All ‘Teens’ Posts

07 mar

Raising Resilient Kids

After having worked for several years with emotionally disturbed children and their families, I have learned that one of the most important keys to raising resilient children is worrying less about protecting kids from every difficulty and focusing more on helping them create positive meaning out the difficulties in their lives.

We all know that some people are able to live through intense traumatic events without becoming emotionally disturbed. On the other hand, many kids with severe emotional symptoms have experience nothing more than being misunderstood by their parents. This shows us that the intensity of an experience is not what causes traumatic stress.

The key factor in the creation of traumatic stress is the meaning that the person creates to make sense out of the experience. For example, if someone lives through a violent assault, they could decide that the experience has awakened in them a strong desire to make the world safer. They would move forward with a mission to work for good and see the experience as difficult but eventually positive. However, that person could decide the assault means the world is a fundamentally unsafe place, or worse, that they did something to cause it. In this latter example, the person would experience major traumatic symptoms.

Researchers like Robert Neimeyer, who specialize in grief and loss, have found that if someone is able to create a compelling positive meaning out of a painful experience, it can entirely mediate the traumatic effects.

The problem is that children are not able to create these kinds of meanings for themselves. They need adults to help them. I suggest that parents be proactive in helping their children create compelling positive meanings out of the difficulties in their lives in order to help them grow to be more resilient.

Tim Desmond is a therapist in private practice in Oakland, CA, and directs a mental health, day-treatment program for children. He offers phone counseling for adults and couples through his website, www.phonecounseling.net

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Posted by Tim Desmond on March 7th, 2011 in Health, House and Home, Relationships, Teens, Uncategorized | No comments

24 nov

The 3 Ways We (Accidentally) Help Our Kids Fail

JayForte I know we don’t mean to help our kids fail; sometimes we just do too much for them – we don’t make them do their work. Maybe we love them too much and want their lives to be easy. But too much of the wrong kind of help doesn’t prepare them define who they are, identify their talents, find their best place in the world and own their lives. I am a father of three daughters. I have learned some things that I feel have prepared them to step up and stand out in their lives – to own their lives. And I thought it was worth sharing.

My personal perspective is that the greatest gift we receive in life is the ability to invent our lives – we can create each day in the way we choose. And what we need to help us invent extraordinary lives – extraordinary according to our terms – we already have. We are born with unique talents and strengths (gifts) that exhibit themselves through our abilities and passions. We are great at some things, not others. We love some things and not others. Each of us is unique. Each of us is different. Learning about this difference is the key to inventing our most amazing lives, and helping our kids invent theirs.

For example, I am good at and love details, precision, social research and writing. My kids are not at all like this. They are more social, more scientific and are more take-charge. They would hate my job. And though I may feel that my job would be good fit for them and would give the resources to be successful in life, they don’t feel this. They must get up each morning and be thrilled by life. Following in my footsteps is not be the best choice for any or all of them. They need to choose for themselves those things that play to their particular talents, interests and passions. This is how they become successful. This is not what many parents do.

As a greatness coach and a parent, here are the most significant three ways I see that we (accidentally) help our kids to fail:

1. We do not help them know themselves – what they are good at and what they are passionate about. So many of today’s kids are very self-unaware; they have little sense of who they are, what their talents are and what they are passionate about. They go through life on autopilot – being directed by parents and friends – doing very little of their own thinking.

It is our role as parents to help them learn how to identify their talents, interests and passions. Many times our talents are so closely connected to how we think that we have a difficult time identifying them. This is a great opportunity for parents to share what they see in their kids and dialog about it. Catching a kid doing something great, and commenting on it, helps him notice his behaviors. And as much as we learn about what we do well, we also learn about what we don’t do well – also critical information. We aren’t good at everything but we each are good at some things. Learn to identify those things and we help our children learn to play to their strengths.

2. We don’t show them enough of their world, and talk to them about their options, so they can choose wisely in work and life. Critical to their success in life is first to know themselves, then to know their world. Their greatest success and happiness will be in finding places in their world that allow them to use what they are great – to have their greatest impact. For that, they must know their world to be able to choose wisely.

Connecting to what our kids are seeing and hearing is critical – particularly in today’s intellectual age. Kids see so much more than their Boomer parents saw at their age. And this information needs conversation – to help them become aware of what appeals to them and what does not. Family vacations, reading together, reviewing websites together, learning projects and being active in the community are ways to show kids what things are available – how large the world is. The more kids start to show interest in areas, the more they should be encouraged to investigate careers and work in those areas.

3. We define happiness for them by telling them who they should be, what they should do for work and how they should live. Many parents believe they know better so they choose their kid’s life directions. I remember telling my father as he told me what my profession was to be, that for me to be successful, happy and own my life, the choice about who I am, what I do and how I live, must be mine. Parents take away life accountability when they dictate the steps of life. The more we encourage our kids to know themselves and to know their world, the better decisions they will make about their lives. This allow us to be the guide from the side in their lives – available for counsel but always relinquishing the decision to the life owner. This is critical to help create the next generation of responsible, happy and personally successful people.

