asking for help myself. I can definitely be a “lone ranger” at times and often, especially when I feel stressed or pressured, try to do everything myself – either because I feel insecure about asking for support or because I self righteously think that I’m the only one who can do it the “right” way. On the other hand, I can sometimes be quite pushy, forceful, and presumptuous with my requests (aka demands) of support (or so I’ve been told). Ah, to be human!

However, as I’ve also experienced personally and seen in others many times throughout my life and in my work, there is a beautiful place of balance between going it all alone and demanding help from others in an obnoxious way. This all stems from our ability to genuinely ask for and graciously receive the support of other people. The irony of this whole phenomenon is that most of us love to help others, while many of us have a hard time asking others for help ourselves.

Requesting support can often make us feel vulnerable. We usually think (somewhat erroneously) that we should be able to do everything ourselves or that by admitting we need help, we are somehow being weak. In addition, many of us are sensitive about being told “no” and by asking others to help us we put ourselves out there and risk being rejected.

What if we had more freedom to ask for what we wanted and for specific support from other people? What if we could make requests in a confident, humble, and empowering way? What if we remembered that we are worthy of other people’s help and that our ability to both ask for and receive it not only supports us, but also gives them an opportunity to contribute (which most people really want to do).

It still might be a little scary, we may get our feelings hurt from time to time, and on occasion people may have some opinions or reactions to what we ask for or how we do so. But, when we give ourselves permission and remind ourselves that it’s not only okay, but essential for us to ask for help – we can create a true sense of support and empowerment in our lives and in our relationships!

Here are a few things we can do to have more freedom and confidence when asking for help.

1) Make Genuine Requests, without Attachment. A “genuine” request can be accepted or declined, without any consequence. In other words, if we get really upset when someone says “no” to us, not only were we attached to the outcome, it probably wasn’t a real request to begin with (it was a demand). When we ask for what we want, without being attached to the response, we have more freedom to ask and ultimately our chances of getting what we want are greatly increased.

2) Be Easy To Support. There are some specific things we can do to make it easier to support us. Such as:

- Be open to the coaching and feedback of others
- Thank people for their support
- Let people do things to support us in their own unique way instead of micro-managing them (this one is often tough for me)
- Allow people’s support when it is offered

3) Give Your Support to Others Generously. When we put our attention on supporting other people, the universe has a way of returning the favor. It may or may not always come back to us from the people we help specifically, and that’s okay. We want to do our best not to “keep score,” as many of us often do, but instead to look for opportunities to genuinely help those around us. When we do this, we remind ourselves of the power of support and we experience it as the true “win-win” it is.

Mike Robbins is a sought-after motivational keynote speaker, coach, and the bestselling author of Focus on the Good Stuff (Wiley) and Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken (Wiley). More info – www.Mike-Robbins.com

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Mike Robbins on February 1st, 2011 in Uncategorized | No comments Read related posts in appreciation, authenticity, gratitude, Mike Robbins, motivational speaker, personal growth, requests, support, vulnerability

Effort Is not a Dirty Word – Five Big Pay-offs that Make it Worth Your While

“Lose 10 pounds in 10 days — without diet or exercise!” “Win the lottery, live a life of ease!” “Click here to meet the man of your dreams!

Poof! Just like that, we’re rich, thin, in love and, presumably, happy. Except, we’re not.

And yet, each time we fall for – or are at least tempted by — the lure of the quick fix because we want to believe that we can have it all, instantly, without breaking a sweat.

Why We Avoid Effort
Just like Charlie Brown believing that, this time, Lucy will hold the football so he can kick it, you’d think we’d know better by now. So why are we so attached to the illusion of gliding through life, no effort required?

Well, for one, changing the status quo means we have to leave the familiar comfort of inertia. We have to acknowledge that there is no quick fix and whatever we want to achieve is going to require time and energy.

Next, there’s the discomfort of uncertainty: the nature of effort requires that we persist without a guarantee of success or that we’ll even get the result we’re striving for. We might even, ugh, make mistakes. Not committing full effort provides a handy fall back: “Well, I could have done it if I had really been trying.”

