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Listen to Your Inner Critic

Rob, a client of mine (though not his real name), recently took a one-week vacation from work, a much-needed break from a highly stressful, fast-paced corporate environment. Upon his return, one of his colleagues welcomed him back and noted that Rob’s team had worked hard and been very productive during his absence. Rob’s first reaction, as he relayed the story to me, was: “I knew it, they’re going to find out they don’t need me here – I might get fired.”

Now, all evidence would point to the contrary. Rob has recently been promoted to a high-profile position, his boss has openly praised his performance and charged him with increasing responsibility, and Rob is being invited to exclusive company events by the executive management. In all likelihood, the colleague was complimenting Rob on his excellent work in managing and training his team to be autonomous and perform so well even when he is out of the office.

So why did Rob have such a different take?

THE CONSTANT CRITIC

Moments like this occur to all of us throughout the day; something happens and we quickly jump to an interpretation. It doesn’t take much to spur the mind into action and, drawing from an extensive repertoire of personal references and biases, it will readily produce a stream of “self-talk” – commentary, critique and analysis – that may or may not accurately reflect reality. For many of us, conditioned by high expectations and a competitive society, this self-centered thinking often defaults to the critical or negative: “Why can’t I ever do things right?” “That was a stupid thing to say.” “I look old/fat/ugly.”

Moreover, as you’ve probably noticed, the mind is rarely satisfied to produce a thought once and leave it at that. Oh no, once it latches onto a notion, the mind likes to hammer the point home, repeating and reiterating and bringing it up every chance it gets. (Researchers have found that familiar ideas and impulses, in fact, forge physical pathways in the brain along which obsessive thoughts travel – your habitual thought patterns are literally creating ruts in your brain!)

Notice, however, that I am referring to your thoughts as separate fromyou, the human being sitting there reading these words.You are not your thoughts. Rather, your mind is like a bubble machine, relentlessly churning out thoughts that create a stream of stress, anxiety or dissatisfaction – until you realize they are as ephemeral as soap bubbles.

HENPECKED BY YOUR OWN MIND

Here are some tactics you can try:

• Get some distance.First, have a seat at the back of your head and take a few deep breaths. See if you can pinpoint where in your body you feel the anxiety or stress – is there a tightness in your chest, or a gnawing in your gut? Then, try to watch your mind. It may take some careful attention to decipher specific thoughts from the swirling undercurrent but if you wait patiently, they will start to crystallize.
• Put out the welcome mat.There’s no need to resist or judge yourself for the obsessive whirl of thoughts. In fact, Zen scholar Hubert Benoit suggests doing the opposite and welcoming them in. He says to his image-making mind: “Do what you please, but I am going to watch you doing it.” As soon as he starts to think of this and that, he says to his imagination: “So you want to talk to me about that. Go ahead, I’m listening.”
• Pay attention to the story.Now that you’ve welcomed it in, what does your mind have to say – what kind of stories does it spin in explaining the situations and events of your life?
  • Does it create “all or nothing” scenarios, extrapolating dire consequences from a single misstep?“If I mess up this presentation, I’ll be fired…it’s a tough job market out there, I won’t be able to find a job where I earn this much, I won’t be able to make my mortgage payments, I’ll lose my apartment and be a bag lady at the age of 45…”)
  • Does it make things personal?“It’s my fault, I always screw up.” “What’s the matter with me!”
  • Does it engage in defensive pessimism?Your mind may downplay the positive aspects of a situation to limit expectations and feel less pressured – reviewing, for example, all the times you’ve been stood up as you’re heading out to meet a blind date.
• Get the facts.Once you’ve heard all the imaginative stories your mind has to tell, try distilling the facts of the situation. Ask yourself, “Okay, whatreallyhappened here?” There any number of reasons someone might yawn during your sales presentation or recital performance: it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re not interested in making a deal or think your playing is boring.Perhaps because you didn’t spend as much time preparing as you would have liked, you’re anticipating and interpreting their reactions as if theyhadbeen privy to your inner anxiety. But the only thing you know for sure is, they yawned! Sticking to the facts helps you not get mired in the negative emotions that can derail your performance or trigger you to over-react.
• Try a little kindness.Finally, when you find your critical voice racing at full throttle – “I’m such a loser!” “I hate my thighs!” “My playing sucks!” – ask yourself, “Would I speak this way to a dear friend? To a young child?” Presumably, the answer is no, and you realize that for the same reasons you wouldn’t speak so harshly to someone you cared about, you shouldn’t be so harsh with yourself.