Each of us receives the gift of inventing one life – our own. It is entirely our choice how large or small we invent that life. In my coaching, I regularly see that parents want to ensure their children have happy and successful lives, so they take over and dictate life’s decisions. This generally creates the opposite response – instead of helping our kids feel successful and love their lives, they become unhappy and disappointed, feeling like they are living someone else’s life.

Our greatest role is to prepare our kids to take the baton and run their lives. We help them run successfully when we guide them to discover their unique greatness, understand their world, then find their best fit. There is a great place for each of us in life. Find that place and we love our lives. And loving life is what we want most for our kids.

Jay Forte is a business and motivational speaker, and greatness coach. He is the author of The Greatness Zone – Know Yourself, Find Your Fit, Transform the World, and Fire Up! Your Employees and Smoke Your Competition. His coaching and programs inspire executives, employees, parents and students to discover and play to their greatness, to live and work with passion, power and purpose. More information at www.TheGreatnessZone.com and www.LiveFiredUp.com.

Posted by Jay Forte on November 24th, 2010 in Career, Family, General, New Directions, Personal Stories, Relationships, Teens, Things We Love | 1 comment Read related posts in choose wisely in life, Family, find your fit, greatness zone, help our kids fail, interests, kids, know yourself, love life, parents, passions, strengths, talents

14 nov

The Greatest Holiday Gift

JayForte Ah, the holiday season. And we are already bombarded with a Sunday paper that tips the scales with gift ads. TV and radio ads remind us of the best gifts to give, who not to forget and how to make the holidays special. Buy, buy, buy.

I don’t know about you but this can do a great job of interfering with the kind of holiday I want to have if I let it. I don’t want a holiday of stuff – I want a holiday of experiences and stories. I want a holiday of emotions and connection. I want the memories.

As kids, it wasn’t just the gifts that made us feel so terrific about the holidays, it was the memories of feeling important, cared for, loved and special. I remember very few of the gifts I received over so many past holidays. What I do remember instead is singing carols, having neighbors over, decorating the house and eating treats that only showed up at the holidays. When I think of these, I am immediately brought back to sitting by the Christmas tree. I can smell the evergreen. I can see the lights and tinsel. I can smell the cakes baking and can hear the laughing from the other rooms as neighbors come by. I am immediately transported to happy times. It was the event. It was the feeling. It wasn’t the stuff.

So here are some of my ideas of holiday gifts that move away from the stuff and go for the memories:

Hosting a party with friends where we celebrate our time together.

Having brunch with my kids where we can talk about life, their dreams of starting families and loving the moments we spend together.

Sending and receiving cards that say, though we haven’t spoken in a while, you are still in my thoughts.

Playing music that is festive and celebratory, inspiring a feeling of peace and calm.

Walking with friends, or as a family, through towns and streets decorated with things that are bright, happy and festive.

Telling stories around the table with parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, about what life was like, how each celebrated the holidays, and what made life great.

Stopping for a hot chocolate on a cold night, because we haven’t done it in a while and nothing beats the smell of hot chocolate – with whipped cream or marshmallow.

Taking an extra day off from work to be at home (not out shopping) and playing games, working on family projects or inventing a new recipe together.

Making a video where each person in the family, or each friend, records a memory of the holidays, then shares the message with the rest of the world on YouTube.

Committing the time to learn how to discuss and communicate about the things that are important to each member of the family – to help them discover their talents, strengths and passions and build a life they love.

Buying recycling bins and having everyone in the household learn how to recycle everything that can be recycled – a gift to the planet.

Being invited to, and sharing in, another person’s holiday traditions with an open mind and an appreciation for its importance to that person.

Selecting something that the receiver adores, and the giver does not add to his debt.

Holidays are terrific. They make us stop the routine and come together to celebrate. And giving seems very much a part of the holiday. But we don’t have to give until we’re broke. We also know that things never truly bring happiness, memories do.

A good friend of mine has a small artificial Christmas tree that he leaves up and lit all year. Each month, he, his wife and his son, exchange small gifts. As he told me, it is not about the gifts. It is about a small Christmas tree that stays lit all year in their house to remind them that every day is to be celebrated. Brilliant.

So as the holiday approaches, may you find new ways to celebrate. May the gifts you give and receive be personal, focused on feelings and create memories. Wishing you amazing holidays that you fondly remember forever.

Jay Forte is a business and motivational speaker, life and workplace coach. He is the author of the books, The Greatness Zone – Know Yourself, Find Your Fit, Transform the World, and Fire Up! Your Employees and Smoke Your Competition, and the on-line resource, Stand Out and Get Hired. He works to connect people to their talents and passions to help them live fired up! More information at www.TheGreatnessZone.com and www.LiveFiredUp.com.

Posted by Jay Forte on November 14th, 2010 in Family, General, New Directions, Personal Stories, Relationships, Teens, Things We Love | No comments Read related posts in Christmas, Connection, Family, gifts, holidays, memories, presents

28 oct

Get Ready to Pass the Baton

JayForte As parents we all love to think our kids are great at everything. We love it when they walk early, talk early, excel in art class, earn good grades and are athletic. We brag, we boast – we feel so proud. It’s natural.

But nature, biology and even divine intervention seem to feel that we aren’t good at everything – that we should specialize. We are all different and must learn to understand ourselves to know our specific talents, strengths and passions – those attributes unique to each of us – so we can learn to find our best fit in today’s world. And when we find our place, we can create our best and most personalized lives – lives that are just right for us.