Then there are those who believe in the power of talent — that you either have natural ability or you don’t and there’s not much point in making an effort if you’re not naturally gifted.

Finally, effort is not glamorous; typically, it involves the mundanity of repetition and attention to detail. And in our highly automated, consumerist culture, where the media depicts models looking vaguely bored and above it all, it’s simply not cool to look like you’re trying that hard.

Why Effort Is Worth It
Before you settle back into the couch with your remote though, let me point out a few things that make effort worthwhile.

Effort gives life meaning. In her book, Mindset: The Psychology of Success, psychologist Carol Dweck says: “Effort means you care about something, that something is important to you and you are willing to work for it. It would be an impoverished existence if you were not willing to value things and commit yourself to working toward them.” (For those of you wondering about the meaning of life, there it is.)

Effort forges connection. That’s what Boing Boing founder Mark Frauenfelder and his family thought. Suffering post dot-com bubble burnout, they set out to cut through the absurd chaos of materialistic modern life and find a path that was simple, direct, and clear. In his book Made by Hand: Searching for Meaning in a Throwaway World, Frauenfelder tells the story of keeping chickens in his own remote-controlled chicken coop, making a guitar out of a cigar box and keeping his own bees. The reward for their self-induced labors? Greater perceived value and lasting enjoyment.

Effort trumps talent. Benjamin Barber, an eminent sociologist, once said: “I don’t divide the world into the weak and the strong, or the successes and the failures… I divide the world into the learners and non-learners.”

A growth mindset – the commitment to stretching beyond where you currently are — is, in fact, what matters more than natural ability, says Daniel Coyle, author of The Talent Code. It’s what drives desire and creates “the energy that fuels the engine of skill acquisition.”

Effort is essential for mastery. Despite our cultural bias toward instant gratification, there’s no way to reach a high level of excellence — in anything — without hours of effort. Want an exact number? In his latest book Outliers: The Story of Success, Malcolm Gladwell says that “10,000 hours of practice is required to achieve the level of mastery associated with being a world-class expert. In study after study, of composers, basketball players, fiction writers, ice skaters, concert pianists, chess players, master criminals, and what have you, this number comes up again and again.”

Effort leads to flow. Although a state of flow is often associated with a feeling of effortlessness, initially it requires focused effort to get there. But, once in the flow, you can enjoy an activity for its own sake, without regard for any external rewards it might bring. Daniel Chambliss, author of Champions: The Making of Olympic Swimmers, notes: “The very features of the sport that the “C” swimmer finds unpleasant, the top-level swimmer enjoys. What others see as boring — swimming back and forth over a black line for two hours, say — they find peaceful, even meditative, often challenging, or therapeutic.”

Growth, mastery and meaning: Sounds to me like an excellent return on investment.

For more information on Peak Performance and Flow, visit Renita’s website, In the Flow Coaching.

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Renita Kalhorn on July 24th, 2010 in New Directions | No comments Read related posts in change, effort, mastery, patterns, peak performance, personal change, personal growth, strategy

Your life priorities can guide you in your choices about your personal style

Creating a polished and successful image goes a lot deeper than outward appearances. Something happens when you put on the perfect clothes for your body type, coloring and lifestyle. As a stylist, I witness client transformations and success first hand as they learn how to redefine their outward image. Here is an example of someone who knew instinctively that it was time to make change.

A dot.com client was in the process of launching his new venture and also searching for companionship and love. After spending several months in the isolation of product creation, it was time for him to step out into the world and unveil his product and himself as a successful entrepreneur. Mike wanted to create an image that reflected how he now perceived himself and his new venture. He was, in essence, redefining himself as a confident professional and self-sufficient entrepreneur.

After clearing out his old wardrobe and making room for the new, he began learning what to he could wear to portray his new image and lifestyle. After learning to apply the principles we had discussed during our image sessions, he wrote,

“I realized I had . . . been wasting gobs of money on clothes that weren’t making me look better. Not only do I now have a wardrobe full of clothes that are flattering, I also have the knowledge to make more savvy purchases . . . [and] my new girlfriend (who was a runway model for Ralph Lauren) has complimented me on my fashion sense more than once.”