For one thing, non-constructive criticism rarely works. I remember playing tennis one day, my first time that season, and feeling very uncoordinated – not hitting the ball solidly, not getting into position. Every time the ball went in the net or out of bounds, I said disgustedly to myself, “Come on, what’s wrong with you, just get it in the court.”

After about 30 minutes of mounting frustration with my lame performance, something clicked and I decided to pretend I was my own coach. I started talking to myself in the third person, giving gentle advice and encouragement, and saying things like: “Okay, remember to keep your eye on the ball.” “Good, now make sure to bend your knees.” Once I made it less personal, I started to relax and play better.

Of course, adopting these habits will take practice – your inner critic has had years of conditioning! But if you can learn to view its voice more as that of a batty old uncle babbling away than that of absolute truth, it won’t have the same power to derail your emotional equilibrium and you’ll be better able to stay connected to the present moment.

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Renita Kalhorn on September 14th, 2011 in Uncategorized | No comments

Are You Riding the Self-Confidence Rollercoaster?

Lack of self-confidence – it’s one of the biggest obstacles keeping people from performing at their best.

I often hear people say they lack confidence as if it’s something that’s out of their control, like the cost of oil or their neighbor’s haircut. In fact, your level of self-confidence is one thing that is completely under your control – and the biggest mistake you can make is leaving it up to chance.

If your confidence is dependent on things going your way, you’ll always be at the mercy of circumstance. The managing director likes your points in the board meeting? Confidence rises! You flub a few slides in the presentation? Confidence falls! Up, down, up, down, that’s the rollercoaster approach to being on top of your game.

What you need instead is to develop an unshakeable belief in your ability, one that’s not easily swayed by external circumstances. Want three ways to get started?

1. Decide to be confident regardless.

You can do that, you know, without waiting for some universal scoreboard to give you the go-ahead.GwynethPaltrow, the actress, performed at the Grammy’s, singing in front of 26 million viewers. She could have held back because, well, she’s not really known as a singer, now is she? Instead, she went for it and (with a little behind-the-scenes coaching from Beyonce, apparently) delivered with confidence.

2. Stop the comparison game.

When I was in business school at INSEAD, we received a profile book with the impressive resumes of all the other students in the class: business prodigy, decorated Army captain, brain surgeon, Olympic athlete – they all melded in my mind into one extremely intimidating uber-achiever that I let psych me out.

When it comes to self-confidence, keep the focus on you: create a cheat sheet that you can refer to to remind yourself of your own kick-ass abilities and accomplishments.

3. Follow your game plan.

Unshakeable belief in yourself isn’t something that happens in one fell swoop; you build it one small goal at a time. Back in 2005, Isaiah Mustafa (the actor in the very popular Old Spice commercials) says he was tending bar but wanted to be an actor. So he set a deadline and figured out how to meet it. “I mapped out a plan with the steps I thought it would take to become an actor by a specific date,” he says. “As soon as I reached the first step, I started believing in myself more. It gave me confidence to tackle the next challenge.”

So, what’s one thing you can do TODAY to take control of your confidence?

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Renita Kalhorn on September 11th, 2011 in Uncategorized | No comments

Creativity Is a Pathway to Self-Knowledge

I used to think that artistic expression and creativity were reserved for the true artists among us. The talented, revered ones.

I don’t think that anymore.

A couple years ago I realized that creativity can be an act of courage and a doorway to transformation.

Expression through the arts can allow one to speak a language that words can’t articulate.

I found this wisdom in an online painting class.

Was it coincidence or providence that directed me to my first class?

I will probably never know. But, what I know to my teeth is that it awakened me.

Although I had always told myself that I was no good at art or painting or any creative endeavor for that matter, I felt a gravitational pull to take that first online art class.

At that time, I was in a dark place, adrift. I needed an anchor.

So, in spite of my fears, my screaming inner critic and my inability to draw a balanced stick figure, I signed up.

