All ‘Relationships’ Posts

The Power of No

How do you feel about saying “no?” I notice that saying “no” to certain people and in some situations can be challenging for me. Sometimes I find myself saying “yes” when “no” would really be more authentic. More covertly, I also find myself at times giving “half-truths” (which is quite an oxymoron if you think about it) to people when they present me with opportunities, engage with me about connecting, etc. You know what I mean, you run into someone and say, “We should really get together sometime,” but you really have very little interest in or commitment to making that happen. Does this ever happen to you?

What is it about saying “no” that many of us have a hard time with? For me, it comes down to a few specific things. First of all, I get scared that people will get upset or disappointed if I say “no.” Second, I’m not a huge fan of hearing “no” from others myself, so being the one saying it can be difficult for me. And lastly, I consider myself to be “yes” type of person. I pride myself on being open, willing, and ready to say “yes” at all times. In other words, “no” often seems like a failure, an admission of weakness, or just an overall negative thing to say.

However, saying “no” is one of the most important aspects of living a life filled with balance, integrity, and authenticity. Our ability and capacity to say “no” with confidence is one of the most important aspects of creating peace and power in our lives. This is about creating healthy boundaries, honoring ourselves, and being real – it’s not about being closed, cynical, or unwilling.

The majority of people I know, especially these days, live their lives with a feeling of “overwhelm” that either runs them or at least gets in their way from time to time. If you think of the aspects of your life where you feel most overwhelmed, stressed out, or ineffective – there is probably a theme going on – you haven’t said “no” when you needed to. If you also think about any relationships in your life where these is stress, struggle, or conflict – you saying “no” with honesty and kindness is also probably missing.

When we don’t say “no” in an authentic way we end up feeling burdened, resentful, and even victimized (although, ironically, we forget that we are the ones who said “yes” in the first place).

Saying “no” does have real consequences. Sometimes we will upset, disappoint, or annoy people. We also may have a significant amount of fear about saying “no” to certain people (our spouse, boss, co-worker, friend, child, etc.) or in certain situations (at work, with clients, with our in-laws, and more).

However, there are huge benefits to us enhancing our capacity and comfort with “no.” Tapping into the power of “no” creates freedom, liberation, and a real sense of trust with the people in our lives. When we’re someone that says “yes” when we mean it and “no” when we mean it – others know they can count on us to be real, tell the truth, and come through.

And, when we “no” with confidence, honesty, and compassion, we do one of the best things we can possibly do to honor and appreciate ourselves.

Mike Robbins is a sought-after motivational keynote speaker, coach, and the bestselling author of Focus on the Good Stuff (Wiley) and Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken (Wiley). More info – www.Mike-Robbins.com

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Posted by Mike Robbins on March 17th, 2010 in New Directions, Relationships, Spirituality | No comments Read related posts in appreciation, authenticity, boundary, conflict, freedom, gratitude, honesty, liberation, Mike Robbins, motivational speaker, power, self help, truth

Daylight Changing Time

Once a year we move the clocks ahead. We lose an hour. A priceless hour. This time of year reminds me of how precious our time is.

I was up in New England visiting family this weekend. Sitting at the table we were reminiscing about so many years – jobs, dates, schools, awards, detention, cars; we talked for hours. We laughed about good choices and were embarrassed about bad choices. We remembered the times in our lives. We built these lives, day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Time allowed it.

In the last several months, Facebook has reconnected me to many people in my past – people from my grammar school, high school and college. In conversations with my grammar schoolmates, we realized it had been 35 year since we had spoken. Time gone by. Priceless time. Time we don’t get back.

Time, both vague and empirical, defines our lives. It is a unit of measure that guides us through our days and our lives. And we know from the outset, time for each of us will be limited. As Neil Armstrong says, “I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don’t intend to waste any of mine.”

It is therefore up to each of us to see the value in our time – not to waste it – but rather to treasure it, celebrate it and use it to help us develop the best life possible.

Time is a critical component of the formula for a successful life:

• We must know ourselves – our talents, passions and interests (our true selves) – to know what makes us happy and what we are good at.
• We must know our world, to know the canvas we have available to create our lives.
• We use time to blend the two – our true selves and our world – to determine our unique fit – to create the best life possible.

Time allows this great life to unfold. Time is the enabler. But time is limited.

Consider the following ways to better use and treasure your time:

1. Plan your day; this will help you prioritize your life events and get to the things that are important.
2. Know yourself and know your world. Be constantly aware of what make you feel successful and happy. Build more of these into your day.
3. Pay attention to your health; eat wisely and exercise to feel well each day.
4. Build strong relationships; have loving and caring people in your life to share your time with.
5. Create a list of the things you want to do in life – a wish list. Do as many as you can. It adds excitement, anticipation and energy to your time.