Inspired by our DNA are brain connections that are strong in some areas and weak in others. Early in our brain development, the brain allows the weaker connections to wither, allowing our strongest connections to lead. These connections create our personality, preferences, talents, strengths and passions. We are hardwired in very particular ways and our greatest performance (and happiness) happens when we understand this hardwiring and use it to make meaningful decisions about our work and life.

Science supports that we are good at some things and not others; we love some things and not others. Our greatest impact happens when we play to what we are intrinsically good at. We start to know this as we reach our later teenage years. Some realize it sooner, some later. But to realize what we are good at and are passionate about takes effort. It takes work. It takes work that each of us must do; we can’t do this work for our kids.

As parents, our role is to get them ready so we can pass them the baton of life – to be capable of taking it and running their life’s race. They choose where, how fast, with whom and how to run.

We are their coaches and trainers. We help them see their greatness – their talents, strengths and passions. We introduce them to the world so they can start to determine their best place – their best fit. We introduce them to the world so they realize they have choices – and the best choices will be those that allow them to play to what they are great at and passionate about. To be able to make these choices, they must know themselves and their world. And we bring all this together for them when they are young. We help them they discover the unique gifts they are born with and start to find their best place in the world that lets be who they were created to be.

When each of my three daughters graduated from high school, we hosted a “passing of the baton” ceremony. We explain that in the past 18 years, we have worked to help them discover who they are and have tried to show each of them how big the world is – to see all that is available. But when the baton is passed, they will own it all – their direction, success, happiness and choices. They will need to find their best fit – their place in their world – to be happy and thrilled by life each day. This is what is required to take the baton – to own your life.

We are still available for counsel and conversation but they must use all that they have seen to start to make wise personal choices – not to please us, be who we think they are supposed to be, or live as we feel they must – but, rather, to define happiness and success for themselves. We don’t tell them who to be. We remind them they must be the best at whatever they choose – and their best and happiest lives will be built around what they are good at and are passionate about doing.

Each of my three daughters has chosen wisely for herself; each took the baton and has owned her decisions, career and life. We may not always agree with the choices, but we realize they now own and invent their lives – as we did so many years ago. It is a wobbly process to start but with the right coaching, they learn very quickly to make good decisions.

Someone told me once that the worst thing a parent can hear their child say is “I have a miserable life.” We want our kids to be successful, but must also realize that success in our eyes may not be success in theirs. Maybe the better line is that we want our kids to love their lives and be thrilled by life each day.

So how can you coach your children well, to be ready to take the baton when it is passed to them:

1. Spend meaningful time with your kids and let them share what they think, feel and love. Listen generously.

2. Expose them to many things; many times our kids become things or do things because they didn’t know greater things were available. One of my favorite ways of showing kids the great choices in the workplace is to Google “job titles.” The sites show titles of jobs that many of us never knew we could be. It expands their options.

3. Watch the personal biases and judgments as kids start to connect to what matters most to them. An impartial approach allows kids to consider everything.

4. Careers and interests don’t always follow from parent to child. Allow children to search for those things that capture their interest, and always require them to see how what they are interested in fits in today’s world (they still have to make a living and move out of the house!).

Our kids are great – at some things. And effective coaches help their players (or kids) discover the things they are good at and then work hard to get better in those areas. This allows them to move from good to great. And to be successful in life, you must find your thing, then be great at it.

For me, the greatest success as a parent is a happy and passionate son or daughter – one who loves his/her life and does each day what he/she does best. That is success in my book. I don’t need or want my kids to be like me – unless that is what they want. Besides, the world needs us all to be different, to add the texture, color and richness of ideas and impact. We invent our world by those who live in it at this moment. To have the best world, we need everyone in their “greatness zone” – that place where they are connect to their best and share it with all of us. Help them get ready to take the baton and live their greatness.

Jay Forte is a business and motivational speaker, performance consultant and life coach. He is the author of Fire Up! Your Employees and Smoke Your Competition, and The Greatness Zone; Know Yourself, Find Your Fit, Transform Your World. Jay guides organizations – their leaders and managers – in how to attract, hire and retain today’s best talent. He coaches individuals how to reconnect to their talents and passions to achieve extraordinary personal and professional performance – to live their greatness. More information at www.LiveFiredUp.com and www.TheGreatnessZone.com.

Posted by Jay Forte on October 28th, 2010 in Career, Family, New Directions, Personal Stories, Relationships, Spirituality, Teens | No comments Read related posts in careers, children, Family, find your fit, happiness, life choices, own your life

13 jun

What Went Right?

JayForte I hate to wait in line; I will avoid crowds like the plague. So when I have to do an errand at a big home center, I always choose an odd hour. I love that they are open at 6 am. And I don’t mind being the first one there if it means getting my errand done in hurry and without crowds.

So, let me set the stage – a Saturday morning, up early at one of the large home centers in South Florida. I needed three cabinets to mount on the wall of the garage to get things off the floor and out of sight. This has been on my to-do list for nearly a year. Today was the day to get it off the list.