I mark the day I joined that online art class as my first step to recovering my Self.

Something clicked. I roamed Hobby Lobby with a renewed purpose, buying paints, studying brushes, stroking special papers, discovering gel medium. I was on fire.

Over the course of the four-week class, I created several paintings and collages. Whenever I sat with my paints and practiced the techniques, I would forget that I was sad. The process of creating was like a salve to my soul.

Time passed, and without my notice, I began to feel better. I started seeing color in place of the grayness. I started to feel happy again.

Before my fling with the world of online artsy classes ended, I took two more painting classes, an online photography class, and a journaling class. I even ventured out into the real world and had a one-night stand with jewelry making.

I had fun. I relaxed. I learned a lot. And I found my way out of a funk that I thought would never end.

Expressing my creative Self slowly thawed me out. I found entrance to a frozen place that words alone couldn’t reach. I didn’t even know I’d lost my connection to creative self-expression until I found it.

Through creativity, I discovered an inner strength that comes from giving my vulnerabilities breathing room. Even though I felt uncomfortable and foolish at times, pushing through it helped me learn that on the other side of the discomfort is swirly joy.

I learned that my old, tired story of not being good enough or creative enough or artistic enough was simply untrue. For far too long, I obeyed my inner critic. I believed that creating something wasn’t worth doing if it wasn’t done perfectly.

I no longer dabble in paints, but I know for sure that the act of creating is crucial to change.

We are all creative beings longing to express something new, unique and beautiful.

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Glad Doggett on September 6th, 2011 in Uncategorized | No comments

The Choices We Make

Take a look at your life right now. Look at where you live, who you spend time with, how you support yourself financially, your level of stress, your state of mind, your health – all of it. Is this the life that you want to be living? Is this a life that you consciously created or is this a life that you created on autopilot?

We make choices every day. Choices that affect how we live and how our lives turn out. And oftentimes we aren’t even aware that we are making choices. We are simply surviving – getting by – and trying to make it through the day. We aren’t thinking about our vision for our future. We aren’t thinking about manifesting our ideal life. We are thinking about what needs to be made for dinner or what time the kids need to be picked up or whether we have time to finish that project for work that is due the next day.But what’s so crucial to realize is that the universe doesn’t know whether we are creating our lives on autopilot or in a conscious state of awareness. The vibrations that we are sending out are exactly what we will get back.

The choices we make today will affect our life tomorrow. Some of the choices we make today will have a lasting impact on our lives far into the future.

Becoming aware of the choices you make on a daily basis is the first step to creating change in your life. When you recognize that you are about to make a choice – ask yourself this question:
Is this choice leading me toward or away from my ideal life?

So often we know what we want for our future, and we can’t figure out why we never seem to get any closer to our dreams. It’s because of the choices we are making on a daily basis that aren’t moving toward that vision. We are looking for instant gratification and seeing life in the small picture rather than putting aside our wants and desires in the short term to make sure we reach our long-term dreams and visions.

Let’s say your dream is to run a marathon.
You know that to do this you will need to start training every day.
You begin the first day by running for an hour, which feels great! You are on your way!
When you wake up the second day, you are feeling tired and sore and think you will just take the day off as a reward for working so hard the day before and start up with your training again the following day.
This is a choice that you made.
Did this choice move you toward or away from your long-term goal and your ideal life?
Definitely away from.

And if this continues to happen, soon you will realize that the marathon is quickly approaching, and you are not even close to being ready for it. And you become angry with yourself because you realize that your choices put you in this situation.
And if you keep sabotaging yourself by not training, you have to ask if this is something that you truly want for yourself. If it is, it’s time to take a look at what is holding you back. Is it simply that you are lazy and lack discipline or could it be deeper issues of limiting beliefs about what you feel you are worthy of achieving?An alternative solution to this example would be to find another way to reward yourself rather than taking time off from training. Perhaps you can go out to celebrate, or make a special meal, or watch your favorite movie.

It all comes back to the choices we make each and every day.
One harmful choice usually leads to another and another…

But the opposite is also true! One positive choice leads to another and another…
This means that if we are conscious of our choices and make sure they are in line with the vision we have for our future, we will be right on pace to reach our dreams!
So let’s first visualize the lives we want to live.
And then let’s make sure we are consciously making choices that lead us closer to this life.
And soon enough you will see that you are living your ideal life and reaching all of your dreams!