Daylight changing time is a reminder that life is not a dress rehearsal; this is all the time we have. And we should respect, care for and treasure our time. Many may complain about losing an hour of sleep, but really there are so many other things lost in this movement to daylight savings time; an hour of visiting a loved one, an hour of fitness, an hour reading and learning, an hour of travel, an hour of meditation, an hour of walking on the beach, an hour of family time, an hour of thinking time – another hour of progress in building an exceptional life.

Time doesn’t return. When used it is gone. Daylight changing time is a wakeup call. Commit to valuing time, and using it to develop your best life.

Jay Forte is a motivational speaker and performance consultant. He is the author of Fire Up! Your Employees and Smoke Your Competition, The Hunt for Opportunities Success Manual and the on-line resource Stand Out and Get Hired. He works to connect people to their talents and passions to work strong and live stronger. More information at www.LiveFiredUp.com.

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Jay Forte on March 14th, 2010 in Diet and Fitness, Family, General, Health, Relationships, Spirituality, Things We Love | 1 comment Read related posts in bold life, daylight savings time, Family, know yourself, life formula, memories, time

Memories at the Speed of Life

My oldest daughter is getting married in May. The preparation has been both all consuming but well organized and really without much worry. This will be a great day. Two great families are coming to celebrate the connection of the next generation. They love our daughter; we love their son. All is good.

I know I am not the first to go through this, even in my family. But I find myself going through a new round of emotions and thoughts as I get ready to pass the baton again. Let me explain.

When the kids graduate from high school, we talk about the ceremonial “passing of the baton” – passing the reins of life over to its real owner. We say, “We have done everything we can think of to show you how big the world is and to help you know yourself well enough to know your place in the world. It is time for you to take the baton and run – to do the things you are called to do and to own every aspect of your life. We move from center stage to stage right – and you move to center stage. This is your life and we want it to be extraordinary. That is now your choice.”

They take the “baton” and first wobble. But soon they find their legs and learn to navigate their lives. Some decisions are good, some not so good. But that is what is involved in being human. We coach from the side – we realize the true owner of the life is now in charge.

But now I face the second passing of the “baton.” The last name that my daughter has carried for 23 years – our last name – will now be passed to make room for a new name. And this is right – this is the new partnership. She moves from one family to create a new one. She again is moving through life. I know that as I pass this baton – my daughter and her life – I am passing it to someone who willingly and completely accepts it. My daughter and her husband will learn to walk, run and dance together as they build their life and their memories.

I was reminded of all this as I looked at the wedding invitation. I was struck not only by the concept of having a son-in-law (who we think the world of), but that just a day or so ago – or so it seemed – this little girl was in kindergarten, in plays, riding bikes and playing with Barbie. Life is a blur as it moves in large blocks of time – pulled by kids activities, school and work. Memories at the speed of life.

I remember very specific events about each day in her life and am now flabbergasted that these events were as distant as 20 years. The bruises, cuts and scrapes; the bruised hearts and trials of dating. The sports, homework and drama of high school. The parties with cousins, families and friends. The driver’s license, new freedom and going away to college. The introduction to a serious boyfriend who is now a fiancé, and the first check needed for the reception! All of it. Memories at the speed of life.

For perspective I looked to my dad – and how he managed my movement through life and those of my five siblings. He still remembers so many of our lives’ events. He shows us pictures of when we were young – pictures we feel should be burned – but pictures that freeze in time a look, an event, an expression…a feeling. He smiles as his tired eyes look at them. They are treasures. I don’t know how often he looks at them but based on his expression, I imagine it is often. Memories at the speed of life.

Memories create the threads that are woven into the tapestries that are our lives. Some tapestries are rich, filled with colors, textures and of great size. Others are smaller and less vivid. Our choice.

Thinking about my daughter’s upcoming wedding reminds me to keep my tapestry growing, expanding and adding more color. Weave your tapestry by:

1. Slowing life down to really notice who and what is around you; notice everything; choose to be present.
2. Creating time each week to “memory-build;” share stories, go to places, take pictures, do the unexpected.
3. Creating a “memory box.” Collect pictures, objects, writings, etc. and save them in the box. Once a week, have family members take out one of the objects at random and tell what they remember about it.
4. Creating your “family thing.” Ours was we told progressive stories in the car. Each child would add to a story started by the parents, or had to provide a sound effect on cue during a story. What could be your “family thing?”

Memories at the speed of life – they fuel our emotions, they feed our souls.

