All ‘Uncategorized’ Posts

Harness the Power of Mirroring

What’s your greatest fear? Maybe you can name it in a heartbeat. Maybe it takes you a second to think through all the things that could be considered your top fear. Either way, chances are whatever you named isn’t really your biggest, most consuming fear. It might actually be buried deeper than you realize, quietly rearing its head in your everyday life disguised as something else entirely.
If you’ve ever been frustrated with or judgmental toward another person, you’ve been given a glimpse into your biggest fears.

Hear me out.

When something about another person bothers us, like being afraid of looking or acting a certain way, we reject those characteristics and thus reject those people. This may sound like a highly conscious behavior, but it happens so subtly that you’ll think it’s the other person who is in the wrong.

Let me give you an example. Say you have a friend who is always mimicking others. Maybe she buys the same clothes as her friends, orders the same food at dinners out, and plans the same vacations. Maybe she frustrates you because it seems like she’s never thinking for herself or following her own path in life. That resentment grows over time, until you’re at a point where you can hardly stand to be around this person because every word she says starts to sound phony and insincere.

At first glance, you may be thinking that it’s your friend’s actions that are rubbing you the wrong way.

But let’s hold up a mirror to your friend and see what reflects back. What bothers you about this other person are actually the things that bother you about yourself!

In this hypothetical situation, if you listed every behavior, action or experience with your friend that upset you, I bet you could pull back the veil on each one and see how those are actually your personal fears.

Maybe you’re afraid of seeming like you can’t think for yourself, so that behavior in others irritates you. Maybe you were once accused of being phony, so now you reject that characteristic in other people because you’re terrified of looking that way yourself.
What you judge about other people are often things you don’t want to see in yourself. They’re the things that scare you on a deeper level than public speaking or death, but you’ll never really see them honestly until you mirror your feelings of others.

This technique is as simple as it sounds: hold up a metaphorical mirror every time you think something judgmental about another person.

“Oh, she looks so bad in those pants,” turns into, “I’m afraid of people thinking I don’t look good.”

“That person is so fat, why doesn’t he take care of himself?” is actually, “I am afraid of gaining weight and I wish I was healthier and fitter.”

“He thinks he knows everything,” becomes, “I’m afraid of being perceived as a know-it-all,” or even, “Deep down I’m terrified I don’t know anything at all and it’s obvious to everyone.”

There are countless ways to interpret your thoughts when you mirror them off other people. Only you can judge which interpretation is true to your life experience. Many of the things you think about other people are actually deep-rooted beliefs about yourself that were put there by family members, teachers, friends, and even yourself.

So how can you use mirroring to overcome your deepest fears or personal issues? Start by recognizing every judgmental, angry, or hostile thought you have about other people and ask yourself what that thought says about you. Don’t brush it off; chances are, the more likely you are to dismiss a negative thought about someone else, the more you should be turning that thought inward and examining yourself deeper.

Mirroring may sound silly, but give it a try and see if you don’t learn at least a few things about yourself in the process. Once you start recognizing your truest worries and fears, you can begin to change them. From there, your whole life will open up for you.

Kristin Offiler is a freelance writer in Rhode Island who writes for a site that helps students find the right psychology degree.

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by First 30 Days on February 8th, 2012 in Uncategorized | No comments

Recognizing the Small Things in Life

My Name is Erastus Wambugu, male, 31, from Kenya. I was born in and still live in one of the major informal settlement areas known as Majengo Slums with lots of overcrowding and poverty.

My community faces many challenges, such as, housing—most houses are in bad condition as they lack toilets. Health facilities are fair, the youth hardly go to school, and unemployment is high. Many of my peers end up using drugs or go into prostitution.

Little girls who drop out of school either engage in prostitution as a way of earning a livelihood or get married at an early age. Young boys can be found drinking illegal brew (chang’aa) or taking drugs as they try to escape from the reality of life.

I come from a small loving family of three brothers and one sister. I, who was the first born and according to African customs, have the extra responsibility of ensuring that family members live together when the parents are not around.

The first born is assumed to be mature compared to his siblings and is expected to make effective decisions concerning their lives and always to give them direction.

My mum was a housewife and used to put a lot of emphasis on education. She made sure that we all went to school when some of my friends’ parents didn’t care about it. We used to play in the gutters and pools of dirty water. Today all those grounds have been grabbed for construction of more houses.