Jodi Chapman writes Soul Speak – a daily blog that focuses on seeing life through a lens of gratitude and positivity. She is the bestselling author of the Soulful Journals series – writing-prompt journals that help you go within and get to know yourself better. She is also the author of the upcoming book, Go For It: Get Out There and Start Living! She believes that our thoughts become our reality, and our actions lead us to our dreams. She is happily married to her best friend and co-writer, Dan Teck. They live in southern Oregon with their four fuzzy kids. www.soulspeakbyjodi.com

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Jodi Chapman on August 30th, 2011 in Uncategorized | 2 comments Read related posts in change, choice, conscious living, life lessons, personal growth

Hearing Fear Out

Have you ever embarked on a wonderful new adventure that you were super excited about, and just when you really started to get into it with both feet in – fear stepped up and started listing all of the reasons why it’s probably not a good idea for you to do this after all and tries to get you to see how much safer it would be for you to just step back into your comfort zone?

When this happens, what if we took some time to listen to what fear has to say?
It’s there to protect you – it doesn’t want you to get hurt or fail or be disappointed.
So the next time this happens for you – take some time and write down everything that the fear inside of you wants you to know.

Get it all down on a piece of paper. Give yourself the time and space needed to go within and bring up any reason why your new adventure might not be a good idea or why it’s a scary place to be.
And then you can crumble it up and throw it away.
Or…
You can go through your list one by one and turn it around.
Fear is ego-based and faith is soul-based.
Give your soul a chance to counter each point that your fear brought up.

I think you will find that if you really dig deep and go within, you no longer need fear to protect you on this journey. Your old patterns of letting fear take over will no longer work in your new life.

In my own life, I am writing my first full-length book. It’s a very personal book for me to write, and it requires me going within and really looking at myself and my life with what feels like a magnifying glass. And this can be a hard process that my ego doesn’t want me to go through – it can be painful and yucky and sad to relive certain events or examine my patterns and habits that haven’t always served me. And yet my soul knows that in sharing my story – in putting it out into the world – it will not only help to heal myself, but hopefully others as well who are sharing similar experiences.

So when my fear starts taking over (and boy is it strong!), I recognize it for what it is: a scared ego that just wants me to be comfortable.

And I thank it and let it know that we can’t learn and grow if we always stay comfortable.
And then I get back to writing.

So please take some time today and look at the role fear plays in your own life. Give it a voice – let it be heard. And then either crumble it up or counter what it had to say with all of the reasons why these fears and ways of sabotaging your spirit will no longer work in your new, soulful life.

And then get back to what you know you need to be doing to grow into the person that you were meant to become.

Jodi Chapman writes Soul Speak – a daily blog that focuses on seeing life through a lens of gratitude and positivity. She is the bestselling author of the Soulful Journals series – writing-prompt journals that help you go within and get to know yourself better. She is also the author of the upcoming book, Go For It: Get Out There and Start Living! She believes that our thoughts become our reality, and our actions lead us to our dreams. She is happily married to her best friend and co-writer, Dan Teck. They live in southern Oregon with their four fuzzy kids. www.soulspeakbyjodi.com

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Jodi Chapman on August 25th, 2011 in Uncategorized | 1 comment Read related posts in change, fear, life lessons, personal growth

Pushing Through the Obstacles

Sometimes we are on a roll in our lives where everything feels like it’s going really well and flowing effortlessly.

And then we add something new – something that is out of the norm from our every day life. We stretch a little bit out of our comfort zone and expect things to continue flowing.

And sometimes they do.
But sometimes we come across obstacles where we didn’t expect them to be.
Sometimes we even come across road blocks that seem to be right in the way of reaching our dreams.

When this happens, take a look at these obstacles and notice where they are coming from and what messages they are conveying.

Are they coming from fear – is our ego stepping in and warning us that it might be scary to try new things?

Are they coming from outdated beliefs that we have about achieving success and finding true happiness?

Or maybe we haven’t stretched our adventure muscles in awhile and just need more practice.