For Mike, wearing the right clothes went deeper than just looking good and saving money. His wardrobe has bolstered his confidence and given him courage to pursue his dreams with no holds barred. Who wouldn’t want to proclaim that his girlfriend was a model for Ralph Lauren? With the right wardrobe and understanding a few basic principles about how to dress to enhance his image, he now has the confidence to present himself and his new business boldly to the world.

What is the life that you wish to create? Do you want to be physically fit or more successful? Maybe your goal is to find a life partner or become more adventuresome? Get clear on the current top priorities for your life. These will guide you in your choices about your personal style.

This is an excerpt from the new book How to Master Your Muck.

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Kathi Burns on March 2nd, 2010 in Career, New Directions, Personal Stories, Things We Love, Uncategorized | No comments Read related posts in clothes, image, men, persona, personal, personal growth, personal improvement, priorities, style, vlotjing, wardrobe

Clutter and Muck Can Sabotage Your Efforts to Make Change

Adding space and clearing the muck in your life can bring forth powerful changes. You might think the pile of papers on your kitchen counter is nothing more than a pile of papers.

Once you create order and clear them away, you might begin to realize that your bills are being paid more promptly or perhaps, your arguments with your spouse have suddenly subsided. With less late fees or more martial harmony, you will feel more confidant to pursue a new hobby or career.

Clutter and muck are sneaky saboteurs. Making one seemingly small and insignificant change in your life can bring about a profound shift that will benefit your life in ways you can never imagine. You will inevitably change your relationship with change.

Whatever you happen to be stuck in, there are tried, tested and true methods that you can use to get unstuck. Take action and clear some clutter from any area in your life.

With every small change I know that you will become more inspired and your creativity will blossom. You will flourish and find the time to do the things in your life that you really want to do. When you clear your muck and develop systems, you will have more time to see your priorities clearly and create the change towards a life that truly fulfills and inspires you.

Posted by Kathi Burns on February 5th, 2010 in Career, General, New Directions | No comments Read related posts in action, change, clutter, getting organized, Organizing, personal change, personal growth, unstuck

What to Focus on in 2010

Here’s a great list for the new year.

1. Instead of wanting to be right, be kind
2. Instead of focusing on what you did wrong or what is worth being upset about, focus on all that is right
3. Instead of looking at what has changed, look at what hasn’t changed
4. Instead of coming to the end of another day and being obsessed with what was terrible, find what you can be grateful for
5. Instead of feeling out of control, find ways to trust more
6. Instead of saying mean things to yourself over and over, choose to take control of your inner voice and create a loving inner dialogue with yourself
7. Instead of letting an excuse rule your life, make this the year that you step into your power and see how limiting that excuse has been
8. Instead of comparing yourself to someone else and making yourself feel small, ask yourself, am I better than my 2009 self? Am I improving compared to me?

Anyone of these commitments will radically alter your upcoming year. Choose one from the list above. Then choose another. In times of intense change, transition and crises, our dominant emotions come out even more strongly. We need to take control of what we are focusing on, especially when our attention is constantly being taken away by the media, news, pessimists and so on. This year, you choose what to focus on. Remember, you will get more of what you focus on. You will attract that which you give your attention and energy to. Put out the energy you want more of.

Posted by Ariane de Bonvoisin on January 10th, 2010 in Ariane, New Directions | No comments Read related posts in personal growth

Work with Your Brain for Lasting Change

It’s that time of year again. New Year’s resolutions.

Experts tell us that fewer than 10% of us make resolutions that stick. Is it because we don’t really want to change? I don’t think so. It’s because most of us have not been taught how to change. We don’t know how to get our brains on our side. A few basics from brain science can really help.