Living within the community has not been an easy experience. Countless number of days have I survived on eating a meal a day. On several occasions I recall sleeping on an empty stomach after drinking a bottle of water and covering myself with a blanket hoping that the following day would be better. In such situations, I used to feel my stomach make strange noises and time moved slowly. Sleep would be far from me leaving me rolling from one corner of the bed to another.

Crime is a way of life as I remember painfully how Sam, who used to be my neighbor, was shot dead after mugging a lady in an attempt to steal her handbag. He did not obey police orders to stop to be apprehended and was shot while escaping.

I count myself blessed for going to college and earning a certificate in Photo-Journalism despite being unable to continue due to lack of college fees. I had to sacrifice the opportunity so as to enable my younger siblings attend high school, too.

After being introduced by a friend to a nearby Community Centre known as St. John Community Centre, I started volunteering for community work which used to include a weekly youth forum. The purpose of the forum was to bring youths living in this Community together to discuss issues affecting them and find solutions for our many problems. Some of the topics included early pregnancy, abortions, crime, unemployment, early marriages, among others.

The majority of the guys who used to attend this forum were primary school drop outs who lacked truth about these subjects. I felt a great passion to share what I knew with them by doing research on the subject and bringing it to the discussion the following week. Through my commitment, this organization sponsored me to attend workshops on peer education, youth mentorship and, most recently, training as a Paralegal on Human Rights.

It was not until three years ago when a Community Radio station known as Ghetto FM was started in this Community and I was among the first unpaid volunteers. I am a presenter and head of the Governance program. I host two programs named Maisha ya Ghetto (Life in the Ghetto) and Soul Train. Maisha Ya Ghetto runs Monday through Wednesday from 10:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. It is an interactive programme highlighting different socio-economic issues affecting the community and giving listeners the forum to debate and seek solutions to the problem facing them. The programme invites call-ins and short text messages. The aim is to have listeners make informed choices and empower them to improve the value of their lives besides contributing to the social and economic progress in their own communities.

My research on the programs airs via the internet besides going only to stakeholders and opinion leaders in the community to get facts about the topic to be discussed. I then deliver the package effectively in the language they can understand and appreciate. I organize and welcome experts to be part of the discussion as panelists so that they can provide professional views and opinions on the topics we discuss. I encourage feedback from my listeners about the program through calling, sending short messages, or emailing to tell us the effect of the program.

The second show is called Soul Train which runs from 1:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m. every Sunday. It’s a life-changing program which invites guests to share their inspirational stories, because many of my listeners are at home relaxing o the show and enjoying the soul music.

I spend time earning a living from washing cars in neighboring car wash and sometimes fetching water for the residents when I am not in the studio making ends meet. I compile my program research at night using a kerosene lamp.

It was during my research work that I came across Kasha Glazerbrook. We have started with a book club here in the slums with few books, from our own savings. Guys in the slum borrow the book to read and return free of charge. Our plan is to access more books and donate to schools in the Community. Also writing materials for needy children in the community. The name of the club is Riz and Kasha book club.

I feel also honored for donating some books to give some members in the communities who really deserve them and the number have been overwhelming to get a chance to read. These books are giving hope where there was none and encouraging following one inner voice. Ariane de Bonvoisin is training me how to learn how to write stories.

My dream is to get back to college and pursue Journalism so that I can be able to work effectively in my work as a radio presenter. I will also be competitive in this industry by highlighting issues affecting people. I will be in position to earn a living through my career and support my younger brother who I am living with and much willing to go college.

I have come to learn to recognize small things in life which many people never spend some time to recognize and bring much joy and laughter inner being. A person will always be judged according to how he reacts to a problem but not the situation he is at the moment. The more challenging situation life throws at you should be a golden opportunity to learn something new and accept the responsibility. Follow your heart to achieve your dream as it will never lie to and stop listening to people as they will always judge you. I take as my inspiration a saying from Winston Churchill, who once said “Never give up! Never give up! Never give up!”

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below. You may contact Erastus Wambagu directly at wambuguerastus@yahoo.com

Posted by Erastus Wambugu on January 20th, 2012 in Uncategorized | No comments

Three Ways to Killer Focus

Have you seen the movie Limitless?

Bradley Cooper plays struggling author Eddie Morra, who is suffering from serious writer’s block. His life dramatically changes when he runs into his former brother-in-law, who introduces him to NZT, a revolutionary new drug that allows him to instantly focus and tap into his full potential.