Over the past week, I have been writing my book, and I have stumbled upon many obstacles – some that I had a feeling would show up and others that I’ve been surprised by.
And while I recognize them for what they are (old fears and distractions coming up to keep me comfortable), I still have to work through them and move them aside. This dream is too big to allow anything to stand in my way.

I was listening to a powerful telesummit yesterday with Jack Canfield where he was talking about how we can live our ideal life – even with the obstacles.

He brought up the great point that we are always going to have obstacles – but our response to these obstacles is entirely our choice.

We get to choose our thoughts, which means we also get to choose our outcome.

So the next time we are reaching for our dream and we come across an obstacle – take some time to go within and try to get to the bottom of the message it brings up. And then thank it for showing up and teaching you more about yourself, and either push through it or go around it. Keep moving forward.

We are all learning lessons every day. And with each lesson, we are all getting closer and closer to our truest self – our divine soul.

And every obstacle and road block is helping us do just that. They are also great tools to show us just how passionate we are about achieving our dreams and living our ideal life.

Every obstacle we push through and every barrier we eliminate leads us closer to our dreams.

Jodi Chapman writes Soul Speak – a daily blog that focuses on seeing life through a lens of gratitude and positivity. She is the bestselling author of the Soulful Journals series – writing-prompt journals that help you go within and get to know yourself better. She is also the author of the upcoming book, Go For It: Get Out There and Start Living! She believes that our thoughts become our reality, and our actions lead us to our dreams. She is happily married to her best friend and co-writer, Dan Teck. They live in southern Oregon with their four fuzzy kids. www.soulspeakbyjodi.com

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Jodi Chapman on August 18th, 2011 in Uncategorized | No comments Read related posts in challenges, change, dreams, personal growth

The Power of Labels

Have you ever had a moment where you wanted to change in some way, but you didn’t because it seemed too crazy, too out of the box, too “not you”?

The labels we give ourselves are really powerful.
They can define us – and this can be empowering or stifling depending on where the label came from (our higher self or our comfort zone). If your higher self created the label, then you know it’s something great that you either currently embody or you can strive for. If you create labels for yourself from a point of low self esteem, comfort, or because you think you should – then they can hinder your growth and box you in to a life of comfort and stagnation.

I recently took a look at what labels I give myself – both professionally and personally.
I have been designing, writing, and making journals for over six years. Our business completely supports us, and I am comfortable calling myself an entrepreneur, a designer, and a creative spirit. But for some reason I had some blocks with calling myself a writer and an artist. For me, these words were powerful and I had to step back and think if I could truly embody these labels.
It’s so funny to realize this – the power of words is so strong!
I AM a writer and I AM an artist.
I can choose to create these labels for myself and fully embrace them.
Look at your own life.

What labels do you use to define yourself?
What labels do others use to define you?
Take some time today to write down these labels.

You could write: mother, friend, good cook, likes Chinese food, sensitive, artist, computer savvy, deep thinker, seeker, spiritual, nag, dependent, emotional, etc.

Write down every word you can think of that you would use to describe yourself.

Next, take a look and see if it truly describes the person that you want to be – your best self. If it doesn’t, get rid of it. Think about where each label came from. Is it something that you created for yourself or something that someone gave you that never seemed to fit (or no longer fits)?

Are there any labels you would like to add? Anything that you would like use to define yourself?

Here is an example of how powerful it can be when someone else labels us:
Let’s say you have always wanted to sing, but in junior high your choir teacher said that while you had a nice voice, you really weren’t able to project it. So you probably would never be a professional singer. So the label you put on yourself was that you had a soft voice and probably shouldn’t sing in public. Years go by and the love for singing is still inside of you – you receive support from friends and family urging you to use your voice and sing out. But that darn label is still there.

But… what if you created a new label for yourself? What if you said that you were a singer? There is no judgement in this word alone. It just is. You could then embrace that label and do what singers do: sing!

You can also create labels for yourself that you grow out of.

And when that happens, it’s hard to let it go because you have become defined by this label – it is part of you.

What if you loved Chinese food. It was your favorite food ever. And then one day, it didn’t taste as good to you anymore. And you kept eating it because you had labeled yourself as someone who liked Chinese food. And you had created a life around this label – you would go eat it with friends every week, you would cook it for yourself at home. It was a comfortable identity – but it was no longer serving you because you realized that you no longer loved it like you used to.