But before I take you quickly through the event, I want to draw your attention to something. We do so many things during the day that work out well – the things that go great. But I find in looking at my own attitude and talking with others, we seem instead to notice and dwell on the things that did not go right, even if there were many things that did go right.

So here is my event. Let’s keep track of the things that went well (Good Thing – I’ll use “GT”) and things that did not (Bad Thing – I’ll use “BT”).

The normally busy highway had few cars and it was an easy ride (GT).

The store was open early and the parking lot had available parking near the door (GT).

The product I needed was not well labeled so it took 10 minutes of wandering to find what I was looking for (BT).

I locate the cabinets I need and the price is reasonable (GT).

There aren’t any of what I need on the shelf; plenty of other sizes but not the ones I need. (BT).

The staff member finds what I need on a higher shelf and prepare to use a forklift to retrieve them. (GT).

I find another brand of cabinet (already preassembled – I can save time and just hang them when I get home, not need to assemble them too) and get help loading on my cart (GT).

I go to the checkout and am the only one in line (GT).

I bring the preassembled cabinets to the car – they don’t fit in any configuration I try (BT).

Okay, stop for a minute. Count the GT’s, and BT’s. Six good to three bad. And at this moment, my only thought is how I hate this event. But actually, things have been great. Why do a few bad things overtake so many good things? Hold that thought. Back to shopping.

I reload the cabinets onto the cart and am now furious about having to return the pre-made cabinets and buy the ones that will need assembly. I now have to do this errand again, as if the first time (BT).

There are no other customers at the return register and they easily process my return, and laugh with me about how some things just don’t work out right (GT).

I find the cabinets I need, get help and they pull three down for me with the forklift truck in a matter of moments (GT).

I go back the check out register – only one customer in front of me in line with a small order. When it is my turn, the woman who initially processed my order recognizes me and looks at me with a face asking for an explanation. We both laugh at the event (GT).

These boxes fit beautifully in the car (GT).

I get them home to find rough packaging damaged one of the cabinets (BT).

I know how to fix what happened to the damaged cabinet and do not need to bring it back to the store (GT).

I follow simple directions and build all three cabinets quickly and easily. (GT).

In another 2 hours, three cabinets are up on the walls in the garage and I get to see the garage floor for the first time in a long time. (GT).

Okay, I know this was a mundane event but realize we are constantly assessing our situations and determining whether they are good or bad. The bad events trigger our defense mechanisms, so the more we focus on what doesn’t go right, the more we activate our fight or flight responses.

Fight or flight is designed to make us efficient at protecting ourselves by amplifying our circulatory system, enhancing our senses and being prepared to defend or run. When our systems shift into fight or flight mode, the rest of our normal systems (those that keep us in balance – homeostasis) are interrupted. And the more we stress and focus on the bad things (BT), the more we constantly activate this fight or flight internal response and the more we suppress our normal health functions and immune system – we get sick. It is actually far more complicated than that but the thing to remember is that when we focus on what went right, we activate a better health response than when we focus on what went wrong. And this response is our choice.

Even though I know this, when a neighbor saw me putting the cabinets up, I went right to the part of the story where the cabinets didn’t fit and basically I had to do the purchase event twice. Then I stopped myself and summarized the great things that happened and that the project was done sooner than I expected.

How do you turn the negative into positive?

Focus on what went right instead of what went wrong. If you are starting to lose your cool, stop! Then list 5 things that have gone well in the last 5 minutes, 30 minutes or hour. Learn to focus on the successes.
End your day with a “what was great today” list. Celebrate great things. Celebrate great responses. This allows you to approach your rest period in a grateful and generous way.
Improve your language of appreciation. Speak kindly to yourself and to others. Notice great things others do and comment on them. Notice the impact on yourself and others when your language moves from negative to positive.

Approach every event with a challenge to stay calm, maintain your cool and find the good things. There are always great events – we just have to focus on what went right instead of what did not. It is our choice to be upbeat and positive. And if you look at the science connecting health and emotions, you will see that one of the greatest things we can do to stay healthy is focus on what went right.

Jay Forte is a motivational speaker and performance consultant. He is the author of Fire Up! Your Employees and Smoke Your Competition, and the on-line resources, Stand Out and Get Hired, and The Hunt for Opportunities Success Manual. He has just completed his new book (due out in August 2010), Happiness Matters; Know Yourself, Find Your Fit and Transform Your World; chapter downloads will soon be available on his website. He works to connect people to their talents and passions to live fired up! More information at www.LiveFiredUp.com.

Posted by Jay Forte on June 13th, 2010 in Career, Family, Health, New Directions, Personal Stories, Relationships, Spirituality, Teens | No comments

24 may

Conditioned to Think You Can’t

JayForte A friend and I had a discussion this morning about what influences our perspectives. He reminded me of how a 5-ton elephant can be controlled with nothing more than a chain and a post.

When baby elephants are captured, they are restrained by a chain connected to a post, anchored to the ground. Because of their small size, they try to pull free but cannot. They then learn that when chained to the post, they cannot get away – and they remember this. So as they become an adult elephant, very capable of pulling free from the chain, they don’t think they can, so they don’t try. An early memory told them they can’t and now they never challenge it.