Voila! He cleans up years of clutter in his apartment, starts working out, finishes his book in four days, learns to speak Italian and Chinese, outsmarts the stock market and even executes Bruce Lee moves in defending himself against a subway attack.

Ah, the rewards of being focused: a sense of purpose and accomplishment, and — because he looks like Bradley Cooper — lots of attention from women. But just as athletes who use steroids run into serious health risks in trying to accelerate their muscle growth, Eddie soon discovered there were brutal side effects (like death, for example) to taking the “focus” pill.

THERE ARE NO SHORTCUTS

Popping a pill for instant focus without any side effects is, in fact, too good to be true. Just as you do with a physical muscle, you have to exercise and train your focus if you want it to get stronger.

Some people need external pressure – a looming deadline, last-minute procrastination, all the bases loaded — to force themselves to focus. Without it, however, they feel out of control, meandering around without direction or purpose.

Others simply crumble when the pressure is on. You can’t suddenly lift 300 pounds if you haven’t been consistently building up strength and stamina. Likewise, if you’re used to cutting corners and not paying full attention, it will be almost impossible to galvanize when there’s actually something at stake and you need to perform your best.

With a well-primed focus muscle, however, you can start to deliver the consistent performance that leads to consistently superior results.

SO HOW DO YOU DO THAT

When I was growing up, my mom used to walk by the living room where I was practicing the piano and yell through the door: “Concentrate!” In the years since, I’ve discovered some slightly more effective strategies to step up my focus game. Here are three:

Get in the habit of deliberate practice. The problem with most modern jobs is that they aren’t designed to make us better at anything. Typically, we have an external objective to meet and our focus is on getting it done — that’s it. If we want to improve a particular skill along the way, we have to make a deliberate choice to do so.
As Geoff Colvin points out in his book, Talent Is Overrated, “The essence of deliberate practice is continually stretching an individual just beyond his or her current abilities.” This means you have to clearly identify specific criteria and elements of your “performance” that you want to improve – your ability to persuade, for example, or express your ideas — and then work intently on them.

Yes, this requires extreme focus and concentration. That’s what makes it “deliberate” — as distinct from the mindless playing of scales (who, me?) or conversation that most people engage in. But deliberate practice is why I now make more progress in two hours at the piano than I did in the four or five hours everyday when I was a child.

Implement adversity training. Instead of moaning about all the distractions you have to deal with, think of them as extreme training for your focus muscle. Sports psychologist Don Greene suggests: “Try preparing your taxes with your kids running around the room, or with the television going or someone talking on the phone. Layer on distractions—sights, sounds, and sensations—one by one, until you can sustain your focus despite all of them going on at once. You will very rarely be working or performing under ideal conditions. Instead of trying to remove stress, you might as well train for it.

Transport yourself. Not inspired or excited by your immediate environment? Why not imagine a different one. Children do it all the time, transforming the living room into a haunted castle, one minute, or a jungle filled with spies, in the next.

Why tether yourself, in spirit, to a tedious conference call when you can transport yourself to a boardroom, where you’re brokering a record-breaking deal? Or transform your treadmill workoutinto a training session for a boxing bout with Floyd Mayweather.

This is not about escaping reality via idle fantasy or daydreaming. Rather it’s about igniting your imaginative powers to imbue your ordinary routine with vivid detail and sensation, heightening your experience of reality.

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Renita Kalhorn on January 4th, 2012 in Uncategorized | No comments

OperationsRx: The Gap Nobody Knows

“The gap between promises and results is widespread and clear. The gap nobody knows is the gap between what a company’s leaders want to achieve and the ability of their organization to achieve it.”—Larry Bossidy, former CEO, Honeywell International and General Electric

The gap nobody knows is bridged by day-to-day operations. Everything comes from it. It’s where your company lives and breathes–where ideas spring to life in the form of people, process and teamwork. It is the heart of execution–where strategy succeeds or fails. It’s a space I’ve worked in for over 25 years, and where I help leaders and teams succeed today.

Day-to-day operations comprise roughly 80% of most organizations, making it one of their largest investments. Yet this asset is often overlooked. Not leveraging its value widens the gap and means your company is leaving money on the table. In today’s economy, where resources are at a premium and you need to organize and expedite at the speed of change, can you afford to do that?

So why is it undervalued and underutilized?