This is a funny example, but you could take out “Chinese food” and replace it with any part of your life that no longer feels like “you.” And if you do decide to relabel yourself as someone who no longer loves Chinese food – there may be friction. Your friends will no longer get to see you weekly at the restaurant. They may feel hurt and wonder why you are choosing to not be there. They may take it personally instead of realizing that you simply don’t like the food anymore. But you know that it’s simply because you no longer like this type of food. And why would you put a label on yourself that no longer fit?
Continuing to look into the labels we create for ourselves is part of self growth.

If a label is no longer serving you – if it no longer represents who you are or who you would like to become – than replace it with one that does.

“But I always have been that.”
or
“But everyone expects me to be that.”
aren’t reasons to continue being someone that you no longer are.

This isn’t an easy process, but it’s so worthwhile to go through.

It’s part of becoming conscious and truly being aware of how we define ourselves.

The first step is realizing our labels.

The second step is making sure that each label fits who we are and want to become.

Living a conscious life is a lifelong practice that takes some work – but it’s so worth it!

Jodi Chapman writes Soul Speak – a daily blog that focuses on seeing life through a lens of gratitude and positivity. She is the bestselling author of the Soulful Journals series – writing-prompt journals that help you go within and get to know yourself better. She is also the author of the upcoming book, Go For It: Get Out There and Start Living! She believes that our thoughts become our reality, and our actions lead us to our dreams. She is happily married to her best friend and co-writer, Dan Teck. They live in southern Oregon with their four fuzzy kids. www.soulspeakbyjodi.com

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Jodi Chapman on August 14th, 2011 in Uncategorized | No comments Read related posts in change, conscious living, labels, personal growth

How to Succeed in Business by Spiritually Trying

If we continually procrastinate and sabotage ourselves to the point of not getting the lives we want, we need to re-program our subconscious minds because it is not our being a victim of bad luck or some more concrete scapegoat that is getting in our way. It’s us.

When one self-improvement effort after another has failed to deliver us our aspirations, it behooves us to keep our Shakespeare in mind. Particularly, that “the fault, dear Brutus, lies not in the stars but in ourselves that we are underlings.”

Point being: We can be masters of our fate or victims of our fears, fantasies and foolishness. We can continue to know what we need to do and not do it, and not get where we want to go. Or we can recognize that everything we’ve tried hasn’t worked, so we best do something different.

Self-Sabotage

In order to do something different, best we know the root cause of the problem and then design a unique and effective solution.

The root cause is self-sabotage. Consciously, we want to make money, make friends, lose weight, get healthy and fit, find our soul mates and partners, and by golly we’re gonna start tomorrow morning for sure, you betcha. This time I really mean it.

New Year’s Resolutions come and go. Again and again. Year after year. Unconsciously, our resistance to change is great and our resolve to put into practice the principles and techniques we’ve learned is weak. The resistance wins out, any attempt at establishing a habit of behaviors, a pattern of focused thoughts and exercises all devoted to the achievement of expressed goals fails sooner or later.

We’re back at step one. With another healthy dose, so to speak, of guilt, shame and self-loathing that we’ve failed another attempt to attain our goals, whatever they might be.

Why is the unconscious resistance to change so great? It’s because of what I just made reference to: guilt, shame and self-loathing. Buried deed in the unconscious mind is the belief that we are not good enough and don’t deserve abundance and success.

That core thought compels the subconscious to act in ways that creates that reality. We experience a world which reflects that self-concept that we are not worthy. Rather than attracting success, happiness and prosperity into our lives, we attract accidents and potholes.

If this premise is correct, then we must change our core thoughts about ourselves which compel our subconscious mind to do our bidding if we are to attract the life we want without resistance, negativity, obstacles and unpleasantness.

We must rid ourselves of the unconscious guilt, shame and self-loathing. Not a simple task. Nonetheless, a worthy one. And the way to do it is to be of service to others, to engage in estimable acts towards others as best we can, without conditions, exceptions or expectations.