My eldest daughter: a child, a teenager, an adult, and soon a wife. The time sure flew by. But I remember every stage – I have a tapestry of her life, and those of her two sisters. And when I think of this I have the same smile and tired eyes I see in my dad. I think I know what he feels. And it is a great thing.

Jay Forte is a motivational speaker and performance consultant. He is the author of Fire Up! Your Employees and Smoke Your Competition, The Hunt for Opportunities Success Manual and the on-line resource, Stand Out and Get Hired. He is working on his new book, Work Strong, Live Stronger. He works to connect people to their talents and passions to live fired up! More information at www.LiveFiredUp.com.

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Jay Forte on February 28th, 2010 in Family, General, New Directions, Personal Stories, Relationships, Teens, Things We Love | 2 comments Read related posts in build memories, building memories, daughters, love life, own your life, speed of life, weddings

Never Miss An Opportunity To…

With Valentine’s Day just behind us, I was reminded of our tradition to take a day and celebrate special events. We celebrate mothers, fathers, pilgrims, veterans, workers, religions traditions, famous people and presidents. Overall, a good idea.

What struck me more is the concept of a holi “day.” If these are really important events, why do we limit the celebration to just a day? Shouldn’t we identify the reason for the celebration and build them into all aspects of life each day?

Here’s my thought. Holi “days” aren’t cutting it. The daily celebrations are too infrequent and don’t encourage enough of the right behaviors to last all year. In a world that is increasingly unkind, selfish and confrontational, couldn’t we make an improvement if we were to extend the meaning of the celebrations? Couldn’t we stay more focused on being kind, considerate, passionate, loving and respectful?

In my house, we wake up each morning and say either “happy anniversary,” or “happy Valentine’s Day.” Every day we celebrate our relationship as the cornerstone of our lives – a good and happy place. The message of both an anniversary and Valentine’s Day is a daily celebration.

Imagine if each day were a “thanksgiving” celebration. What if each day you made time around the dinner table to celebrate one great thing that happened. Imagine how it could change the victim and cynical perspective that our troubled world inspires. Make the home the safe place, the grateful place, the loving place that supports, inspires and protects. This prepares each member of the house to boldly go into a challenging world and be more upbeat, optimistic and caring – something the world could use more of. And we have a chance of making it happen if the thanksgiving celebration was a daily event.

I find that holidays have become either commercial events or traditions. Neither supports the true intent of the holiday. Gift giving is a great thing; it should never be obligatory. A celebration of faith and belief should not put you into debt. A celebration of freedom and of those who fought for it should be a daily event, lest we forget the degree of their sacrifice and the requirement of our continued sacrifice. Again, daily lessons, daily celebrations.

So my suggestion is to replace holi”days” with a “never miss an opportunity to…” approach – a new daily focus on celebrating what matters most in life. Here is the start of my “never miss an opportunity to…” list. What would you add?

“Never miss an opportunity to…”:

• Tell (and show) the people you love how much you love them and what they mean to you.
• Share a story about your life’s success and failures to teach someone else.
• Make someone else feel important, even if you did most of the work.
• Show your patriotism and respect for your country.
• Show your tolerance for and acceptance of someone who does not look like you or believe in what you do.
• Stop and appreciate a flower, a tree, the wind, a star, rock formation or any other part of nature.
• Know yourself, your talents and passions, so you can build a life that makes you happy, successful and engaged.
• Say thank you, hold a door open, let another person or car pass ahead of you, or to be kind to someone you don’t know.
• Give away some of your “extras” to someone who has no “extras.”
• Learn something new to expand what you know and your contribution to the world.
• Make the first call even when it is the other person’s turn.
• Share a call, thought, card or gift with someone you love or who needs to hear from you – just because.
• Say you are sorry when you hurt someone – even if you didn’t mean to.
• Allow another to have an opinion different than yours, and still respect them.
• Spend more time with your pet; be kind and respect all life.
• Develop your personal faith; have it encourage your acceptance of yourself and others; allow it to accept, not reject others.
• Keep your planet safe for those who will need it after you.
• Talk about differences instead of fight about them; find commonalities and reasons to get along instead of disagree.
• Respond to natural and social tragedies with care, urgency and self-sacrifice.
• Sing, dance, laugh, tell a joke, cry or be more human, even when others you don’t know are watching. Invite them to join it.
• Smile at someone you don’t know.
• Bound out of bed, excited you have another day.
• Remember you must share the planet with others who have the same right to be here, be respected, earn a living, find love, develop their talents, create a life, share a history and make and impact.