I’ve asked a few leaders this same question, and they all focused on strategy as the one thing that mattered most. In fact, one leader, when asked about day-to-day operations and execution, waved his hand in dismissal and said “that’s management’s problem.”

As dieting is a favorite topic of mine, I asked this leader to compare business strategy and execution with a personal goal of losing weight. You want to lose 20 pounds. You plan on joining a gym, drinking 8 glasses of water a day, controlling food portions and counting calories. That’s your strategy—the direction you wish to take. You can repeat it a thousand times, make promises to your doctor or spouse, clip out photos of the ‘dream figure’ and attach it to your refrigerator door.

But unless you take the necessary steps to incorporate your plan into your everyday routine, nothing happens. No change. Not one pound shed. Your weight remains the same—you don’t move forward and you don’t reach your goal. Promises don’t yield results without day-to-day execution.

So, what does it really take to affect positive change?:

Have the right resources: Healthy food, personal trainer, scale, calorie calculator.

Develop realistic timelines and expectations: 2 pounds a week for 10-12 weeks. The greatest mistake most dieters (and leaders) make is being unrealistic about how long things take. Being realistic limits risk and disappointment.

Decide a deadline: Your svelte cousin’s wedding. The holidays. It’s amazing how activity levels rise as deadlines loom.

Get support: Choose the best people to help you stay on track: friends, family, personal trainer.

Take action every day: Go to the gym, exercise, eat lots of vegetables, count calories.

Stay motivated and energized: Keep your eyes on the prize—what success looks like (remember that picture on the refrigerator?)

Minimize distractions: Especially procrastination and perfectionism. Try to avoid wasting time on the wrong activities and getting discouraged if you veer off course now and then.

Allow for setbacks and unforeseen events: Parties that involve red velvet cake. Need I say more?

Monitor for results: Be accountable and follow through. Have someone record your weight and measurements on a regular basis. Monitoring is the key to successful change.

Link rewards to performance: Reinforce progress by celebrating milestones with small rewards and work towards that new wardrobe when you reach your goal.

The leader appreciated the analogy: Strategy only works when you take the necessary steps every day to move it forward. That’s how you turn promises into results.

Leadership is not just about pointing the way—it’s about being an integral part of the process from start to finish. It’s about dealing with the realistic issues of the day. It’s about tapping into your greatest asset–day-to-day operations–to get your company where it needs to go.

And who knows? Maybe you’ll lose a pound or two along the way.

Copyright 2011 Michelle Kerrigan

Michelle Kerrigan problem solves for a living. An expert in day-to-day operations and productivity, her focus is helping corporate and private clients who are stuck or in trouble because things are not getting done. As day-to-day activity is critical to success, Michelle specializes in taking an in-depth look at how things work, pinpointing trouble spots where people and process get derailed, and getting them back on track. With 25+ years’ leadership experience and practical mastery in diagnosing and solving problems, she is a powerful resource for creating effective and productive operations that save time and money and drive revenue.

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Michelle Kerrigan on December 11th, 2011 in Uncategorized | No comments Read related posts in day-to-day operations, leadership, motivation, organizational change, organizational effectiveness, productivity

Remember the Big Things

What matters most to you?
The Practice:
Remember the big things.
Why?

In every life, reminders arrive about what’s really important.

I’ve recently received one myself, in a form that’s already come to countless people and will come to countless more: news of a potentially serious health problem. My semi-annual dermatology mole check turned up a localized melanoma cancer in my ear that will need to come out immediately. The prognosis is very positive – this thing is “non-invasive” – but it’s certainly an intimation of mortality. Hopefully this particular bullet will whiz by, but it’s an uncomfortably concrete message that sooner or later something will catch up with each one of us.

Personally, I am doing alright with this. It’s like there are three layers to my mind as I write here, just a few days after I got the news. The top is focused on problem-solving. Beneath that there’s a furry little animal that’s upset and wants to curl up with loved ones. The bottom feels accepting, peaceful, and grateful.

Naturally enough, after the bullet passes – maybe taking a bit of your ear with it! – you reflect on your life, both past and to come. Of course, you don’t need a health scare – which in my case is small potatoes compared to what so many people around the world must deal with – to consider what you care about most. Then you appreciate the things you’ve honored so far, and you see where you could center yourself more in what’s truly important to you.