As we esteem others through our respect and service to help as best we can, we are esteeming ourselves and sending our subconscious the message that we are good enough. But that’s not enough. We must forgive ourselves as well if we are to eliminate the deeply submerged guilt and shame.

As we forgive others, which involves letting go of our harsh judgments of them, we are actually forgiving ourselves, letting go of our harsh judgments of ourselves. It’s Confucius’s Law of Reciprocity. It’s a Golden Rule sort of thing. It’s the way this world of ours works. It’s all projection. People are mirrors of our thoughts. Trust me, there’s a lot of that going around.

As we forgive others, we forgive ourselves. It’s as simple and as difficult as that. Esteem others, let go of judgments and resentments and anger, forgive others for they know not what they do, among other things, and be of service to others. We get out of ourselves.

We get out of the crazy thinking in our head which makes us feel alienated and frightened. We help others. We count our blessings. And guess what? Things get better. Life gets better. Life has greater meaning in addition to greater clarity, direction, transformation, happiness, contentment and good fortune.

By Walter E Jacobson, MD
http://forgivetowin.com
info@walterjacobsonmd.com

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Walter E Jacobson, MD on August 11th, 2011 in Uncategorized | No comments

Tune into Others

What Are They Feeling?
The Practice
Tune into others.
Why?

Imagine a world in which people interacted with each other like ants or fish. Imagine a day at work like this, or in your family, aware of the surface behavior of the people around you but oblivious to their inner life while they remain unmoved by your own.

That’s a world without empathy. To me, it sounds like a horror film.

Without empathy, there can be no real love, compassion, kindness, or friendship. Empathic breakdowns shake the foundation of a relationship; just recall a time you felt misunderstood – or even worse, a time when the other person could care less about understanding you. In particular, anyone who is vulnerable (e.g., children, the elderly) has a profound need for empathy, and when it’s a thin soup or missing altogether, that’s very disturbing. In my experience as a therapist, poor empathy is the core problem in most troubled couples or families; without it, nothing good is likely to happen; with it, even the toughest issues can be resolved. Read more »

Posted by Dr. Rick Hanson on August 11th, 2011 in Uncategorized | No comments Read related posts in Family | Social, Featured, Highly Accessed, Psychology

Saying Goodbye So You Can Say Hello

Sometimes in life we have to make tough choices if we want to grow and live the life we know we are meant to live. We may have to give up a part of ourselves that we have grown comfortable with, even if we know that it isn’t the self we want to bring on our journey.

I was watching Peter Walsh’s decluttering show the other day on the OWN Network, and I love his approach to physical clutter. He first has you create a vision for your room. Then you only bring in the things that reflect that vision. Everything else has to go. I was thinking that this system could also be applied to mental and emotional clutter.

Let’s try this exercise together:
Think of the person you strive to be: your best self.

Now create a vision for this new self.

How do you look (e.g., peaceful, radiant, rested)
What do you think about (e.g., the present moment, happy and positive things)?
What kind of friends do you surround yourself with (e.g., supportive, nurturing)?
How do you spend your days (e.g., reflecting, laughing)
What else can you visualize about this new self?
Take some time with this and get as specific as you can.
Write it all down, and then hang it up where you will see it frequently.
Once you are clear on your vision, you can start the process of decluttering all of the emotions, thoughts, activities, friends, etc. that no longer fit into your current vision.

This can be a painful process, and change can be hard.
If you keep your vision at the forefront, though, and remind yourself that in order to grow into the person you know you can be, you will need to let go of the person you have become. (At least parts of you.)

It’s your rebirth – and it’s a beautiful thing!

Goodbye to you.
And hello to you.

Jodi Chapman writes Soul Speak – a daily blog that focuses on seeing life through a lens of gratitude and positivity. She is the bestselling author of the Soulful Journals series – writing-prompt journals that help you go within and get to know yourself better. She is also the author of the upcoming book, Go For It: Get Out There and Start Living! She believes that our thoughts become our reality, and our actions lead us to our dreams. She is happily married to her best friend and co-writer, Dan Teck. They live in southern Oregon with their four fuzzy kids. www.soulspeakbyjodi.com

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Posted by Jodi Chapman on August 11th, 2011 in Uncategorized | No comments Read related posts in change, life lessons, personal growth