We are like elephants. We have early memories about something that influenced us and we bring that perception to today. It could have been a comment, a look or a response by someone that we knew or maybe didn’t know. It could have been an event that backfired like stumbling in front of others and we are now convinced we can never be on stage, in front of an audience, or lead a meeting. We are frequently chained to think we can’t – even though we can. Here is a personal example.

As a kid I had a terrible interdental lisp. When it was pointed out to me, I stopped speaking, tremendously worried that I would embarrass myself. As I started speech therapy I found I had an easy ability to learn a language and to articulate sounds – something I never would have known. I quickly learned a new way to pronounce an “s.” Today, I am a speaker. Imagine. If I had let the terrible events that introduce me to my speech impediment control me, I would have been like the elephant chained to a post, thinking I should be embarrassed about myself and stay out of the public. I would have never chosen my favorite work and my best fit – speaking to audiences about talents, passions and possibilities. I can imagine doing nothing else. I broke my chain. And I found a strength in the process.

Many of us remain captive to “I can’t” thinking, like the elephants chained to the post, because we don’t know ourselves well enough to know how capable and strong we really are. The more we connect to our unique talents, strengths and passions, the more we find our internal strength – the strength that helps us realize our futures are not dependent on our pasts. We are not limited by events that happened to us. True, they influence us, but we have attributes (call them gifts) that help build our courage and our confidence to break our chains and come through stronger, braver and better.

From my perspective, life events are placed as obstacles to help us stop, think about a better way, and get to know ourselves better. When we encounter an obstacle we can act like the elephant – to stand still and give in. Or, we can think our way through it and realize we are more capable than we imagined. And when you do this several times, you develop the courage to consistently do it and life becomes yours to invent.

To help you break your chains, consider the following:

- Think of one “I can’t” situations that currently limits you. Think back to the event that made you feel incapable, unworthy, unable, etc.

- Assess your talents and strengths. What attributes do you have that allow you to move past this limit – what attributes do you have that will help you break your chain?

- What is the first small step you can take to move past this limit – to see how capable you are and to develop your confidence?

- Try one, then another, then another. Then throw the chain away.

There are truly some situations where “I can’t” may be the right response. But we use “I can’t” significantly more frequently than we should because we are controlled or influenced by things said or done in our past. Today gets built today – there is no particular reason why it must be like yesterday unless you want it that way.

What is true for you today? What are your talents, passions and strengths, and how do they give you the confidence and courage to say “I can” instead of “I can’t.”

Jay Forte is a motivational speaker and performance consultant. He is the author of Fire Up! Your Employees and Smoke Your Competition, and the on-line resources, Stand Out and Get Hired, and The Hunt for Opportunities Success Manual. He has just completed his new book, The End of Average; Know Yourself, Find Your Fit and Transform Your World; chapter downloads will soon be available on his website. He works to connect people to their talents and passions to live fired up! More information at www.LiveFiredUp.com.

Posted by Jay Forte on May 24th, 2010 in Career, Diet and Fitness, Family, Finances, Global/Social Change, Health, New Directions, Personal Stories, Relationships, Spirituality, Teens | No comments Read related posts in control life, elephant, inspired, owner, passions, possibility, purpose, strengths, talents

01 may

Have I Told You How Much I Appreciate You?

JayForte This week is my anniversary – a celebration of finding the most incredible person among the 7 billion people on the planet, and choosing to build a life together.

So for me, it is a week of more celebrations – and I mean “more” because since the moment I met my partner Jeff, we have committed to celebrating life – daily. We know life is as we make it. We believe we have both the ability and responsibility to invent our lives – it is our choice how excited, fired up and passionate we live. So we choose large. We choose exceptional. And this starts first with appreciation; this starts by appreciating each other and our world.

This week, I ask you to join me in using the phrase have I told you how much I appreciate you? with the people in your life. A simple phrase that reminds us to value, honor and acknowledge the greatness we see in others. This reminds us that what we need to live in the most extraordinary way, is generally found in the connection to the people in our lives.

Make this a celebration week of the people in your life. Consider completing the phrase, “Have I told you how much I appreciate you…” with the following (or, add your own):

*For the ways you encourage me to be something better than I think I can be.
*For the way your smile can remind me I have everything I need – in you.
*For the way you give me courage to face today on today’s terms, even though I feel like hiding and keeping my head under the covers.
*For the things of beauty you add to my day.
*For your humor, love, sincerity and honesty.
*For pulling me up – to a higher lever of awareness, consciousness and understanding of life.
*For making the best food on the planet.
*For watching out for me when I get too busy to do it for myself.
*For letting me screw up, not rubbing my nose in it, and forgiving me for it.
*For knowing what to say and when to say it, to remind me I am always supported and loved.
*For giving me a hug when it is exactly what I need.
*For greeting me every morning with “Happy Anniversary” because every day is an anniversary of choosing to be together.
*For making an “event” out of the little things to make them great things.
*For driving me to, showing up at, and cheering me on, in my activities, sports or hobbies.
*For insisting that I have the best, then serving yourself.
*For waiting patiently for me to make my point and allowing me to say what is on my mind – even if we disagree.
*For saying ‘no’ to something you want so I can say ‘yes’ to something I want, and never bringing it up.
*For always doing your best – at everything.
*For choosing me to go through life with you.