While it’s good advice not to sweat the small stuff, we also need to nurture the large stuff. Read more »

Posted by Dr. Rick Hanson on December 11th, 2011 in Uncategorized | No comments Read related posts in brain, Buddha’s Brain, Consciousness, extended family, meditation, mindfulness, Rick Hanson, thoughts and feelings

We’re All Doing the Best We Can

I’m sometimes amazed and embarrassed by how critical I can be – both of other people and of myself. Even though I both teach and practice the power of appreciation (as well as acceptance, compassion, and more) when I find myself feeling scared, threatened, or insecure (which happens more often than I’d like it to), I notice that I can be quite judgmental. Sadly, as I’ve learned throughout my life, being critical and judgmental never works, feels good, or leads me to what I truly want in my relationships and in my life. Can you relate to this?

I’ve recently been challenged by a few situations and relationships that have triggered an intense critical response – both towards myself and some of the people around me. As I’ve been noticing this, working through it, and looking for alternative ways to respond, I’m reminded of something I heard Louise Hay say on a number of years ago. She said, “It’s important to remember that people are always doing the best they can, including you.”

The power of this statement resonated with me deeply when I heard it and continues to have an impact on me to this day. And, although I sometimes forget this, when I do remember that we’re all doing the best we can given whatever tools and resources we have, and the circumstances and situations we’re experiencing, it usually calms me down and creates a sense of empathy and compassion for the people I’m dealing with and for myself.

Unfortunately, too often we take things personally that aren’t, look for what’s wrong, and critically judge the people around us and ourselves, instead of bringing a sense of love, understanding, acceptance, forgiveness, and appreciation to the most important (and often most challenging) situations and relationships in our lives.

When we take a step back and remember that most of the time people aren’t “out to get us,” purposefully doing things to upset or annoy us, or consciously trying to make mistakes, disappoint us, or create difficulty (they’re simply doing the best they can and what they think makes the most sense) – we can save ourselves from unnecessary overreactions and stress. And, when we’re able to have this same awareness and compassion in how we relate to ourselves, we can dramatically alter our lives and relationships in a positive way.

Here are some things you can do and remember in this regard:

1) Give people the benefit of the doubt. Most of the time people have good intentions. Many of us, myself included, have been trained to be cautious and suspicious of others, even seeing this as an important and effective skill in life and business. However, we almost always get what we expect from people, so the more often we give people the benefit of the doubt, the more often they will prove us “right,” and the less often we will waste our precious time and energy on cynicism, suspicion, and judgmet.

2) Don’t take things personally. One of my favorite sayings is, “You wouldn’t worry about what other people think about you so much, if you realized how little they actually did.” The truth is that most people are focused on themselves much more than on us. Too often in life we take things personally that have nothing to do with us. This doesn’t mean we let people walk all over us or treat us in disrespectful or hurtful ways (it can be important for us to speak up and push back at times in life). However, when we stop taking things so personally, we liberate ourselves from needless upset, defensiveness, and conflict.

3) Look for the good. Another way to say what I mentioned above about getting what we expect from other people, is that we almost always find what we look for. If you want to find some things about me that you don’t like, consider obnoxious, or get on your nerves – just look for them, I’m sure you’ll come up with some. On the flip side, if you want to find some of my best qualities and things you appreciate about me, just look for those – they are there too. As Werner Erhard said, “In every human being there is both garbage and gold, it’s up to us to choose what we pay attention to.” Looking for the good in others (as well as in life and in ourselves), is one of the best ways to find things to appreciate and be grateful for.

4) Seek first to understand. Often when we’re frustrated, annoyed, or in conflict with another person (or group of people), we don’t feel seen, heard, or understood. As challenging and painful as this can be, one of the best things we can do is to shift our attention from trying to get other people to understand us (or being irritated that it seems like they don’t), is to seek to understand the other person (or people) involved in an authentic way. This can be difficult, especially when the situation or conflict is very personal and emotional to us. However, seeking to understand is one of the best ways for us to liberate ourselves from the grip of criticism and judgment, and often helps shift the dynamic of the entire thing. Being curious, understanding, and even empathetic of another person and their perspective or feelings doesn’t mean we agree with them, it simply allows us to get into their world and see where they’re coming from – which is essential to letting go of judgment, connecting with them, and ultimately resolving the conflict.