How will you never miss an opportunity to connect the very special people in your world? And how can you make the core of our holiday messages become part of your daily approach to life?

Never miss your opportunity to celebrate and to make a difference. Your life, your choice.

Jay Forte is a motivational speaker and performance consultant. He is the author of Fire Up! Your Employees and Smoke Your Competition, The Hunt for Opportunities Success Manual and the on-line resource Stand Out and Get Hired. He works to connect people to their talents and passions to work strong and live stronger. More information at www.LiveFiredUp.com.

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Jay Forte on February 23rd, 2010 in Family, General, Health, New Directions, Relationships, Things We Love | No comments Read related posts in celebrations, faith, holidays, never miss an opportunity to, optimism, purpose, respect

What is Your Masterpiece?

When most people think of the word masterpiece, they think of a painting by Degas, Rembrandt or even Warhol. Many think of da Vinci’s Mona Lisa or Botticelli’s Primavera. But a masterpiece just means great work. What is your personal masterpiece?

Here is my perspective. Each of us has specific talents and gifts – attributes uniquely created in us. Some are great with details and solving challenges, others are exceptional listeners, relationship builders or have spiritual insight. Some are artistic and some can write. Some can invent and some are extraordinary teachers. Each of us has the ability to create our personal masterpiece – our great work.

Many people know of Michelangelo’s masterpieces, The David and The Pieta. Though they are extraordinary, I feel his finest works are The Slaves – 3 sculpted male forms aggressively struggling to be released from the stone. They are his finest works because they represent what he believed to be to be the role of the sculptor – not to create a sculpture, but rather to release from the stone what was already in it.

The point is you have a masterpiece in you – waiting to be released. You are the sculptor. But to be released, you need to know yourself – the talents, strengths and passions you have – you need to know what to release. Here’s how:

1. List what you are great at. What comes naturally? What do others say you are great at? What do you seem to have great success doing?
2. List what you are passionate about. What gets you excited, energized and fired up? What could you do all day and never look at the clock?
3. Review your lists. Where do they intersect? What are you good at and love doing? These are your masterpiece areas. These are your areas of greatest performance, greatest impact and most significant contribution.

The more connected and self-aware you are, the clearer your masterpiece areas will become. The world needs you as you are. Don’t try to force it or to be what others insist you be; instead, play to the talents, strengths and passions that are part of the deeper or “true you.” When you understand yourself, you will see your masterpiece emerge. Then it will be your responsibility to learn how to fully “release it” as Michelangelo did in his work. Release your best – the world needs it.

Jay Forte is a motivational speaker and performance consultant. He is the author of Fire Up! Your Employees and Smoke Your Competition, The Hunt for Opportunities Success Manual and the on-line resource, Stand Out and Get Hired. He works to connect people to their talents and passions to work strong and live stronger. More information at www.LiveFiredUp.com.

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Jay Forte on February 14th, 2010 in Career, Family, New Directions, Relationships, Spirituality, Things We Love | No comments

Your “Inner Peace” Standard Equipment

Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, the author of the amazing book My Stroke of Insight; A Brain Scientist’s Personal Journey, explains our left brain is our controlling, judgmental and critical brain; our open, accepting and optimistic brain is our right brain. In our performance-focused world, most of us favor our analytical left brain. We listen more to our “critic” that more readily finds fault and complains than applauds and supports. Too much of this is not a good thing for our health.

You need to understand something important about Dr. Bolte Taylor: she suffered a stroke that nearly destroyed the left side of her brain. As a neuroanatomist, she was intimately familiar with what her brain was going through; she realized much of her consciousness was moved from whole brain (left and right) to just the right side of her brain. She explains in great detail what it was like to live in her right brain – her non-critical, in-the-present-moment, limitless, optimistic and higher consciousness brain. A nirvana – inner peace – kind of place.

As she nursed her left brain back to health – a process that took her 8 years – she chronicled her expanded awareness of the attributes of both sides of the brain. She shares that the right brain imposes fewer restrictions, judges less, sees things as they are, appreciates the richness of the moment, is open, creative and accurately decodes emotion. This is the inner peace standard equipment we all receive but frequently can’t hear over the louder, more controlling and critical left brain.

Here are some techniques to access the peaceful right brain and silence the critical left brain:

1. Speak to yourself more kindly and more lovingly; focus on your feelings and allow yourself to be aware of all of your senses.
2. Dr. Bolte Taylor suggests allowing the left brain to actually have some time to do what it does best – analyze and critique – to permit yourself some “whine time” – but with these limitations:
   1. Limit the “whine time” to 30 minutes. That’s it. And when the “whine time” is over, it is over; all whining and critical left brain rhetoric stops for the balance of the day.
   2. Schedule the “whine time” for the same time each day. It is the only point in the day when whining and complaining is allowed. And if you miss your scheduled “whine time” it must be delayed until the next scheduled time.
3. Thank your critic for its attention to details then demand it to take a break and allow your more optimistic, upbeat and accepting right brain to develop its own voice. Pay attention to the talk you have with yourself.