Who says people can’t stay together or stay connected. The challenge happens because we forget to say thank you. We forget to appreciate. When great things done for us are unappreciated, they stop. When they stop, we drift apart; we don’t feel valuable or special.

Appreciation is the glue that keeps us together. Jeff and I try never to miss an opportunity to notice each other’s greatness and appreciate it. It helps us stay connected in a very disconnected world. It helps us each feel valued, respected and important. And when we feel valued, respected and important, there is really nothing that can take us down or break us apart.

So make today the first day of your year of appreciative living. Then next year, on this date (your appreciative anniversary), commit to another year…and another. Soon, appreciative living will become your standard. And it all starts with “Have I told you how much I appreciate you for….?”

Jay Forte is a motivational speaker and performance consultant. He is the author of Fire Up! Your Employees and Smoke Your Competition, and the on-line resources, Stand Out and Get Hired, and The Hunt for Opportunities Success Manual. He has just completed his new book, The End of Average; Know Yourself, Find Your Fit and Transform Your World; chapter downloads will soon be available on his website. He works to connect people to their talents and passions to live fired up! More information at www.LiveFiredUp.com.

Posted by Jay Forte on May 1st, 2010 in Family, General, Global/Social Change, New Directions, Personal Stories, Relationships, Teens, Things We Love | 2 comments Read related posts in anniversary, appreciation, appreciative living, respect, thank you, value others

17 apr

The 30-Minute Recharge

JayForte Most of your day is not about you. You have work, kids, life, meetings…on and on. So what energizes you? What keeps you connected and happy?

A friend of mine tells his kids at bedtime that when they go to and stay in bed, it gives him some time to ensure he will be a great father the next day. Besides keeping the kids in bed, he has time to recharge. He is able to spend time doing what he loves. This is his way to stay happy and balanced.

We all need time. We need time to recharge by connecting to what we are good at and passionate about doing. Not only does this give us time to ourselves, but it is fun, happy and meaningful time doing what we love. All it requires is a commitment of thirty minutes.

In my last post, Who Are You, Really?, I asked you to consider getting to know yourself better by responding to the following statements:

*I am good at (and list 5 things that come to you naturally).
*I am happiest when I am doing (list 5 things).
*I wish time would never end when I am doing (list 5 things).
*I am most proud of myself when I (list 5 things).

There are many reasons for this but the most important is the better you know what you are good at and passionate about, the more you can build these things in your life to make it exciting, impactful and happy. So use your responses from these statements to determine how to use your 30-minute recharge time – by doing something you love.

For example, if you said you were happiest when you are gardening, then spend an extra 30 minutes in the garden today. If you wish time would never end when you are with your grandchildren, then find 30 minutes to spend with them today. If you are good at cooking, then spend 30 minutes today cooking something new or reading a new cookbook.

Select one of any of the items you listed and commit to doing it for 30 minutes today. Not only is this the way to help make it a habit, but it also ensures that at least 30 minutes in your day, you will be involved in something you love. Isn’t that worth 30 minutes a day?

I know, I know. You say it may be worth 30 minutes, but you can’t find an extra 30 minutes in your day – all the time is already committed. For many, it seems the only way to get 30 extra minutes is to either start the day earlier or end it later. For me, I have already pushed both limits, so to find the 30 minutes I need to do something I love, I have had to learn new ways to manage my time and activities. Here are some suggestions:

1. Get better at planning. Maybe I am too left-brained but I can’t think of starting my day without a plan – to prioritize and stay in control. Without some order or organization, the day pushes me around and I won’t get done what needs to get done. And I won’t find 30 minutes to do more of what I find meaningful. So consider this approach: Take a piece of paper; draw a line down the middle. On the left side add the title “Gotta Do” – these are the urgent, must complete things;” on the right side add the title “Nice-ta Do” – these are things you would like to do but are not urgent as what is listed on the left side of the page. Get the “Gotta Do’s” done first. Notice what you put on each side of the page. You will get better at identifying obligatory and discretionary items. This helps you manage the activities in your day and help you find those important 30 minutes.

2. Control time wasters. We waste so much time during our days through inefficiency, disorganization and procrastination. Here are ways to get back in control and find 30 minutes to use in a better way:

*Get organized. Organize your living space, closets, kitchen and office. Label things. Put things away right away; remember OHIO – only handle it once. Most people waste an hour or more a day looking for things because they are disorganized. By the way, where are your keys?
*Learn to say “no.” Our inability to say no to some requests uses up much of our personal time. Sometimes the best way to say “no” is “not now.” Learning to say “no” can help you better manage your schedule and allow you to be more in control of your activities and time.
*Eliminate interruptions – they make every job take longer. Turn off the e-mail notification when you are working on other projects on the computer. Check e-mail once an hour or at some other interval. When involved in a significant project around work or the house, turn off the cell phone. Check messages every hour.
*Handle several small tasks at once. Open your mail while waiting for the kids. Create your planning list while in line at the store. Write birthday cards, etc. on the bus or train if you take public transportation.

Time management is actually activity management. And if finding 30 minutes each day to do something meaningful and valuable for you is important, then you’ll learn how to manage your time better. To get a copy of my “Where Did My Day Go? The Time and Activities Management Workbook” (PDF), e-mail me (jay.forte@HumanetricsLLC.com) and write “Time Management” in the subject line.