Practice Makes Permanent
To bring new behavior into being takes work. Our brains have enormous “plasticity,” meaning they can create new cells and pathways. But our brains create strong tendencies to do the same thing over and over. Here’s why: The brain cells that fire together wire together. Meaning, they have a strong tendency to run the same program the next time. That’s why lasting change takes lots of practice. You’ve got to create a pathway to the new options. (This lasts six to nine months, say many brain scientists–so much for those seven-day wonder programs.) The process is not about getting rid of bad habits—the pathway to your current behavior is there for life, baby—but building new, more positive ones. Even stopping doing something, like procrastinating, is really about creating a good new habit, starting sooner.

The lack of brain hardwiring is also why you’ve got to put external reminders in place, at least in the beginning. Unless you have a trigger from the outside—an email reminder, a buddy–it’s very likely you’ll keep defaulting to the old behavior because it’s automatic. That’s also why it’s so important to be willing to start over no matter how often you blow it or get discouraged.

Most of us are also not concrete enough about what we want and unrealistic about what we can reasonably ask ourselves to learn. Here’s what an executive client of mine said he wanted to learn in three months: “to be more positive with my people, to be more creative and productive, to take better care of myself.” “How about create world peace while you’re at it?” I replied. “And what does “more” mean anyway? Even if it were possible to focus on all of this in that time frame, how will you know if you are more of any of these things?”

As this client demonstrated, we expect too much of ourselves and we expect to change overnight. When that doesn’t happen, we resign ourselves to staying the same, convinced that we are hopeless, weak, or unmotivated, which makes us even more stuck.

To truly change requires three things: desire, intent, and persistence. You have to identify what you desire enough to be willing to stick to it, make SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time-bound), “leave the computer at the office and don’t look at the Blackberry after 9:00” rather than “having more balance,” and not turn goof ups into give ups.

Get the Bunny on Your Side
We have more than one brain involved in change. One is our neocortex, our “thinking brain.” That’s what we use to decide what change we want to make. But we also have an emotional brain, the amygdala, that we share with all mammals. This is the brain concerned with feelings, instincts, eating, fighting, and sexual behavior. The emotional brain isn’t very smart. Think bunny rabbit or squirrel. It understands “pleasant” or “painful,” and “safe” or “danger.” It propels us toward pleasure and away from pain. That’s why we so often “sabotage” ourselves—our emotional brain overrides what our thinking brain has decided in favor of immediate pleasure or perceived safety.

If you are serious about succeeding with your resolution, this information is crucial. You’ve got to get your emotions on your side. We create lasting change not because it makes sense to do so from the perspective of our thoughts—I should go to the gym—but by engaging our feelings—it’s going to feel fabulous to be thinner. If the change seems too scary, too hard, or no fun, your emotional brain is going to work against it. And because the bunny doesn’t have a long-term memory, you’ve got to keep the feeling reason alive every day! For instance, I helped a guy stop smoking permanently by having him put pictures of Hawaiian beaches in his office, car and house because his feeling reason to stop was to live long enough to retire to a beach in Hawaii.
Armed with these brain basics, you can create lasting change and become a greater master of your fate rather than the victim of old choices. How’s that for a Happy New Year?

—M.J. Ryan is an executive coach and the author of THIS YEAR I WILL…How to Finally Change a Habit, Keep a Resolution or Make a Dream Come True. Go to her website (www.mj-ryan.com) for more help.

Posted by MJ Ryan on December 19th, 2009 in New Directions | No comments Read related posts in personal growth

Go Deep

For quite some time I’ve had a self-righteous judgment that most people in our culture are way too shallow. I find myself regularly annoyed at what I consider to be a lack of depth around me—in the media, in politics, in business, in my industry, and even in my family and many of my personal relationships. As is often the case with most of our self-righteous opinions, however, this judgment (as has become crystal clear to me recently) is really all about me and my own lack of depth, not about everyone else.

I’ve noticed that while I might “talk a good game” about going deep, I really have quite a bit of fear and resistance to it. Real depth often seems hard, scary, time consuming, challenging, messy, uncomfortable, embarrassing, intense, negative, painful, vulnerable, and more. It’s much easier for me to stay busy, keep things on the surface, and pretend to live my life with a real sense of depth, than it is for me to actually go deep myself.