5) Be gentle with others (and especially with yourself).
Being gentle is the opposite of being critical. When we’re gentle, we’re compassionate, kind, and loving. We may not like, agree with, or totally understand what someone has done (or why), but we can be gentle in how we respond and engage with them. Being gentle isn’t about condoning or appeasing anyone or anything, it’s about having a true sense of empathy and perspective. And, the most important place for us to bring a sense of gentleness is to ourselves. Many of us have a tendency to be hyper self-critical. Sadly, some of the harshest criticism we dole out in life is aimed right at us. Another great saying I love is, “We don’t see people as they are, we see them as we are.” As we alter how we relate to ourselves, our relationship to everyone else and to the world around us is altered in a fundamental way.

As the Dalai Lama so brilliantly says, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” Everyone around us – our friends, co-workers, significant other, family members, children, service people, clients, and even people we don’t know or care for – are doing the best they can, given the resources they have. When we remember this and come from a truly compassionate perspective (with others and with ourselves), we’re able to tap into a deeper level of peace, appreciation, and fulfillment.

Mike Robbins is a sought-after motivational keynote speaker, coach, and the bestselling author of Focus on the Good Stuff (Wiley) and Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken (Wiley). More info – www.Mike-Robbins.com

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Mike Robbins on December 11th, 2011 in Uncategorized | No comments Read related posts in appreciation, authenticity, compassion, dalai lama, gratitude, Louise Hay, Mike Robbins, motivational speaker, self help

The Secret to Feeling in Control of Your Destiny Under Risky Conditions (at the Office and Beyond)

Do you think having a 50% chance of dying while at work everyday might affect your job satisfaction?

Posted by Renita Kalhorn on November 27th, 2011 in Uncategorized | No comments

How to Be a Lean, Mean Thinking Machine

“Watch out! Oh no, you’re gonna screw up, you’re gonna screw up, you’re gonna screw up.” That’s what’s usually going through my head during a piano performance…..right before I screw up.

Here’s what’s going through my head when I’m in the flow and playing my best:

Yep. When it comes to thinking, less is definitely better.

In the first few five or so years of life, our thoughts are simple and focused on the present moment: “I’m hungry.” “I’m sleepy.” “I want that toy.”

Once we’re adults, however, the average person, according to Dr. Eric Klinger of the University of Minnesota, Morris, has 2,000 – 3,000 thoughts a day — 60% of which are mental chaos — redundant and revolving around anxiety and worry. No wonder we feel stressed and overwhelmed. We’re thinking too much!

MIND OF CHAMPIONS

Champions, on the other hand, like children, do very little unnecessary thinking. They have approximately half as many thoughts — 1,100 to 1,300 thoughts per day – and they hold each thought longer.

Tired of the chaotic traffic inside your head? Here are three ways to ease the mental congestion:

• Make a distinction between functional thinking and ego-driven commentary.“That’s hot, I won’t touch that again,” thinks the child. “This guy has a fast serve. I’ll swing quicker,” thinks the champion: These are functional thoughts. Most other observations — “What’s the matter with me?” “I‘m so stressed!” “How am I going to get this all done?” – serve no purpose and are pointless. .
• Find a different thought. You can’t control or repress your thoughts. But you can decide which ones to hold on to. When I feel my head awhirl (or, more accurately, when I feel like a headless chicken), I find that one-word commands cut through the cacophony: “Focus.” “Quiet.” Or, “breathe.” (Yeah, pretty much like talking to a dog.)
• Regulate with music. Although scientists are not yet sure how, numerous research studies have shown that listening to music brings order and structure to neural functioning and affects brain waves. The effects, not surprisingly, depend on the kind of music. Don Campbell, who wrote the Mozart Effect, says slower Baroque music, such as Bach, Handel, or Vivaldi, can create mentally stimulating environments for creativity and new innovations. Classical music, such as Haydn and Mozart, often improves concentration and memory when played in the background.

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Renita Kalhorn on November 16th, 2011 in Uncategorized | No comments

The Power of Empathy

I had a painful, but poignant phone conversation earlier this week with my wife Michelle. She shared some challenges with me in a vulnerable and passionate way. As I started to give her some of my “helpful advice” (as I often do – being a man, as well as an author, speaker, and coach, I’m fairly well trained at giving advice), she stopped me and said, “Can’t you just give me empathy for me? That’s what I really need right now. Once I feel your empathy, I can hear your feedback.”

Her comment stopped me in my tracks. I got defensive and began to justify myself – arguing that I did, indeed, have a lot of empathy and that she should be more open to my feedback. Needless to say, my defensiveness (and subsequent arrogance and self righteousness) didn’t help things, and the conversation got worse before it got better, which it eventually did.