So, what will you do with 30 minutes each day? How will you use those minutes to do things that help you be happy, successful and great? And how will you rearrange your day to be sure your get your 30-minute recharge? Build more into your day of what you are good at and passionate about for a life you love.

Jay Forte is a motivational speaker and performance consultant. He is the author of Fire Up! Your Employees and Smoke Your Competition, and the on-line resources, Stand Out and Get Hired, and The Hunt for Opportunities Success Manual. He has just completed his new book, The End of Average; Know Yourself, Find Your Fit and Transform Your World; chapter downloads will soon be available on his website. He works to connect people to their talents and passions to live fired up! More information at www.LiveFiredUp.com.

Posted by Jay Forte on April 17th, 2010 in Career, Family, General, New Directions, Personal Stories, Relationships, Teens, Things We Love | No comments Read related posts in do what you love, Get control, manage your time, out of time, passion, recharge, talents, time, time management

10 apr

Who Are You, Really?

JayForte I was watching an episode of CSI: Las Vegas and was suddenly struck by the theme song “Who Are You” by the band The Who. I don’t watch much TV but I can always find time for a new or rerun episode of this show. But until this moment, I have never been very attentive to the theme song. It got me thinking…

Who are you? Not your name or whose husband, wife, father, mother, son or daughter you are. Not your employee role, what town, state or country you live in, or what ethnic group you are from. I am looking for something deeper – more about what makes you really you.

Much of my work involves helping people rediscover their passion for work and life, and this starts with really knowing ourselves – who we are. To do this requires becoming proficient at listening to and watching ourselves – to notice how we feel, think, react and respond. This is the best mechanism to know ourselves.

We are each a unique bundle of DNA – manifested by our talents, passions, strengths, personalities and even communication styles; no two of us on the planet share the exact combination of attributes. This uniqueness is both our gift and our work. It is our gift because it allows us to invent a life that is just right for us. Our greatest happiness and impact happen when we play to what we have been given. To do this, we first must know ourselves.

And that brings us to our work. It would have been easier to have received an owner’s manual on the first day we arrived on the planet; a manual that listed our particular attributes – the things that make us unique. But the divine inspiration for us is smarter than that.

To access these gifts (because I guess nothing great is free) we have do our own work; no one can do this work for us. We learn about the gifts we received – the unique talents, strengths and passions that came bundled in our DNA – gradually over life. We have a lifetime to be introduced to our specific attributes. This allows us to learn and invent. The more we learn about what we are great at, what we love to do and what makes us feel successful, the more we invent the next things in our life. Learn and invent. This is part of the plan to help us define and own our lives.

Life becomes more authentic, more customized and happier the more we know who we are –what gifts we were given, how to use them and how to make make our greatest impact.

So to get good at listening, watching and connecting to yourself (knowing yourself), say each of the following then list five ways you notice it happening in you:

I am good at (and list 5 things that come to you naturally).
I am happiest when I am doing (list 5 things).
I wish time would never end when I am doing (list 5 things).
I am most proud of myself when I (list 5 things).
My greatest impact is when I (list 5 things).

You can list more or less than 5; the goal is to get you to notice yourself because the best access to your specific gifts – those gifts that allow you to live the best life for you – is through self-awareness. And for more impact, look at yourself in the mirror as you do this.

So, you received amazing gifts – your talents, passions, strengths and personality. Most people become acquainted with only a small portion of all they received. They miss out on what makes them unique and great. They don’t know who they are. What a waste for them and for the world. Because when you play to your talents, strengths and passions, not only are you more authentic and happier, you also bring your best to the world. And we all know the world could use more of our best.

Commit the time to know yourself. Then build the best, most extraordinary and meaningful life based on the true you. This is your life; own it. And start by knowing who you really are.

Jay Forte is a motivational speaker and performance consultant. He is the author of Fire Up! Your Employees and Smoke Your Competition, and the on-line resources, Stand Out and Get Hired, and The Hunt for Opportunities Success Manual. He has just completed his new book, The End of Average; Know Yourself, Find Your Fit and Transform Your World; chapter downloads will soon be available on his website. He works to connect people to their talents and passions to live fired up! More information at www.LiveFiredUp.com.

Posted by Jay Forte on April 10th, 2010 in Career, Family, General, Global/Social Change, New Directions, Personal Stories, Spirituality, Teens | 3 comments Read related posts in find your fit, know yourself, own your life, passions, personality, strengths, talents, who are you

03 apr

The Gift of Choice

JayForte I believe the greatest gift we are given is the ability to invent our lives. We are given very specific qualities – evidenced by our DNA and hardwiring – that show up as our talents, strengths and passions. No two of us are exactly alike. We then must spend time to discover our qualities and determine how to use them to invent our best life.

I frequently say in both my writing and keynotes, “life is not a dress rehearsal; we have one shot at inventing and living the most extraordinary life possible.” And as I have been known to say to my kids, “If you are not living the best, most exceptional and greatest life for you – designed by you, and one that plays to your talents and passions – then you are squandering away the greatest gift you will ever receive.” Life – great. The ability to invent your life and make choices – priceless.