I remember years ago when my counselor Chris said to me, “Mike, all of your power in life is trapped inside of your pain. In order to retrieve your power, you’re going to have to confront and heal your own pain. Everyone has pain. Most people simply aren’t willing to deal with it and don’t know how to heal it.”

While the wisdom and truth of Chris’ words resonated with me back then, and even more so today, I find myself often avoiding my pain, covering it up, and pretending that “it’s no big deal.” (I’m wondering if you can relate?)

However, think of the power, freedom, and liberation we experience when we actually do go deep, get real, and address our own pain. While it’s usually scary and difficult at first, we’re almost always glad that we did. And, as I’ve been learning more and more these days, if we truly want to live a life of authenticity and fulfillment, we can’t run and hide from our pain—we have to face it. As some deep pain in my own life (and from my past) has been showing up lately, instead of judging it as “bad” (which is what I usually do), I’m choosing to see it as an opportunity to go deeper, to heal, and to grow (even though it doesn’t feel so good).

When we think about the most important aspects of our lives, and the most significant people around us, having a real sense of depth and truth is what most of us want. Living our lives, having relationships, and doing our work in a way that has real meaning and value to us won’t happen on the surface, it takes place at a very deep level.

While many of us crave an expanded level of depth and authenticity in our lives, work, and relationships—it’s not always easy for us to create. Our culture doesn’t often encourage depth, we each have our own versions of fear and resistance to it, and in some cases we simply aren’t willing or interested in going there or doing what it takes to keep things real.

However, most of the people I know and work with, including myself, long for enhanced strength and an empowering environment that encourages them to go deep.

Here are a few things you can do to expand your capacity for depth:

1) Tell the Truth—Be honest about your own willingness, ability, or difficulty with going deep. It may be something you long for, but resist. You may avoid doing and saying things at a certain levels. You may not be all that interested in going any deeper right now in your life. You may be totally comfortable with depth and simply looking for ways to go even deeper. Or, you may be some combination of these things or others. Whatever the case may be for you at this point in your life and evolution, as with many things—by telling the truth to yourself and others about where you are, you can start from an authentic place and begin to deepen your experience (if that is what you choose to do).

2) Find People to Support You—Search out and attract people into you life who can help you deepen your journey. For many people, like me, going deep can be scary, vulnerable, and challenging. It often helps to have people around you who you trust and you know will hang in there with you. Whether it’s a coach, counselor, friend, mentor, family member, support group, spouse, or anyone else. We all need encouragement, feedback, witnessing, support, and even challenging and pushing to go deeper in our lives and with our growth. One of the biggest paradoxes of personal growth is that while it’s always about our own personal journey and evolution, so often we can’t do it as effectively or as deeply without the help of other people.

3) Surrender—Let go and trust! Being able to surrender is an essential aspect of life, growth, and depth. Surrendering is a big one for me and is something I continue to both struggle with and learn about each and every day. When we try to control everything (and everyone) in our lives, we limit our ability to grow and our capacity for depth and authenticity. Trust, which is fundamental to this process, is a real leap of faith that is important for us to take as we expand our ability to go deep and live our lives the way we truly want. When we surrender to the journey, mystery, and magic of life, we allow ourselves to learn, grow, and deepen in new and exciting ways that we didn’t even realize were possible.

Going deep is not always the easiest thing for us to do in life, but it’s what most of us truly want at some level. When we’re willing to tell the truth, get support, and surrender to life in an empowering way, we tap into a place of deep authenticity and in so doing can liberate ourselves from struggle, suffering, and avoidance.

Mike Robbins is a sought-after motivational keynote speaker, coach, and the bestselling author of Focus on the Good Stuff (Wiley) and Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken (Wiley). For more info, check out his web site.

Posted by Mike Robbins on October 28th, 2009 in New Directions | No comments Read related posts in empowerment, personal growth