Michelle’s feedback, however, registered with me at a very deep level. Although I “understand” the importance of empathy, teach it to others through my work, and have the capacity to experience and express a great deal of empathy with people around me, it’s sometimes difficult for me to have empathy for the people closest to me, including myself, especially recently. Maybe you can relate?

Empathy can be tricky, particularly when we have an emotional connection (or attachment) to the people or situation involved (which we almost always do). It’s also challenging to feel empathy when we feel threatened, stressed, or emotionally triggered (all of which we can experience a lot, especially with those who mean the most to us). And, empathy is sometimes misunderstood.

Empathy is NOT:
- Sympathy
- Pity
- Agreement
- Commiseration
- Endorsement

Simply put, empathy is getting into another person’s world and connecting with them both emotionally and compassionately. We don’t have to agree with them or fully understand them to be able to empathize. We don’t even need to be able to relate to what they are experiencing specifically (although that can help). We just need to be present, connect with them where they are, and acknowledge what they’re experiencing. Empathy for ourselves, while different contextually, actually functions the exact same way, simply turned inward.

The problem is that we often allow our egos, opinions, and judgments to get in the way of our ability to experience and express empathy. If I agree with someone completely, can totally relate to them, and see things exactly as they do, it’s quite easy for me to empathize with them.

However, if I don’t agree, can’t relate, have a very different take on the situation or actually think how they’re reacting to things is potentially harmful for them and others, it’s often very hard for me to be empathetic towards them and I also worry that my expression of empathy could come across as agreement or endorsement.

While it can be challenging, the power of empathy is essential to the health and success of our relationships and lives. It is a key element to our own emotional intelligence and well being. With the people closest to us, including ourselves, and the issues that mean the most to us, empathy is even more critical, but often more difficult for us to experience and express.

Here are a few things to remember and practice to enhance your capacity for empathy:

1) Ask yourself where empathy is missing. Take inventory of your life and relationships and notice where empathy may be wanted, needed, or simply missing. As you identify situations, relationships, and personal matters that could use an increased amount of empathy, make a commitment to yourself to bring less judgment and more compassion to them.

2) Reach out to people in your life. As you identify specific situations and relationships where you could bring more empathy, reach out to the people involved and let them know. There may be an apology to give, an acknowledgement to make, or simply an admission that you want to bring more empathy and compassion (and less judgment, advice, self righteousness, etc) to your relationship. Start working to do that with the most important people in your life.

3) Ask how people are feeling and really listen to what they say. One of the best ways we can express empathy towards others is through our curiosity and listening. When people feel heard, seen, and emotionally understood, they often relax, open up, and feel supported. Asking people how they truly feel, what’s really going on in their world, AND listening to how they respond (without judgment) are some of the best things we can do to express our empathy for the people around us.

All of these things also hold true with regard to having empathy and compassion for ourselves, which is essential in this process. Like most things in life, we can’t give away what we don’t already have ourselves. Self empathy is the foundation.

Everyone on the planet, including us, is almost always doing the very best they can in each moment. We’re all just dealing with the joy, pain, growth, challenge, and more of being human. Remembering this allows us to cut ourselves and others some loving slack, and engage in life, in our relationships, and with ourselves with a deep sense of respect, reverence, and, ultimately, empathy.

Mike Robbins is a sought-after motivational keynote speaker, coach, and the bestselling author of Focus on the Good Stuff (Wiley) and Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken (Wiley). More info – www.Mike-Robbins.com

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Mike Robbins on October 23rd, 2011 in Uncategorized | No comments Read related posts in appreciation, authenticity, gratitude, listening, LOVE, Mike Robbins, motivational speaker, relationship, self help

Will You Still Love Me If…

Over the past few months I’ve been looking at the phenomenon of approval seeking that exists in my life and my relationships. My mother’s death has brought up an intense mix of emotions and reflections. Like most people, my mom was a fundamental source of love for me, especially early in my life. As such, I learned various ways, from quite a young age, to gain her approval. Although this evolved over time and I outgrew certain aspects of approval seeking from my mom specifically, I realize now that I was much more attached to her approval, even as an adult, than I thought I was.