We each need our critic to help manage and direct our lives. The problem develops when we allow too much our self- and social-talk to be negative and unhealthy – when our left brain critic constantly takes over. Now, instead of loving each day, we spend more time focused on what isn’t right. We become pessimistic, negative and disparaging.

Focus on directing your self-talk into more a more supportive, caring and optimistic dialog. This activates the powerful and emotive right brain – the brain that houses our ability to connect with our true selves and accesses the standard inner peace equipment we are all born with.

So, learn from Dr. Bolte Taylor and build some “whine time” into your day. Impose a time limit – and when it is over, it is over. Start with 30 minutes if you have a very loud critic. Set the timer. Soon, you will need just a moment or two to vent, realign and move on.

Control your self-talk. Treat yourself kindly and lovingly.

Nature has provided us with the right equipment to stay ordered and productive AND to be content and happy. Sometimes they get out of balance. So learn how to manage your left-brain critic to allow your right-brain admirer and dreamer to have more time to help you create a more significant life.

Jay Forte is a motivational speaker and performance consultant. He is the author of Fire Up! Your Employees and Smoke Your Competition, The Hunt for Opportunities Success Manual and the on-line resource, Stand Out and Get Hired. He works to connect people to their talents and passions to work strong and live stronger. More information at www.LiveFiredUp.com.

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Jay Forte on February 11th, 2010 in Health, New Directions, Personal Stories, Relationships, Things We Love | No comments Read related posts in internal balance, internal critic, Jill Bolte Taylor, left brain, Right brain, whine time

Love Yourself, and the Rest Will Follow

How do you feel about self love? More importantly, how well do you love yourself? For most of us, loving ourselves is something we may know is important, but often have difficulty actually feeling, expressing, and embodying.

For me, I’ve spent much of my life – as a student, an athlete, in business, in relationships, and in general – demanding perfection of myself, and of course, falling short and then feeling inadequate on a regular basis. Most people I know and work with have some version of “I’m not good enough” that runs their life, their work, and their relationships.

As we lead up to Valentine’s Day this weekend and think about the important people in our lives whom we love (or the fact that we wish we had more love in our lives), much of our focus tends to be outward and not inward.

Self love is what we’re all searching for – in our work, our relationships, and our lives. Sadly, we spend most of our time thinking that someone or something else can give us what only we can give ourselves. To be truly fulfilled in life and relationships, we have to find the love within us and give it to ourselves. No other person, material possession, or accomplishment can do it. It’s up to us.

Especially when it comes to relationships, self love is essential. One of the best gifts we can give to the people around us is to love ourselves in a genuine way. As my mom used to say to me when I was young, “You can’t love anyone else, until you love yourself.”

Here are a few things to think about and practice as you deepen your own capacity for loving yourself:

1) Notice your relationship to self love. How do you feel about it, how comfortable are you with it, and what resistance do you have to loving yourself? Being honest about your own relationship to self love is the first step in altering it. Many of us have not been encouraged or taught to love ourselves. We have also not seen many healthy models of self love around us. And, we’re often much better at being hard on ourselves than we are at being kind and loving towards ourselves. Based on these and other factors, self love can be a bit tricky. Once we tell the truth about how we relate to self love, we can start to expand our ability to love ourselves in a more real way.

2) Let go of your conditions. When it comes to loving ourselves, if we even put much attention on it, we often do so in a very conditional way. We love ourselves only when we do “good” things, “succeed” in specific ways, or take care of ourselves in ways we deem important. While there’s nothing wrong with us feeling good about ourselves in relationship to these and other “positive” things, truly loving ourselves is an unconditional process – which means accepting, appreciating, and celebrating all of who we are, both light and dark. By letting go of our conditions and loving ourselves in the unconditional, like how way we often love babies, animals, or others we have little or no specific expectations of, we can start to deepen our authentic love for ourselves.

3) Start practicing, right now. Do anything and everything you can to express love for yourself – right now, not after you think you “deserve” it. Since most of us have some resistance to loving ourselves, taking any and every self loving action we can think of is important. There are lots of things we can do – both big and small – to practice loving ourselves. Speaking kindly about ourselves, taking compliments graciously, taking care of ourselves, honoring our emotions, pampering ourselves, celebrating our successes (and failures), appreciating our “flaws,” and much more are all simple (although not always easy) things we can do to practice self love. Also, be willing to ask for help and look to others who seem to do a good job at this, so you can get the support and guidance that you need. Loving ourselves is a life-long, never ending practice.