But making choices and decisions about life are not easy. It would be great, if when we were born, we received an owner’s manual that identified our talents, strengths and passions, and then provided instructions how to use them to live happy and successful (our definition of successful) lives. The manual doesn’t show up at birth; rather, we create it as we live.

Over time we are introduced to our unique selves through introspection and by connecting with others. We become aware of what makes us feel capable, happy, competent and successful. We learn about the areas that appeal to us, and those that do not add any value. The astute student of life makes great notes to be able to direct his life based on his ability to discover, understand and use his personal gifts. Some learn this more quickly than others.

Back as early as 350 BC, Plato offered wisdom in the phrase, “know yourself.” Most people consider this old thinking from older people, and discount its value. This phrase, however, is truly the key to a great life. It reminds us that our DNA – our hardwiring – is exclusive to each of us. The best way to live the most extraordinary life (and that also means work in a job that plays to your abilities) is to learn about the unique and distinct you. No one else can do this work for you; you have the greatest ability to understanding how you think, what you feel and what would make life great for you. You own this life. Its successes and failures. After all, it is based on the quality of the choices and decisions you make.

I see many people living other’s lives. Strong parents/families, years of traditions, personal biases and social stereotypes influence many of our decisions. We live according to what others say; we become who they say we should be. We miss or reject the opportunity to develop and invent our true lives. We let others make choices for us.

Knowing my personality, interests, values and passions, arms me with valuable and meaningful information to help me make good decisions for me. It allows me to assess my world, to find the work and life situations that need what I am good at, those that activate my passions and help me feel successful. It allows me to challenge others’ requirements about how I live my life. It allows me the ability to see that the best choices (for me) are my choices. I create the quality of my life. I choose how I respond.

Each day you have to get up and get on with life. Wouldn’t it be great if every day were a thrill? Wouldn’t it be great to choose what work you do, where you live, how you live and who you love? Instead, many are forced into required responses that do not allow for their unique and divinely-inspired gifts to be realized. We all lose in this.

To help you own and defend your choices, and invent your best life, try the following:

List what you are good at.

List what you love doing.

Be sure you know your world.

Then, identify the places in your world that allow you to use what you are good at and love to do. It may be in where you live, how you live and what you do for work. It may be in whom you connect with, whom you marry and what change you look to effect. It may be what message you communicate, what wisdom you have and how you can influence even just one life.

This approach helps you develop the best information for you; to help you find your place in your world. For example, if Emeril Lagasse were a busdriver, we would never know how exceptional he is as a chef. If Sandra Bullock were an operations manager, we would never know how exceptional she is as an actress. If you were a ______________(because others said you had to be, do, act or marry) we would never know _______________ about you. And what a waste – for you and for us.

I believe we direct and invent our world – it is not pre-defined. It is invented by those of us who inhabit it at this moment. We direct our history. Imagine the potential if each of us accessed our talents and passions and brought them fully to our world. Imagine the quality of our individual lives (a world each of us could be more capable, confident, secure and happy). Imagine the impact we could make on the world (using our best attributes to advance the quality of life and the life of planet).

I am not naïve; I am hopeful. I do the work I do to change how we think about ourselves. I do my work because I learned late in my life that I trusted others more than I trusted myself. I missed many years trying to be something and someone I was not meant to be. And when I had the courage and the wisdom to step up, know myself, know my world and make changes, my world doubled in value almost overnight. I started to see where I belonged, where my life was happier, more productive and more authentic. I wasn’t kept back because my world forced me. I was kept back because I was afraid to challenge what others said. I was kept back because I didn’t know myself. And when you don’t know yourself, you don’t value your talents and passions. Without this information I didn’t realize I had choices. I let others direct me. Not any longer. I now own my life.

I am aware I don’t get the missed time back. But I am also aware life is a process; we don’t have all the answers at once. I could not be here, in this moment, had I not been through what I have been through. I wish I had used my time better but I wasn’t ready – I just didn’t know I could choose. I do wish I were smarter or more informed earlier about this. And this has brought me to my current work – to accelerate the learning process of others – to encourage a modern version of “know yourself,” know your world and find your fit. Your life – your choice.

I know how quickly life goes by. And if we could know ourselves better earlier, we may be able to live happier and with more impact – earlier. And since we don’t get this time back, even one day that is better is worth the effort.

Your greatest gift is that you are given the ability to invent your life – that you get to choose for you. Commit the time to know yourself. Know your world. Then choose the best fit for you. Don’t wait. Life is not a dress rehearsal.

Jay Forte is a motivational speaker and performance consultant. He is the author of Fire Up! Your Employees and Smoke Your Competition, The Hunt for Opportunities Success Manual and the on-line resource, Stand Out and Get Hired. He is working on his new book, Work Strong, Live Stronger (Know Yourself, Find Your Fit, Transform the World). He works to connect people to their talents and passions to live fired up! More information at www.LiveFiredUp.com.

Posted by Jay Forte on April 3rd, 2010 in Career, Family, General, Health, New Directions, Personal Stories, Relationships, Spirituality, Teens, Things We Love | 2 comments Read related posts in choice, families, know yourself, live your true life, love life, own your life, Plato, play to your strengths, pressure for success, talents and passions

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