The irony is that this had very little to do with my mother herself. While she did have strong opinions, like most of us, and she and I dealt with our fair share of conflicts and challenges in our relationship, I never questioned her love, commitment, and loyalty to me. Much of the “conditionality” in our relationship (i.e. me thinking I had to be a certain way to be loved and accepted) was self imposed. As I’ve looked at this more deeply in the recent months, I realize this is also true in just about all of the relationships in my life – family, friends, clients, and more.

I read a great book a number of years ago written by my friend, mentor, and counselor of seventeen years, Chris Andersonn, called Will You Still Love Me if I Don’t Win? This book was written specifically for parents of young athletes, but has a much wider and broader message about both parenting and life – it’s really about how much pressure most of us feel as kids (and then throughout our lives) to perform for our parents and others.

This pressure to perform and to “live up to other people’s expectations” creates an enormous amount of stress in our lives. Clearly there are healthy expectations and positive forms of accountability that benefit us (i.e. when people around us expect excellence, integrity, kindness, success, and more which can, in fact, influence us in a positive way). However, more often than not, we place a great deal of pressure on ourselves to act, look, and “perform” in specific ways that we believe we “have” to in order to receive the love, acceptance, and approval we want (or sometimes feel we need) from others.

Consciously or unconsciously we tend to ask ourselves questions like, “Will you still love me if…”

- I tell you how I really feel
- I gain weight or my physical appearance changes
- I change jobs or careers
- I don’t succeed or produce specific results
- I disagree with you about important/sensitive stuff
- I don’t live up to your standards/expectations
- I want to alter or renegotiate the nature of our relationship

These and many other questions like them create an intense dynamic of pressure in our lives and relationships. And in many cases, like I’ve recently realized with my mom, we create most of this pressure ourselves. Often the place where unconditional love is lacking most significantly is within us. We have a tendency to be quite hard on ourselves and to have lots of conditions in place for our own approval. This demand for perfection is always a set up for a failure.

What if we let go of our conditions and just loved and accepted ourselves and others exactly the way we and they are right now? Acceptance isn’t about resignation, it’s about freedom, peace, and appreciation. When we practice unconditional love and acceptance it doesn’t mean that everything is “perfect” or that things can’t or won’t change in a positive way. However, love and acceptance are about appreciating the way things are and trusting that we and other people are “good enough”.

Seeking the approval of others is something most of us learn to do early in life and is actually a natural, normal, and healthy aspect of our growth as human beings. However, as we evolve, seeking approval not only becomes problematic, but can be quite damaging if we don’t consciously pay attention to it and ultimately alter it.

Here are three things you can do to loosen the grip of approval seeking:

Notice – Pay attention to your approval seeking tendencies. In what relationships and situations does this show up most often for you? Like most things in life, change starts with awareness, so noticing when, how, and what specifically it is that you do or say (in your head or out loud) in terms of seeking approval is the first step.

Share – Talk about this with the specific people in your life it impacts the most – your significant other, your family, your friends, your co-workers, your boss, your clients, and more. Because much of this stuff is self imposed, when we start talking about it we often realize that we’re putting a lot of pressure on ourselves, in many cases unnecessarily. In other cases there may be some unspoken dynamics in place that can be altered by having honest and vulnerable conversations. Either way, talking about it will almost always help alter things in a positive way.

Give To Yourself – Give yourself that which you are seeking, which in most cases is love and acceptance. The source of much of our pain and suffering, as well as our joy and happiness is us. So often we’re looking for others to give to us that which we need to give to ourselves. When we love and approve of ourselves, two important things happen. First of all, we become less needy of the approval of others. Second, because we are giving it to ourselves and aren’t as needy of it from others, we often get even more love and acceptance from those around us.

While this may seem simple and straight forward, it can be tricky for many of us as our patterns of approval seeking began before we had language and at a time in our lives that we can’t even access with conscious memory. As we do this important internal work, it’s essential that we’re gentle, kind, and compassionate with ourselves. And, when we remember that the love, acceptance, and approval we’re truly seeking is our own, we’re reminded that the answer is right inside of us, like it almost always is.

Mike Robbins is a sought-after motivational keynote speaker, coach, and the bestselling author of Focus on the Good Stuff (Wiley) and Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken (Wiley). More info – www.Mike-Robbins.com

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Mike Robbins on September 23rd, 2011 in General, Relationships, Uncategorized | No comments Read related posts in appreciation, authenticity, gratitude, LOVE, Mike Robbins, motivational speaker, self help, self love