Self love is the starting point, not the end game, of our conscious growth and development. For most of us, myself included, it’s much easier to talk about loving ourselves than it is to actually practice it. However, when we put our attention on loving ourselves in an authentic way, everything in our lives that is important to us – our work, our relationships, our goals, and more – flows from there with a sense of ease, joy, and, most important, love.

Mike Robbins is a sought-after motivational keynote speaker, coach, and the bestselling author of Focus on the Good Stuff (Wiley) and Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken (Wiley). More info – www.Mike-Robbins.com.

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Mike Robbins on February 9th, 2010 in General, Relationships, Things We Love | No comments Read related posts in appreciation, authenticity, gratitude, honesty, Mike Robbins, motivational speaker, self help, self love, valentine

Breaking Through With Dad

By Fred Burks

At age 27, after having spent two adventure-filled years living and teaching English in mainland China, I found myself getting ready to move back to the US. With two years completely immersed in another world away from family and friends, I’d had plenty of opportunities to reflect on my life back home. In those periods of contemplation, I felt a deep sense of satisfaction in realizing that I had really come to enjoy my relationships with all of my friends and family back home with only one major exception – my Dad.

As a child, I had very mixed feelings about my father. He took us on wonderful, exciting vacations car camping around the country for a month out of each year. In his engaging moments with me and my sister and two brothers, he could be adventurous, enthusiastic, and a lot of fun.

Yet like so many fathers out there, most of the time he was distant and unavailable. As a Methodist minister and a fighter for peace and justice, his work was by far his greatest passion with family a distant second. What’s more, at meals – our only regular gathering time each day – he would all too often preach politics to us, his unwilling captive audience. There was no debating him, either. He was always right.

In looking back, however, I could see now what I once would never have admitted – that I was just as stubborn as Dad. There was no way I would acknowledge that he was right in a debate or argument. I would argue with him fiercely, yet still he managed to get me every time. I remember countless times when our interactions ended with me stalking off frustrated and angry, as dad settled back triumphantly into his chair reading the newspaper. Sometimes I just hated him. His righteous attitude seemed so hypocritical and just wrong!

After moving away from home at age 18, I had dedicated myself to improving my relationships with my family and others in my life. Thanks to some wonderful divine guidance, I had been successful with everyone except Dad. He was the one person I still just couldn’t get along with.

As I contemplated leaving the wonderfully rich experience in China, I knew that the time had come to change this. I knew that on getting home, if I wanted to get along better with him, my job was to learn to let Dad be Dad. I realized that I could not change him, but I could change myself by letting go of my need to be right and of my harsh judgments of him and his behavior. I knew that If I wanted to change our frustrating dynamic, I was the one who would have to change.

The idea came to me that the best way to heal this old family wound was to move in with Dad and make a commitment to opening my heart and to becoming friends with him for the first time in my life. I knew it would not be easy. Yet I also knew that if I could hold fast to my intention of not needing to be right and not letting his comments get to me, we could have a significant breakthrough. I wrote Dad a letter asking if he was interested in becoming friends, and if he would be open to my living with him on return from China to work on this.

Dad was thrilled at the idea of us becoming friends and warmly welcomed me into his home. He was very supportive of my desire to move through our difficulties. He even spruced up a little room in his house for me. Yet after a brief, enjoyable “honeymoon” period of about two months, I found those same old patterns staring me right in the face again. Dad again was always right and I ended up leaving frustrated, knowing that I was actually right – just like old times. Why did it always have to end up that way?

Yet I held to my commitment. I remembered that If I wanted to change this disempowering dynamic, I was the one who would have to change. So gradually, I learned to hold my tongue. When discussion turned to debate, I would do my very best not to engage, not to get caught up in trying to prove him wrong. If the conversation turned competitive, I learned to be quiet and to wait for the appropriate moment to excuse myself, so that I could go let off steam on my own.

Even though I still didn’t agree with him, I slowly learned to simply listen and to be OK with letting Dad have the last word. I couldn’t change his behavior or beliefs, but I was gradually changing mine.

Those few months were tough. It’s not easy to break deeply ingrained family patterns, but I was committed. Every time things spun out of control, I reminded myself of my deep intention to become friends with Dad and even to love him. By holding strong to that commitment, I got increasingly better at pulling back whenever our talks didn’t feel supportive.

By the end of six determined months, I had done it! I could sit through a conversation where Dad was telling me how I was wrong and feel no need to engage or respond. When he challenged or blamed me, I could just let him have his say. I learned to just acknowledge that I heard him, remembering not to take anything personally and to just let Dad be Dad.

As I got better at this, I eventually came to understand that Dad was not consciously trying to attack me. He was just playing out old patterns and programming within himself. I could accept and even love him just the way he was – even the part of him that would very rarely admit he was wrong. Dad seemed to notice the difference, too.

I especially remember one particular day when Dad was doing his thing. I simply nodded my head occasionally and said “I hear you, Dad,” without feeling any need to defend myself. At one point he fell silent, and I just sat quietly waiting. Then I heard words I don’t think I’d ever heard him say in these circumstances, “Well, Fred, what do you think?” And for the first time in a situation where we didn’t agree, I felt Dad was really interested in what I had to say.

From that point on, though we still would hit occasional rough spots, Dad and I began having meaningful conversations. He became increasingly interested in my opinion and his tone of voice lost that cutting edge. For the first time ever, we were actually friends!

What an incredibly empowering change in my life – in our lives! I was amazed that although my deep intention was just to let Dad be who he was, once I made the big shift, Dad shifted, too! What a gift!!! From that point on, our relationship gradually grew warmer and deeper.

Many years later for my Dad’s 70th birthday, I recorded his fascinating life story on over two hours of audio tape. What great, rich stories he had! What a wonderful, bonding time we shared!!! What a long way we’ve come!

Thanks, Dad, for being such a wonderful presence in my life. And I give thanks for the divine guidance which helped me to realize that if I want to transform any significant relationship in my life, I can stop trying to change others and open to accepting and loving everyone just as they are.
By focusing on making shifts and changes in myself, I now know without a doubt that I alone can positively change any relationship in my life.

Fred Burks served for 18 years as a language interpreter for such notable figures as Clinton, G.W. Bush, Gore, and Cheney. After receiving a wealth of eye-opening information on major cover-ups from respected friends and colleagues, Fred is the executive director of the PEERS network of websites and manager of www.WantToKnow.info.

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Posted by First 30 Days on January 31st, 2010 in Family, Relationships | 1 comment Read related posts in reconciliation with the past

Make Life an “Event”

Life is precious – and really short in the grand scheme of things. So, I am determined to live each day the best I can – to celebrate each day – to make each day of life an “event.”

For me, making it an “event” is not about elaborate trips or expensive dinners. Rather, life becomes an “event” when you pay attention to the little details that show those in your life you care, love and value them. The greatest value in any relationship is not found in the things you have to do, but in the extras you choose to do.

Coffee in the morning may be ordinary. But adding a rose on the table, making a quick trip to Starbucks or bringing coffee on a tray to bed can make even coffee extraordinary – you can make coffee an “event.”

There are so many places during the day to move from ordinary to extraordinary – to do the little things that make life a constant celebration.

Life is an “event” when:

1. You get a note in your lunch in addition to your favorite sandwich.
2. Your favorite cookies or crackers never seem to run out.
3. You thought you needed gas in the car but it has been filled up.
4. Candles are lit at mealtime, even at lunch.
5. A book by your favorite author shows up on your nightstand.
6. You forget and ask the same question 3 times, but you get the same gentle response.
7. Your favorite shampoo or soap shows up in the shower.
8. A card is left on your computer or in your briefcase – just because.
9. Your conversations about easy or difficult things are always easy to do.
10. The bedsheets get a spray of lavender when they come out of the dryer to smell great on the bed.
11. There are boxes of your favorite candy in the car, in the kitchen and everywhere else.
12. Regular wine become sangria and dinner becomes a festival.
13. You tell a story you told before and are not interrupted.
14. Your least favorite task (emptying the dishwasher for me) seems to happen by itself.
15. A look, a smile or a wink means “it is you, it has always been you, it will always be you.”

A life that is extraordinary gets the big things right and constantly celebrates the important little things. Details matter. Feelings matter.

I have this kind of life; it means everything to me. It encourages me to respond – not because I have to – but because I want to. It empowers me to be fully present and constantly show how I care about the important people in my life. I make life an “event” for those I care about. And in the process my life becomes extraordinary.

So, how do you make your life, and the lives of those you care about, an “event”? Don’t wait – you don’t get these days back. Do the little things. Do a lot of them. Do them often.

Jay Forte is a motivational speaker and performance consultant. He is the author of Fire Up! Your Employees and Smoke Your Competition, The Hunt for Opportunities Success Manual and the on-line resource, Stand Out and Get Hired. He works to connect people to their talents and passions to work strong and live stronger. More information at www.LiveFiredUp.com.

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Posted by Jay Forte on January 31st, 2010 in Family, New Directions, Personal Stories, Relationships | 2 comments

It’s Not the Circumstances, It’s Us

I recently read a great quote from Ben Franklin that I hadn’t seen before. He said, “Joy doesn’t exist in the world, it exists in us.” While the quote was new to me, the concept wasn’t. However, as I began to think it more, I realized that even though I “understand” this wisdom and do my best to live by it and remind others of it, more often than I’d like to admit, I find myself living as though I’m simply a victim of the “things” that go on around me and in the world – especially the stuff I don’t particularly like, agree with, understand, feel like I’m on top of, or enjoy.

The circumstances of our lives, especially when they seem stressful or intense (as is the case for many people I know and work with these days) do have an impact on us, for sure. However, all too often we give away our power to these circumstances and situations. We act as though it’s a foregone conclusion that we will feel a certain way based on specific circumstances (i.e. the economy, the weather, our health, our level of activity, the state of our romantic relationship or lack thereof, the behavior of our children, our families, the state of our career or business, our environment at work, and more).

Our experience of life (grateful, worried, peaceful, angry, excited, sad, alive, depressed, joyous, or anything else) is much more of a reflection of us and what’s going on within us, not a reaction to what’s going on around us. We’ve all had many examples of times in our lives when things were going “great” on the surface or we accomplished or experienced some “wonderful” external success, only to feel a sense of disappointment or sadness underneath because whatever it was didn’t satisfy us at a deep level. And, on the flip side, most of us have had moments of incredible joy, excitement, and bliss that weren’t directly connected to anything “worthy” of these feelings externally.

Even though we know this dynamic to be true, we still seem to get caught in the hypnotic, erroneous notion that if we just got rid of some issues, altered some circumstances, manifested some increased success, or changed some specific situations in our lives – then, we’d be happy, peaceful, and relaxed (or whatever it is we say we want to experience).

Author and teacher, Byron Katie, says, “The definition of insanity is thinking that you need something you don’t have. The mere fact that you exist right now without that which you think you need is proof that you don’t need it.”

What if we lived our lives with a deeper and more conscious awareness of the fact that we get to create our experience of life at any moment? Imagine what our lives, our careers, and our relationships would look like if we stopped blaming our experience on other people or on external circumstances. We would free up so much positive energy and take back so much of our personal power.

Here are a few things you can do to enhance your capacity to own your experience of life in an empowering way:

1) Admit where you play victim and give away your power. As is always the case, “the truth will set you free.” Take a look into your life, especially in the areas where you find the most pain, suffering, and struggle right now. Without judging yourself, can you find places where you’re acting like a victim of your current circumstances (as though it is simply “happening to you”)? The more honest and specific you can be about this, the more freedom it will provide for you.

2) Acknowledge, own, and express your underlying emotions. Whenever we go into victimhood there is something we don’t want to deal with, take responsibility for, experience, or express emotionally. Even thought it can be a little painful and scary initially, by dealing directly with the emotions we’re avoiding, we go to the source of the issue and address it at the root. Ironically, once we’re able to acknowledge, own, and express the emotion(s) involved, much of the suffering and struggling go away – if we’re willing to really take responsibility for and express what we’re truly feeling.

3) Make a commitment to fully own your experience. Declare to yourself and those close to you that you’re willing to take 100% responsibility for your experience of life. This doesn’t mean that “stuff” won’t happen, but it does mean that you make a commitment to live your life by design, not default. It’s also likely that you’ll forget, slip up, and fall back into victimhood from time to time (or often). However, making a commitment to yourself and to others – and also asking them to hold you accountable with honesty and kindness – can create an environment (within you and around you) conducive for you to enhance your capacity to live your life with power and responsibility.

Give yourself some space and have a lot of compassion with yourself and others on this; most of us have been trained, educated, and encouraged to live in “victim consciousness” – even though it doesn’t work or give us what we want ultimately. When we’re willing to tell the truth, express our real emotions, and make a commitment to live as designers of our experience – we can literally transform our lives in miraculous ways.

Mike Robbins is a sought-after motivational keynote speaker, coach, and the bestselling author of Focus on the Good Stuff (Wiley) and Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken (Wiley). More info – www.Mike-Robbins.com

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Posted by Mike Robbins on January 29th, 2010 in Career, Finances, New Directions, Relationships | 1 comment Read related posts in appreciation, authenticity, ben franklin, gratitude, honesty, Mike Robbins, motivational speaker, power, self help, victim